Hello All.
Wanted to drop in before the summer holiday start to share an update. There will be cliches and cheesiness. It may end up words vomitted on the page. Unedited. And probably mammoth.
So wow. 5 months on. I have been on a journey. Going for counselling was utterly the right move to make. I have been dealing with - still dealing with - stuff from when I was a child, from pregnancy, from DD"s early days and mostly, mostly mostly my repeated episodes on anxiety.
Stuff to deal with - anxiety caused by some of my DM & DF's parenting styles. Lack of self esteem issues. The need, no the panicky need, to be a people pleaser. To prevent the blow-up aggression from my mother towards my sister. If I did what she wanted I may prevent DM lashing out at my DSis. I never realised how that childhood fear permeated so much of my life - particularly now I have my own family - no longer a singleton - no longer able to control everything. If something is not going to plan, if I am out of control then...anxiety kicks in....lack of control would send me into that same, mirroring spiral of fear that DM's aggression would be triggered.
I do not need to be perfect. I do not need to ward off a temper-fit from my mother. I am not my mother. My mother is not here.
My mother was wrong. But I can empathise with her - she was/is a product of her own upbringing. She was the least favourite and grew up in a home where DV existed. It does not mean she was right. But it allows me to understand. I shall not be confronting my mother about how she behaved. It would not achieve anything. She knows I have been having counselling. When I told her she (half) jokingly said 'It is all right MyFIrstName, you can just blame everything on me." I smiled and said nothing. We have seen each other and still chat regularly. I still love my parents. They do not have the same power over me now I am an adult. I do not blame her for where I am now. What I do with my life now, how I deal with my child-reactions to current situations is now down to me. I recognise where the anxiety has come from. This has given me such strength to put whatever anxiety situation is current into perspective. Deep breath. It does not matter. I am not my mother. My mother is not here. Does this "thing" really matter. Is it needed?
So understanding why the anxiety was so high (to be in control to prevent a risk of aggression) has helped. It puts it in the right box. I feel anxious but I am not a child, I do not need to. I am feeling adrenalin. Cortisol. A 5K run helps (have started running properly - is fab and have lost 10lbs) I have also worked on the need for control. The need for perfection. All tied in with the people pleasing element I suppose. And the low self esteem tied in with this. Little praise whilst growing up. So understanding (still an ongoing process0 that "Good Enough" is well. good enough. Perfect is impossible. I cannot control everything. And why would I want to aim for the impossible and control everything! Bloody hell how exhausting! So, I am slowly beginning to relax. To let go. To think, that is "good enough". To let go of control. To release the reins on the children. Let them have more control as they grow up. It is not an easy process. I have 20/30 years of people-pleasing/control-freakery to re-learn. DH is helping. (He is being amazing through all of this).
And so how has this helped me and DD?
It is a slow, but really positive journey. I love her. She is amazing. She deserves the best mummy I can be. That will not be a perfect mummy. But good enough. And in letting go of the need for me to be perfect (although I am still working on this) I am realising utterly, the need to not try and force her to be "perfect". She has always been a people pleaser in a young-girl kind of way - easy going. Happy, cheerful, thoughtful and obedient. But she want more control over some elements of her life now. Kicking out at her lack of choice sometimes. Which is natural as she is 8 yo now. And this has been where some of my problems have arisen I think. She has tried to grow up, to get more independence. I have feared the lack of control. Anxiety kicks in. Resentment, irritability. A spiral of this and you get to where I was in February of this year.
So, although still a work in progress we (DD and I) are in such a better place. I love her as much as her brother. Sometimes I like her more. Sometimes I like him more. She is wonderful. I am learning to let he be herself. With her own personality. With, I hope far more inner strength and self belief than I ever had/have. I DO NOT want her to be a people pleaser. Charming, lovely, thoughtful yes. People-pleasing anxiety ridden - No.
We talk so much more, and better than before. I told her fairly early on this journey that I was going to try and be a better mummy. To shout less. To be less ratty. I said I would not always succeed. And if I have not quite been "good enough" sometimes I have found myself able to stop. Stop the rattiness. The PA huffing. To take a breath. To apologise for having been like that. To try and explain why. And to start again. It happens less now. The anxiety is less frequent, and like most people, if I am calm within I stay calm outside too.
Every weekday morning I get into her bed for a cuddle to wake her up. She asks for cuddles far more than she ever used to. We had a lovely day out just the two of her last weekend. She wore the oddest outfit (clashing shorts and T-shirt with winter boots - difficult to describe - it was just brilliantly odd). I said nothing. I just grinned, looked at how wonderfully quirky she looked and felt proud of her. 5 months ago I would have been either trying to persuade her to change into something more normal (on a good day) or shout at her. I am learning to let her be her own, wonderful self - rather than what I (wrongly) have as a vision of he perfect daughter. Her school report was fantastic - her teacher-pleasing elements I will still encourage 
She can still be perfect there. I just want her to be happy - and so that means letting her relax, be herself and find herself. Quirky outfits and all.
As DD says "Perfect is boring". How I love her for saying and believing that. She would prefer to be thought of as weird than perfect.
I said goodbye to my counsellor today. The last session. The door is open if I need to go back. But it is a good time to end. The holidays are here. I am looking forward to them.
I am not totally "fixed". There was no magic switch to make it go away. But I have a tool-box of things to use to help me.
- To help control the anxiety.(Breathing exercises and reminding myself, I do not have to be perfect and I am not my mother)
- To diffuse the irritability. (Be kind, be kind, be kind - and Does it really matter? And apologise if I am wrong)
- To build my sense of self esteem (To list 5 positive things a week for 10 weeks to try and get me thinking that I am good enough).
- To relax the control. (As a SAHM I may do the bulk of the domestic management and house stuff - but I do not have to be perfect, have ridiculous deadlines and I can ask for help)
And wonderfully, amazingly these things (which are scarily so intermingled) have all made a difference to how I feel about DD. About life.
So finally a thank you for everyone's support throughout my trials and tribulations. Thank you for not flaming me back in February. 
As I said earlier - I am not totally fixed. No magic switch - but thank fuck (and you guys, and my counsellor) I am on a journey in the right vehicle, facing the correct way.
I love both my children. How fucking amazing is that.