I do have a favourite. And I feel sick about it.

[MyFirstName]

Following from a thread earlier (I have namechanged for this)..I read the thread and almost everyone said they loved their children equally.

Well I don't think I do. I kiss or hug my DS (5yo) and these huge waves of love engulf me. I would do anything for him. I bonded with him from birth.

My DD (7yo) in my head she is amazing, wonderful, clever. A pain sometimes. But totally worthy and deserving of soooo much love. But no wave of it engulfing me. I can find her very irritating.

It must affect how I deal with them (I know I am harder on her).

And the worst thing? I experienced favouritism as I was growing up. I was the golden child as far as my DM was concerned. Recently my DSis (we are close) has started to get some counselling to deal with her relationship with our parents and her self esteem issues.

The thread this evening really just slammed it right in my fucking head. I could not say "Yes I love my children equally". How fucking awful is that? There are potentially so many "reasons". Multiple miscarriages before we had her - I know I never truly felt I would have a baby in my arms until she finally arrived...and then crushing PND followed. My relationship with parents...who knows. But I have to, have to, have to fix it. She deserves so much more. They both do. And actually, fuck it so do I.

Anyway. Not quite sure why I am writing this. Am in tears. But DH is out. My best friend is going through a major relationship crisis so cannot call her and I think it would be crass of me to call my sister. So I needed to tell, to confess. To acknowledge I am fucking repeating history. Fuck.

Before doing this post though I have spent the last hour researching local counselling services and emailed one.

I need to deal with this. I am going to deal with this.

Please be gentle with me. Is there anyone who has been through this and got out the other end? Surely I cannot be the only totally crap one. Fuck.

Sorry is so long.

Good for you. x a million :)

I'm not a parent. I was the family scapegoat. I'll keep this short. When I started my own therapy, I worked through the book "Homecoming". Near the beginning, Bradshaw tells his reader to observe some young children in a particular way. The aim, here, is to generate an appreciation of children - all children - as the promising, amazing, vulnerable & trusting little people they are, so that we can appreciate what our parents could have seen in us but didn't. It permanently changed the way I feel about kids and relate to them. I regret that the DC I helped to raise didn't get this from me at the time.

I thought this idea might be helpful to you ... but no worries if not! Your counselling should go the way YOU need it to go :) All the best.

I need to write a list. Of what happened in mine and DD's relationship (yep, involves, C-section, no skin to skin, return to SCBU after discharge, trouble breastfeeding including thrush, PND, "coping" rather than living....I could go on).

I thought it would. I hope you took from that thread that those sorts of starts do often seem to end with more ambivalent bonds. But the damage can, can, can be healed.

Hope you sleep okay. And even if you don't think so, your dd is lucky. You see so many people who just seem to think it's their child's fault if they prefer a sibling, instead of considering how to move past a tricky start, and appreciate all their kids for who they are. The insight and sense of personal responsibility you clearly have is pretty damn priceless in a parent. And depressingly rarer than it could be.

My parents saw that DSis and I were sensitive and thoughtful. Their (well intentioned) way of dealing with this was to try and "toughen us up". We had verba sparring, logic-chopping teasing as the language in our house. No praise. No building of esteem. Very little affection or emotion. Dad was a scientist. And never one for compliments. Even on my wedding day he could not tell me (when I asked how I looked) that I looked beautiful. Mum had an extremely toxic mother. And quite hot tempered. I was clearly her favourite as I was shouted at less - and didn't shout back. DSis shouted back and got a wallop for it (This was the 70s and 80s)

So I have little experience of affection given to children.

But despite this I can give affection in bucket loads to DS. It just comes naturally.

But not for DD. I can do the words to build self-esteem for DD. But I don't feel the affection for her. I help her solve her sensitive friendship issues by giving her the tools to deal with the ins and outs of 7 year old girlfriends. To teach her to value herself. I can do the right words most of the time. But she is sensitive. She is not stupid. She must feel how I feel about her. I may not be repeating all of my DM's history - but through sheer hard work.

I really must go to bed now or I will be super-shouty tomorrow.

Fuck off perfect you made me cry again!

hope perfect realises I really, really do not mean that!

Sometimes you just click with your children (although im not speaking from having children), i think its part of human nature.

I haven't read the replies but you do realise that this doesn't actually matter unless you are treating them differently? provided that you cuddle both and provide for them equally, you're allowed your own private feelings - which will probably change over time anyway

I don't have a favourite but what I do have is a small boy and a teenage girl. my feelings for them are different because they're different sexes, there's a large age gap.. all sorts.

don't beat yourself up as long as you're not outwardly treating them differently

I think you do love your dd. Children are different and you don't have to feel the same about them, but be fair, You sound like my mother. Her love for my brother was uncomplicated, open and unguarded. We had a more complex relationship. Everyone could see that including me. But she treated me with respect and fairly. I think now she loved me as a person, almost as an equal, whereas my brother was 'her baby' who she doted on, but I don't think she knew him in many ways as she knew me. It all evened out.

Are you me? I could have written your op almost word for word.

My dd is now 14, and you know what? Somewhere over the last 7 years I do love her. I love her so much it hurts sometimes. I have had to learn to do this, and embarrassingly I have been jealous of the natural love my dh clearly has for her. It has been weird, the guilt never leaves, but I have learned to love her. I have watched her grow into a wonderful, caring, young woman who is generous hearted. I have watched her talents develop and swelled with pride at her acocmplishments. I have deliberately made sure I spend time with her alone, even if her brother does try to butt in.

I am saying this in the hopes it helps, and to give you some hope that this will come for you too.

Thank you for all your words of support. I really cannot tell you how much they mean. I know I do kind of love DD. And I know I care for her and certainly "mother" her really well IYSWIM. But my problem is more that I know that my DS is totally my favourite. Even when he is being a total pain and she is being super helpful and brilliant daughter - I still prefer him.

And as clara and others have said, maybe this shouldn't matter as long as I treat them the same. As long as DD doesn't know. But I think this is impossible. It would be a pipedream for me to bury this and just hope she comes out OK from it. She is amazingly bright and very sensitive. If I am feeling shitty about her, her behaviour changes. My sister and I grew up with my DM clearly favouring me. It is not an awful childhood. But elements of having favourites are shit. Whichever sibling you are. Why oh why would I want this for either my DD or my DS? And the fact it really does churn my up on an almost daily basis. Have I told her off because that was the right thing to do? Or because I don't love her. Have I let DS off being told off because I prefer him.

So. I have acknowledge it is an issue. I have ordered a book. I am going to get some counselling (which hopefully will help with my on/off anxiety and depression issues too).

And this morning I chatted with DD - she and I are going to have some weekly girl time. DS has recently taken up a sport. She talked about going to watch with DH. I suggested that if she wanted/preferred she and I could do something just the two of us. She jumped at the chance. I gave her lots of cuddles this morning and I am going to try what someone upthread suggested - try and treat her/our relationship as if it were normal/healthy/fun - and by behaving that way hope to get to feel some of it too.

So sorry for big, inarticulate brain dump. Am feeling more positive this morning. Cathartic, snotty, dog-annoying acceptance of last night feels like maybe turning a corner? Though fuck me I feel like I have been run over by a tank!

Excuse typos - eyes scratchy and am pooped.

Thank you LadySybil

You are not alone at all. For me it was dd1 I favoured (nite the use of was). I had a more difficult birth with dd1 but I completely fell head over heals with her. Dd2 much easier birth but I just didn't get it.

She was a daddy's girl from the beginning and whereas dd1 was a compliant child, dd2 seemed to do everything to piss me off and was very defiant and our relationship was different

When she was about 4 I was talking to someone about pregnancy and I realised that due to circumstances at work I had a very negative pregnancy. Manager at work had been trying for a baby for years and I felt very guilty at getting pregnant so quickly with dd2. She was lovely, when I told her, we had a little cry together but she was always very pleased for me. But I felt like I had to pretend to not be pregnant, so no moans about the aches, heartburn and sore ribs etc, but equally never spoke about the pure joy when the baby started moving etc It was one of my colleagues though, in her mis guided attempt at help, every time the manger left the office she would would say come one then lets get the moans out of the way, so looking back, it was a very negative pregnancy and I'm sure that this is what affected the bonding with dd2.

Once I realised that it wasn't me (wasn't really anyone's fault) I was able to move on. There was another incident with dd2 that changed her a but that's a different story! I can honestly say that things have really improved, though she's still defiant and I think she's teaching dd1 a thing or 2!

Well done for your honesty My

My DM has her favourite (there's 3 of us), and always has done. She admitted this once when we were at a party. She does quite plainly treat my older DB with more affection, caring and empathy than she does myself and other DB. She didn't have to admit it for us to know though.

It has caused somewhat of an obstacle in our relationship resulting in us not being that close. She is not very supportive of me or anything I do, meaning when she is "supportive" I don't buy into and it's usually when other people are there and I don't have a particularly accepting reaction to it, not that I say anything, I just acknowledge it and want to scream "you're only being like this because so and so is here!!!".

I have often heard her calling myself and my older DB names on the phone, we're not perfect, but believe me we do not deserve the verbal abuse she gives to others about us, and most of the times it's lies. Her favourite has caused the most trouble in the family but he gets off scot free and she is always singing his praises to everyone. This results in the family absolutely fawning over him like she does and being a bit withdrawn from us.

I could go on, but I just wanted to say, that I'm glad you have been brave enough to acknowledge this and are willing to do something about it so your DD does not have to experience what your Dsis has and what myself and my DB has.

