Have met my soul mate does money matter?

[Shybairns]

Am recently divorced with 2 DCs and am lucky enough to have already met an amazing man. We have been a couple for 5 months now and I can't believe the amazing connection we have. I can honestly say we are soul mates. He and I are so well matched.

So what's the issue?

The reason I am writing is that due to many circumstances which were beyond his control (at the age of 43) he is only just starting out in his career.

He got his degree in Computer Programming in 2009 and is employed as a junior programmer.

I have always had plenty of money. My Dad earned well and we had a very comfortable life. My ex h earned a lot and money was not a worry for us at all.

My bf earns only £21,000. He says that he has more money now than he has ever had his whole life. And I am proud of him for getting to this point. However he earns so little that saving is virtually impossible and the treats that I had previously taken for granted are out of his range/

This is all fine. Its a new relationship.

Thing is we are so in love we are already talking of when we'll move in together and how amazing our future will be together.

He says his career is only in its infancy and that he will work hard to climb the ladder and earn more.

Is he deluding himself? Can a man of his age (43) really compete with younger men for jobs?

Will his lack of money one day make me feel negatively about him? I really don't want it too. I hate to think that money issues could ruin what should be a wonderful partnership.

By the way I don't want to be dependent on him financially and I do plan to work hard on my career and support myself and my kids.
Though I am currently not working and trying to start a new career.

Am I being silly? Or do you see trouble ahead? Hard when you don't know me but hopefully I've told you enough...

This is a risk so many women take. They stay at home while their husband career goes from strength to strength and you can say its "Our money." But of course it's not! If you split then you will end up a single mum on benefits with no career prospects.

I think if the op had her own career I would tend to agree with what she was saying but all she wants to do is sponge of other men and be supported. Sorry but grow up and provide your own money and lifestyle, that way nothing can be taken from you.

In the feeding frenzy of attempting to out do each other in your insults and sarcasm, you don't appear to have noticed the OP isn't listening to you any more. Why would she? She posts a thread to get advice and others thoughts, and she is abused and bullied. Many of your posts are so unnecessarily vitriolic, it says a lot more about your character than the OPs. