I do have a favourite. And I feel sick about it.

[MyFirstName]

Following from a thread earlier (I have namechanged for this)..I read the thread and almost everyone said they loved their children equally.

Well I don't think I do. I kiss or hug my DS (5yo) and these huge waves of love engulf me. I would do anything for him. I bonded with him from birth.

My DD (7yo) in my head she is amazing, wonderful, clever. A pain sometimes. But totally worthy and deserving of soooo much love. But no wave of it engulfing me. I can find her very irritating.

It must affect how I deal with them (I know I am harder on her).

And the worst thing? I experienced favouritism as I was growing up. I was the golden child as far as my DM was concerned. Recently my DSis (we are close) has started to get some counselling to deal with her relationship with our parents and her self esteem issues.

The thread this evening really just slammed it right in my fucking head. I could not say "Yes I love my children equally". How fucking awful is that? There are potentially so many "reasons". Multiple miscarriages before we had her - I know I never truly felt I would have a baby in my arms until she finally arrived...and then crushing PND followed. My relationship with parents...who knows. But I have to, have to, have to fix it. She deserves so much more. They both do. And actually, fuck it so do I.

Anyway. Not quite sure why I am writing this. Am in tears. But DH is out. My best friend is going through a major relationship crisis so cannot call her and I think it would be crass of me to call my sister. So I needed to tell, to confess. To acknowledge I am fucking repeating history. Fuck.

Before doing this post though I have spent the last hour researching local counselling services and emailed one.

I need to deal with this. I am going to deal with this.

Please be gentle with me. Is there anyone who has been through this and got out the other end? Surely I cannot be the only totally crap one. Fuck.

Sorry is so long.

And you'll be able to truthfully reply "well, I love you".

Honestly - you sound fab.

Wow. Well today's counselling session has truly made me feel like I have been steam rollered. I think I was thinking it would be a few weeks until we went in there with a full-blown "fuck me" punch. But no. Today. Just a few gentle questions around my anxiety and some deep-rooted emotions from my childhood came and smacked me round the face. Not even a small slap like a wet fish - more like a bloody killer whale. But jeez....suddenly, gently by naming the emotion I felt as a child and making me say it...so, so much fell into place. What I feel in certain situations, how I felt, how I react. My heart was pounding and I felt awful. Came home for a cuddle with DH. Awful.

But also amazing. Itis a bit like having the most awful splinter - really painful to get out...but so totally better for being out. I have some work to do about stopping the repeat of those emotions - they are not needed now - they are a childhood reaction. I can stop the cycle. I will not be my mother.

Anyone follow this thread who has thought about counselling, please do not let what I have just written put you off. The overall feeling I have right now is of tension gone. Iunderstand a part of myself so much better.

On another update. Still working at DD & I. Still find myself finding her the focus of my irritation if anxiety/grumpiness comes knocking. But it is not as strong - the irritation. Am still working on the cuddles and affection.

Today though - absolutely, totally has shown me I am doing the right thing to resolve this. I will not be a perfect parent at the end of it. But I hope I will be a parent who accepts I am not perfect - but I am good enough. And that my daughter does not have to be perfect - she can be herself. And if she wants perfection in something, it will be driven by her - not my me -or by her need to please me.

I'm so glad that you are finding counselling helpful (though hard work, being steam rolled by emotion is rough, but you'll get through that) and that you have the beginnings of a better relationship with your daughter.

Her questioning about favourites does sound like she was sensitive to the old dynamic and obviously to the change - she's maybe trying to work out if she's the new 'favourite' and whether the changes will last. I think the answer to that is not feeling bad/guilty about loving your son too, and just continuing to show her affection, interest and attention so that it becomes her new normal.

I'm sure that the way you felt about your daughter reflects the way you feel about yourself and/or felt about yourself as a child. As you unblock that old stuff you should be able to feel about and be with your daughter in a more authentic way, relating to her as a person rather than a projection. The 'rules' that you learnt growing up that there is a favourite and its unfair for it to be you (& therefore your daughter) because you don't feel perfect may take a while to unlearn, but it sounds like you are getting there.

Just been in to kiss them both goodnight. Normal, lovely wave for DS. You know the thing. You almost want them to wake a bit and snuggle in. The gazing at the wonder of them. The huge urge to just pick them up and cuddle them all night (though you know the reality of that would be an hot, wriggly, uncomfortably awful night's sleep ). Went in to DDs. And got a huge wave with her. She did stir a bit, and grabbed me for a hug. I just melted. Same thoughts and feelings as for DS.

Feeling way more emotional than I could put into words. I still have some work to do. Some changes to make. But oh thank fuck. There was a wave. I know this probably sounds silly. But it means that it will be there again. I have to access it more IYSWIM. Let it happen. Show her more love and feeling it more is happening. Wow. I will not have to just learn how to fake it. Which tbh I feared would be the best I could expect. I will get to feel it too.

Just got to also work on some other stuff from the counselling...and remember that I am not my mum. She is not here. I will not repeat history.

Off to sleep now. Happy. that word is no where near enough

What a wonderful strong brave woman and mother you are OP. If I'm half as good a mother as you seem to be when my time comes, i will be very happy.

Your DCs are very lucky to have you.

Well done OP!! This is wonderful news, perhaps the love for your dd was there all along but was being crushed and repressed by all the baggage created in your childhood?
hopefully it gets easier and easier for you.

Haven't posted before MyFirstName but have been following and am so moved by your update.

I have so much respect for you. It seems to be actually quite rare that parents recognise that they are the ones who need to do the work to fix things in themselves when there is an issue with their parenting/relationship with DC.

I have seen quite a few threads on here, and of course heard many stories in RL, where there is a clearly dysfunctional dynamic going on between parent and child, and so often the blame is overtly or covertly laid at the child's door. I would go so far as to say it is usually made out to be the child's fault in some way.

To say that is sad and unjust is an understatement, IMO. Whatever the root causes of the unhealthy dynamics are - and, as in your case, I think they can nearly always be traced back to the inadequate and damaging parenting the parent received themself as a child - it can never be the child who originates them or has the power to change them.

Sorry to get on my soapbox! But I have to say your thread is a shining light in terms of showing how it can work when a parent takes responsibility for the dysfunction and takes positive steps to deal with it. Of course it's not your fault either that the situation arose - you were set up for it by your childhood, just as your mother was probably set up for it by her own. But you were the only one here with the power to actually change things.... And it's so brilliant that you have!

Like you said in your OP, both your DCs deserve better and so do you - it's lovely to see that you're already reaping the rewards yourself, as well as of course your DD. It must feel like a whole new life opening up! And even though there will still be challenges and there may be times when it's still hard to feel those waves of love (or there may not!) you have already changed things on a profound level now, and you will never go back to how they used to be.

You now know that 20/30 years down the line, your DD won't be on here on the Stately Homes thread, she'll be posting about the wonderful relationship she has with her amazing mum. Does it get any better?! Well, you get my mummy of the month medal too, so clearly - it does!

Thank you Talking (though you did just make me well up).

I think you have just pinpointed why this became to important to me.. the Stately Homes Thread. I have previously thought about looking at it....but never felt brave enough. Or that my childhood was really all that dysfunctional. Not wanted to admit it - or open up what may come out of the closet.

Also was the fear - before - of reading of damage done to people by their parents that I knew I could be doing to my DD. I began to realise I had to do something before a) the challenges of the teenage years (I think a deep and long basis of love is important to get through the journey to independence) and b) I messed with DD enough to sent her to the equivalent of the Stately Homes thread - maybe not immediately - but certainly by the time she was in her 30s or 40s. And if nothing else FFS I didn't want to continue with it. There is enough guilt in parenting without adding to it .

I am also in a limbo position with regard to my own mother. I have very mixed emotions at the moment. What she did was wrong/not appropriate. I can have compassion as her childhood was horrifically worse. She did the best she could. Also I am her life (not being big headed - it is just so very obvious). To challenge her would potentially destroy her. And would it achieve anything. Or is that me just being "mother-pleasing" again. Do anything to prevent the horrifying rages she had. They may never have been directed at me...but still, my whole childhood was spent trying to prevent those rages against my sister...can I really be brave enough now to risk one turning on me. Fuck I am not sure I am. Anyhoo...that is one for the counselling no doubt . Don't need to think of it now.

And DD and I have been sitting in the sunny sitting room this morning making Friendship Bracelets together. DH & DS are at rugby. I have not done any chores. just sat with DD and done stuff together. Not hugely emotionally intensive IYSWIM - just together. Bracelets made. She now is having a go at building a roof garden on Minecraft and I am here. Think grumpy, farty dog needs a walk though as DD has just discovered a chicken in her garden and the noise may drive me up the wall!!

OK.....Keeeelllllll the Minecraft Chickens!!!! Arghhhh!!!

I think it is fairly common for mums to 'favour' the boys and dads, the girls. I am not sure that mine did although my youngest brother was spoilt -in my eyes at least, but I think that was more to do with her feeling relaxed and more confident with the last chlld. Come to think of it, when I was very young I guess I was a daddy's girl. There were time when my middle brother seemed to irritate my dad, but cannot think of a reason why. However, when my middle brother grew up, my dad and he could talk together.

