I do have a favourite. And I feel sick about it.

[MyFirstName]

Following from a thread earlier (I have namechanged for this)..I read the thread and almost everyone said they loved their children equally.

Well I don't think I do. I kiss or hug my DS (5yo) and these huge waves of love engulf me. I would do anything for him. I bonded with him from birth.

My DD (7yo) in my head she is amazing, wonderful, clever. A pain sometimes. But totally worthy and deserving of soooo much love. But no wave of it engulfing me. I can find her very irritating.

It must affect how I deal with them (I know I am harder on her).

And the worst thing? I experienced favouritism as I was growing up. I was the golden child as far as my DM was concerned. Recently my DSis (we are close) has started to get some counselling to deal with her relationship with our parents and her self esteem issues.

The thread this evening really just slammed it right in my fucking head. I could not say "Yes I love my children equally". How fucking awful is that? There are potentially so many "reasons". Multiple miscarriages before we had her - I know I never truly felt I would have a baby in my arms until she finally arrived...and then crushing PND followed. My relationship with parents...who knows. But I have to, have to, have to fix it. She deserves so much more. They both do. And actually, fuck it so do I.

Anyway. Not quite sure why I am writing this. Am in tears. But DH is out. My best friend is going through a major relationship crisis so cannot call her and I think it would be crass of me to call my sister. So I needed to tell, to confess. To acknowledge I am fucking repeating history. Fuck.

Before doing this post though I have spent the last hour researching local counselling services and emailed one.

I need to deal with this. I am going to deal with this.

Please be gentle with me. Is there anyone who has been through this and got out the other end? Surely I cannot be the only totally crap one. Fuck.

Sorry is so long.

You are so, so strong.

yikes, tearing up here

thepinkocelot please do think about talking about this some more - either on MN or with a counsellor. It's worth it - for your DD but also for you. You owe yourself that.

Also tearing up.

And again: she's lucky. She deserves a mum like you, don't get me wrong - but deserts never have much to do with childhoods, do they. She has a mum who knows what the issues are, and is working to address them. And that's pretty bloody priceless. So glad that you had that time together, because from the sounds, you both need it. xx

Sounds like you and your DD really enjoyed your special time. You are doing so well, confronting your fears. Your description of your DD glowing is beautiful and moving.

Good luck, OP. Your DCs are really lucky to have a Mum who works so hard for them. I read an article in the Guardian recently where the writer said she had a favourite ( and thinks that secretly everyone does), but that her success as a Mum was that all 3 of her children read the article and all of them told her that they knew that they were the favourite. And what hearts said. I don't think that journey will be long at all

Mil in her later, more loose-tongued years, confessed that she favoured her three at different times in their lives. The eldest was the nicest little boy, dh was her favourite teenager, and the middle one was the best adult child.

So, OP, although your dd may be a little trying at the moment, and your ds your baby, later on it may be all change.

A friend corroborrated this view, too, by saying that her dcs fall in and out of favour. She loves them both - but they have been easier to like at different times.

The best thing is that you are recognising the issue rather than denying it.

So, quick update. Had my first counseling session today. It was good - I think. A bit jumbled (I jumped from thing to thing - I was like an "emotion vomit monster" - not a pleasant sight ). We labelled some of my feelings/emotions. I have had a fair bit of anxiety for quite some time. Am not going any further to outline it all - but it felt...I don't know...like the right journey to be taking. Not sure if I am going to be enjoying it all. Some bits I felt some resistance towards acknowledging. Some tears. Some anger. I have booked some more sessions. Oh and the counsellor also said, more than once, that I should be kinder to myself.

As for me and DD. After our big cuddle on Friday night I had utter confimation I am doing the right thing in dealing with this. DH (who is being amazing about all this) and I were teasing the DCs that the only reason we had them was for them to do slave labour (ie we were all going out into the garden and we wanted them to help move some logs from the bottom of the garden to the woodstore). Amongst negotiation of how much per log they would be paid for moving (all quite lighthearted) DD suddenly turned to me, looking quite anxious and said "Mummy, did you really just have us to do jobs for you. Yesterday you told me you loved me and were so glad you had be as I was lovely to spend time with." Woah. I reassured her, gave her big cuddles - and she relaxed.

Sunday morning she and I spent some time together. We had a bath actually . (She had wanted to go swimming - but I always get irritated with the faff of swimming so I veered her towards something else - thought best to try and avoid potential pitfalls so early in this journey). And then did crafty stuff from a magazine of hers. In the afternoon she asked me at one point who was my favourite out of her and DS. I told her impossible to say - I loved them the same but they were different...

I can feel tiny waves of that love lapping my toes - to use an expression someone upthread used. I hope I can get to the equal (albeit different) love both DCs deserve. I think DD knows something is going on. I want it to be positive for her. I want her to feel loved. As loved as much as is possible. I think at times she has felt less loved. Or maybe I am projecting. Who knows. But whatever happens I need this to be a long term change for us. She has experienced in the past me probably blowing a bit hot and cold - as I "try" to love her and am "fab" mummy - and then I let my irritation/preferences show. I had a really emotionally hot/cold childhood - sometimes Mum would be furious and hot tempered and you would have to walk on eggshells around her - or she would be fine.

Anyway - need to start making tea. I think I have brain/emotion dumped again

Thank you again for all your encouragement and support.

And again. If you are considering counselling really....take the step. I think some things may feel worse before they feel better...but I am taking steps to change what is making me unhappy - that thought, if nothing else is making me feel stronger.

I just wanted to say I think you are doing a fantastic thing by acknowledging this but most importantly for both your dc's by taking positive steps to fix it.

I had pnd after having my second. I felt tremendous guilt that I adored ds but felt completely numb towards dd. I knew logically that I did love her but never felt that rush of emotion. I read a number of threads on here and basically followed the advice someone else has already mentioned. Pretty much fake it till you make it. I would hold her close and tell her over and over how much I loved her. And eventually over time my love grew and grew until one day I realised I really did love her as much and I was bowled over by the strength of my feelings.

It sounds like you may have a long and difficult path ahead but the important thing is you are taking it and I wish you all the best

OP, you're amazing and very, very brave for acknowledging and dealing with this. I am sure this is the start of an incredible journey for you and your family.

Well done on starting the counselling. And you are right, consistency is hugely important for young children developing bonds.

Thank you so much for updating.

For what it's worth, I think you do love her very much. Your description of the cuddles the other night, and "her beautiful face... just glowed" is so loving. It does sound rather as if, for some reason, things have been blocked and aren't flowing, rather than not there. And it sounds like counselling will help with that, though not always comfortably.

I'm so glad for you, as well as your dd, that you've taken this step. For all your family. And again, I admire you so very much for having the gumption and insight and personal responsibility to do it, too. You are a good mother, because just as something can't be courageous without fear, the effort you are going to to ensure your child's needs are met to the abslolute fullest extent you are capable is something only a good mother would do. We've all read heartbreaking threads on here where parents are very much less than good enough.

Counselling can be painful and you are right to say things will probably feel worse for you before they start feeling better - but your insight is already getting more powerful and you are already making changes after one session.

I agree with your counsellor - do be kind to yourself, because you are doing amazing things for you and your whole family.

Just to go back to a point made earlier by Helen - it isn't true that all mothers have favourites. I have three - two wonderful girls and a wonderful boy - and can say very honestly that I love and like them all. I simply do not feel stronger for one over the others....just feel very strongly for them all round. I am not sure it is a good thing to pretend that all parents have favourites as if to normalise it.

I agree Girl. I think a lot of people have kindly been trying to reassure me I am not an awful parent for having a favourite. But the liking one more/getting on with one more/loving the same but differenly..any manner of wording does not mean it is OK for one child to grow up feeling less favoured. Less loved. Or for the other child to carry the guilt/burden of being the favoured one.

I think perfect you have it spot on. Something is blocked. There is a wall around the emotions which are there. DS can access the emotions as he is as cute as a button and still young enough to just bundle into me, hit me with all his love/cuddles and affection...to which No-one could resist responding to. DD is older, always been more about words than actions, less cuddly. Easier to maintain at a distance. Oh god. Isn't that an awful thing to write about your own 7 year old daughter.

At least I have a sledgehammer out...the wall may need to come down brick by brick...and feeling may be scary....but hell, I think I just have to remember the "glow" from Friday night.

MyFirstName -one of the amazing things about your posts is that you so strongly recognise not only the damage that this could possibly do to your daughter, but also the burden it would place on your son for being the 'favoured' child. That shows an incredible amount of insight and understanding - not to mention courage.

I feel really confident that the wall will come down and - more importantly - that you will handle whatever is behind it. The first few bricks can take a long time when the foundations are very deep. I know it feels as scary as anything, but there is no rush. Wishing you all good things.

MyFirstName I'm so glad for you that your first counselling session was so helpful. It seems that you've made a really positive step forward. I hope things continue to improve for you

The support you are all giving me is amazing. Thank you so much. I am proud of myself for doing this (well actually I know I should be proud of myself, but not sure if the kind-to-myself feelings are really kicking in yet - but hey, may as well pretend). I also know that the kindness from you all is really helping me. really, really cannot say enough my gratitude.

As for DD and I - I am beginning to realise a lot of what has been happening does stem from anxiety. I had a full on day to day. Had all been manageable until arranged to meet up with a friend having a tough time. Meant a few bits I had to do for a weekend away may not have been doable when I had planned them. Gosh - it all sound so silly when I write it down.

Part of my anxiety means I feel the constant need to be "perfect". And I beat myself up if I fall short in any way. And to stop myself failing I always try and get ahead of schedule. So the anxiety was rising. I could feel it. My reactions/responses to DD started to waver and become harder. She really does take the brunt of it. (It wasn't anything she noticed - just how I was feeling). I used trick from the counsellor to try and calm the anxiety, and also said to DH that I was being silly. That actually it did not matter if I did not get x,y and z done. Supporting my friend was more important than self-imposed deadlines. Seeing her and time for our friendship was important. We could all pitch in as a family to do x,y,z at various points Thursday or Friday - it would be fine. DH gave me a big hug and told me not to fret (he is being amazing throughout all this - counsellor commented that from all I had written/said about him we were a great team.)

And as for DD and I. Well, I have been making sure that I snuggle in her bed every morning for a cuddle when I go to get her up. The sleepy, semi-conscious bearhug I get from her is amazing. And heart-wrenching. She has always seemed to really prefer/not need that many cuddles - which of course is guff - all children need cuddles - probably a sub-conscious stance on her part due to me not seeming to want to cuddle her. I have also gone back to that sporadic, but constant affection thing - that I did with her (and DS) as a baby (and still do with DS). The odd stroke of the hair, the finger down the cheek, the gentle squeeze of the shoulder. And as each day passes it is become more natural, less forced. She in herself seems a bit happier. This time last week she had been going through a phase (lasting for some weeks) of just being angry. Angry with the world, with herself, with me, her brother, her school friends. Not sure if my change in behaviour has made a difference, or if it was friendship stuff at school (she did mention a few teeny, minor spats) but she seem so much calmer, happy, certain on herself. And, fuck, wow, just thought this. I love her. I love her so much.

I think I may cry just a bit more now . Wow! Look what I just felt. And wrote. Fuckity, fuckity fuckity. Phew. Wow. OK. More emotional vomiting happening here. Sorry MN - you appear to have become my very own therapeutic diary.

I have know from my darkest times (before this whole thread) that I loved her. But it always felt a very poor love compared to what I felt for DS. But that was a big woosh IYSWIM. Not had that woosh about her for years - if ever.. I still, if pushed - and was honest - would say I prefer DS. But fuck me, that felt good.

She has asked a few times in the last week who is my favourite. I have gently introduced the analogy of crisps, chocolate and cheese. All mahoosive favourites for all of us. I asked her if she could say which was her favourite....she grinned and struggled...but eventually went for chocolate. I then started describing crisps...salty, crunchy,tangy. Then cheese...creamy, sharp and tasty. She (gently) bashed me and told me off - how could she pick - they were all marvellous but different. I raised my eyebrows, grinned back and said exactly. She got it.

So, here are I am. Barely started the counselling but already so much further forward. As above though, I am very aware that if I start feeling anxious it is DD who takes the brunt of it. My anxiety and self esteem are issues - issues I want to deal with properly this time. Not just another course of ADs. And some crap with my parents....and that is a whole different thread. Talking with my DSis about this yesterday. About mum favouring me, the lack of praise/affection we received. We were in tears and told each other we loved each other for the first time I can recall. It was marvellous.

I shall stop waffling now. Sorry is another emotional-vomit.

You know, what is interesting is the little girl you describe, in terms of personality, sounds rather like the woman you describe yourself as being. I have no idea what relevance that may have to finding it easier to access and express love for DS, but surely they may be some? Just a thought I had earlier when reading what you were saying.

This post made me teary again. It is so lovely, so very lovely, to see you recognise and name what you feel for her, now you are allowing yourself to give her cuddles and affection, and letting that flow a bit. It's sort of a momentum thing, isn't it? It starts to speed up of its own accord.

I've had no sleep in a while now so I am probably rambling - but this made me a bit teary again. So lovely to read, and so happy for all four of you. And hopefully the pride in yourself will be like the love, in that it will take a little while to truly hit you, but be fab when it does.

Crikey, you are amazing

I've been gulping reading your thread. How brave of you to tackle all this Totally unselfish.

I had a shit childhood, have a just-about bearable relationship with my mother and have a 6 year old DS. I really struggled to bond with him and, like yourself, try to attain perfection. To the point of over analysing everything and winding myself up in knots about virtually anything.

Now, mostly I'm fine. DS is happy, healthy etc and I can now recognise that I love him with all my heart. But it's been a difficult road.

Sending you lots of support for what I'm sure will be a road to a wonderful relationship with your beautiful daughter. Bloody well done

And, fuck, wow, just thought this. I love her. I love her so much

This is so lovely

Gulp, first thread I've actually cried at!

Congrats OP, seems like you are well on your way to making everything better for you and your DCs.

I seem to have some dust in my eye.

Well done, both of you. And DH.

I'm not surprised to read that you seek perfection and become anxious when it seem unachievable, there are hints to that in your earlier posts. Maybe it will help to remind yourself that love is not perfect like a film, it will ebb and flow like the sea with both your moods and external stresses and illness and 101 other factors. But no matter how low the tide, the love is still there, waiting to return and lift you both again.

You're doing it. Just like that, so quickly. It was always there, you just needed that bit of help. And just think of what you are doing for your DD, breaking the pattern and setting her up for a lifetime of loving relationships. You are wonderful.

MrsCakes thank you for reminding me of the ebbs and flows...I need to keep that one in mind if we have a hiccup. We will I am sure. I need to try and keep my behaviour consistent..but not to worry if emotionally it wobbles around a bit.

There are bound to be days when you butt up against each other, especially as one delightful side effect of having a child who is confident in your love is that they also feel confident about pushing the boundaries. It will be a good sign when it happens, honest .

I think you are telling me to look forward to the day when she says "Mummy I hate you" . Do you know what, I think I am now.