Hi,
Good for you for wanting to tackle this,I'm sure you are an awesome mum.
You mentioned that you don't really do emotions,which I can totally relate to! I had some counselling last year for different reasons but the outcome was amazing. I will never be the gushing variety but the counselling put me back in touch with my emotions (yuk- psychobabble) and then I had to examine exactly what was wrong with me.(I was broken) It was painful,even physically painful at times but soooo worth it. I have a very healthy self respect now. Good luck.

I work with children and wondered if you could try a couple of things: choose a small thing to praise her about every day. make a right old song and dance about it- call other's attention to it. Try to link it to something she has actually done rather than her looks etc. I do loads of this in the class room.
Tell her that she is in your mind and you are thinking about her when she isn't there. It links to attachment and is an easy way to let a child know you love them.

Since you don't do emotion and I'm not keen either- you're alright,you are.

I just think that if you have two totally different characters with DC's (yes I know they are different characters but I mean really really different, like two ends of a spectrum) well then you end up loving them differently.

I have felt a bit like you Myfirstname because one of my DC's is so so much easier to love than the other. But now they are older, I realise I have a different kind of love. The amenable easy-to-love one is a constant affection type love, it's always there. The other harder-to-love one... well it's rarely there but it is so much deeper and when something happens to instigate my feeling of love for that child, it is the 'would lay my life on the line and kill for her' type of feeling, it's so deep it's scary. And I honestly think Myfirstname your love for your DD will grow but it will be a different type of love than you have for your DS. Good luck.

I read that thread about loving your DCs equally. I too, couldn't post.

It wasn't this way when they were young but as they have grown up I find it very hard to like one of my DCs. I have overcompensated for that and that has caused other issues. I love my child but not the person they have become, if that makes sense.

Please go and have counselling, don't focus on the 'I do not do emotion' issue, focus instead on the 'I need to understand myself' issue. You had pnd after your dd's birth, this may on a fundamental level have caused an association with regards to dd.

You are honest and aware now that there is a discrepancy between your feelings for ds and dd, with help you can bridge this gap.

Be gentle with yourself

I think you're being far too tough on yourself but it's great that you're trying to fix it. I only have one dc for now but fwiw, I was out for dinner with a group of older women (55ish) and one exclaimed after a few drinks that nobody likes to admit it but you always have a favourite. All the others agreed with her. So you're certainly not alone!

I think also there is a tendency to hold back a bit on the first one if we are not sure of our parenting. If we felt we didn't quite get the unconditional love ourselves. And PND will add to this. So we try to do things by the book in order to "get it right" and this can mean cutting off from our natural, more emotional selves. In consequence we are more demanding of them in almost every way and we sort of set them up to fail.

When the second one comes, we are naturally more relaxed because we have actually done this before. Plus, they are the baby of the family and they always will be so in a sense you can't fail. In your head they will always be cuddly and "your baby". I know my DS (4) has to pass fewer tests in my head than DD (7) because he always gets the "he's just the baby" pass. DD didn't really get a chance to do this because she was bumped up to "oldest" before I could really grow in confidence as a mother to her.

Your two are quite close in age - I'm sure you would have grown closer to her over time and as your confidence grew. But DS turned up and he got all the easy love.

Good for you for tackling this OP. This nest of vipers ain't too bad sometimes

A quick update: Have just booked myself an initial consultation with a counsellor/psychotherapist for Monday. She was lovely on the phone.

I feel very scared. But not anxious. Relieved scared. Still quite teary and beaten up.

You have all given me hope - that I am not really a terrible monster. And that this is fixable. I have to do this. For DD. For DS. For me. Not just another course of ADs - which work for a bit and then gradually I end up here again.

Was going to go for a run now - get a few endorphins going. But it is pissing it down with rain. And I am knackered. So will take my grumpy dog out for a romp in the fields, get a bit of nature and then I think I may listen to you all and be kind to myself - cup of tea and bath (in the middle of the day....how decadent is that!!!!)

Oh and guggen..thank you, you made me smile. So you're all right too!

I may log off for a few days now. I may try to come back after Monday - but I think I need to stop picking the scab for a few days now (IYSWIM - bluerghh)and kind of lift my head up. A nice bath. A shall try and have a lovely weekend with everyone - and enjoy my girl time with DD.

Sorry, that was my thread

I'm glad you are seeking help My and I really hope it helps you

Sorry again for making you feel shit.

Oh puds no! You have nothing to apologise for! You or even your thread has not made me feel like shit. My situation (whether that is down to DD's birth, pregnancy, my mother, my depression etc) has been making me feel shit for years. Your thread has helped me take the bull by the horns and deal with it. Thank you for your thread. Please do not feel you have to apologise at all.

Definitely seek help You sound like you want to which is half the battle. My mother was like this and of her 4 children only sees 3 It had a huge effect. Better to tackle it early {smile]

meant only sees 1 doesn't see the other 3