OP I don't have any advice to add. I just wanted to thank you for recognising, addressing and following through on your issues.

From someone who wasn't the favourite.

Just adding my 2 pence worth MyFirstName......kudos to you for what you are doing. It's incredibly courageous and you are doing the right thing. May it bring you and your kids love and warmth x

Every time I look at this thread it just amazes me what you've achieved and how quickly you are achieving this.

I'm pretty sure wanting to kill Minecraft chickens is allowed.

myfirstname I hope you are proud of how far you have come in a short space of time.

Having had issues with my 3 DC a few years ago, I can relate. And I admire that you have had the courage to name and deal with your own issues. Your DD will reap the benefits.

Perhaps this will help (although you seem to be finding lots of lovely strategies by yourself)...a Play Therapist that I encountered through work used to advise that whenever that wave of irritation hit, that I should feel it and then choose to cuddle/stroke/gaze at/hum a song about the child I found irritating (I have a 'love song' for each one -sad git-)

The other strategy that I like, is that when I know I am going to be under pressure (e.g. at work), that I take preventative action. By going to look for my DC and put the attention in first, they will survive for longer without coming to look for me (hope that makes sense).

lovely, inspirational thread.

Feeling a bit odd today. My parents are coming for today/tomorrow. First time I will have seen DM since all this kicked off. Feeling anxious and nervy. DH is being wonderful. I have spoken to her since starting counselling - but conversations have all been very bright and breezy - very shallow. DM knows I am having counselling but no details. She was not an awful mother. A lot of there parenting was great. Some was not great. Her bashing my sister when she got the rage was fucking awful. Fuckity. I am not sure I can get through this. Fucking open plan living. I cannot even hide in the bloody kitchen. Maybe grumpy/farty dog will get a lot of walks ;-(.

Doorbell just rang. GUlp

Hello My

Just wanted to say hello as I only just saw your thread, got through it and saw that you were worried about today. I hope it's going well, but just in case, as I'm I'm the only sad git on Mumsnet on a lovely bank holiday, know that whatever happens between you and your mother, you are well on the way to breaking the cycle. As you've acknowledged, your mother's childhood badly affected her and yours you in its own way. Even if you can't mend your relationship with your mum, you've done an amazing, self aware and selfless thing by taking the difficult route to change.

As for your relationship with your mum, I don't know if it can be fixed by you. Remember that you are the child, grown up yes but still I think it makes a difference. You (and your sister) are the wronged party and I don't think you can fix it without your mum's willing and self aware action. Do you think you will ever get that?

However, FWIW, my experience was with my stepmum and I was horribly affected by her shouting and hitting my sister (not often and not hard I hasten to add), her own child, and I lived in fear for both of us. When it all came out after I had a breakdown in my early 20s and had to have some seriously intense therapy, my shrink told me that I had to face my parents and tell them what the problem had been (post traumatic shock that brought on depression). I can tell you the conversation with my stepmum in two lines!! Her: "Dad told me that the way I was when you were a child has affected you badly and I'm very sorry about it", me: "errr don't worry about it I'm fine now"!! So I didn't get much input from her herself.

Maybe it's different because it's my stepmum not mum-mum but my point is that once I truly got to the bottom of my childhood feelings and experiences, the damage just wafted away in a puff of irrelevance. I'm an adult now and I see her through adult eyes. She is a quick tempered person with some deeply buried unhappiness and has many flaws, which she will NEVER change. But she can't hurt me any more and I can relate to her as another flawed adult. I hope that makes sense. And I hope you and your sister can heal yourselves and each other without needing her help. BTW my sister and I had an equally brief talk about it. it isn't an off bounds topic, just again it doesn't seem too relevant to us now but it is an open topic and if it ever came up again we could talk to each other.

Would it help not to compare your love for one with your love for the other, but just foster the love you do have for your DD and let it grow. It sounds like you love her very much but feel that you prefer your DS. You love he,. and you are such a caring and conscientious person. I don't think you need to worry as much as you are. DC notice if they are not loved and appreciated, or if they are constantly side-lined and put down. But being snappish with the older one and snuggly with the younger is pretty normal (not saying it's OK) in lots of families where the love is equal.

A great way to relax with your DD and build your love for her is to set up days out just the two of you, where you do stuff only you two love to do. You might find she's much easier to get on with when she has your undivided attention. And love can grow. It's not fixed or limited.

I have to say you are hurting your daughter so much with having a favorite. I don't know how much you can do to change how you feel but if you can do so and if not then at least do your best to not let it show or treat them inequally.

I grew up in a home where my father seemed to love us both the same but my mother clearly favoured and still does favor my younger brother. It left me with very damaged self esteem and it will likely have a similer effect on your daughter. Low self esteem can lead to so many problems some minor like her lacking confidence to drug abuse, promiscuity and so on. Its a real nasty wound to have growing up.

Adjani rtft. Your comment is pretty unhelpful. The OP has made huge progress in nurturing her relationship with her DD

Adjani, that comment was what I was expecting when I first started this thread. A flaming. Because I know how fucking awful it is to be in a family with a favourite. Because I want to change it. I am making progress..as outlined. In the thread.

I am truly sorry you experienced similar pain as a child. Please consider counselling for yourself. It has done amazing things for my sister.

Please also read more than the thread title before you comment. Thank you.l

Well done on the progress you've made OP.

And thank you so much for sharing, I bet I'm not the only one making mental notes about remembering getting in touch with that love for a child. When one child is a stroppy teenager and the other is still at the "I love you Mummy" stage, it's easy to forget that in a couple of years or so, she'll be at the stroppy teenager stage too, but I could have unintentionally created a barrier with my elder DC by losing sight of what's important. So thank you.

The love we have for each individual child is so different anyway. One of my DC is incredibly snuggly and when we hug I get that lit up, overwhelmed with love feeling you describe. Never, or very rarely get that feeling with his brother, not because I love him less, but because he's just not that into cuddles and goes all brittle and pushes me away. I feel total love for him when we are deep in conversation with a meeting of minds, because he is such an enthusiastic person who is endlessly curious about the world, and always upbeat. That's what makes my heart sing about him, whereas other DS is generally much more Eyore-like but gives the best cuddles under the sun.

Don't worry too much if your love for one is or feels different from your love for the other, just focus on developing the love you have for her in any way that feels natural and positive.

Hello My. How's it going with your DM?

Hello all. So, it was OK. Sort of normal. Well normal-ish. I felt slightly detached emotionally - which I suppose is only to be expected. DM is aware everything has slightly shifted but it being super nice and breezy. Paid me a compliment on how well I was looking (happens v rarely). DCs loved seeing DM and DF.

DM got a little "snippy" towards the end of yesterday. Snippy with DF, a bit martry-ish with stuff over booking a holiday. I pulled her up on it - a bit. Politely. She stopped.

So all in all it I am feeling...um...pleased I think. As my counsellor said no need/point in the big confrontation thing (tried in the past - no acknowledgement, no apology, nothing). It would not achieve anything. But I did feel the strength to pull her up on unnecessary behaviour when it was appropriate to do so.

And the fear of how it would feel to see her has gone. Yes I am slightly more detached from her. But this will either diminish as time goes - or become the new normal.

Feel a bit like DM issue has a small "tick" in the box. Past dealt with - now need to move forward and continue to work towards a better future. YY I know it may not be as simple as all that - but I cannot see that to dwell and pick on scabs from my childhood will help me and my DCs now. I need to make sure the progress I have made continues - and that that too becomes the new normal.

As for me and DD. There really has been a change. She has always be a bit like a weathervane as far as my emotions go.. however I am feeling/behaving seems to have manifested itself in how she seems to feel/behave. Before this all started we had several months of quite temperamental emotions from her. But I would say the underlying vibe from her was almost anger. Maybe even despair - no - despair is too strong. But she was not settled or happy deep within. And she could show sudden flashes of rage at times too.

Now, two months on and she is like a different child. sweet, helpful, kind, thoughtful and wonderful. Though having 7 year old moments of absorption and stroppiness too. No angel - but bloody lovely most of the time. And deep down, under the behaviour? Calmness. Comfortable. Happy. Content. Like a little girl whose world is "right". Am I allowed to say like a little girl who knows she is loved? Loved properly.

Cottonwoolmum. Thank you for your post. Others have talked before about loving children differently and due to my guilt over my lack of connection with DD (and ergo my favouritism of DS) I could never accept that. Or get it. Or allow it? However, your description of your DCs is perfect. DS snuggly, a bundling whirlwind of grins, giggles and cuddles. DD, thoughtful, kind, intuitive, independent and amazingly clever. Not cuddly...unless you grab her when she is sleepy in the mornings.

We have had the most amazing, non-shouty (mostly), chilled out holidays. I have loved being with them both.

Thank you all so, so much for your words of wisdom and support. From all of us .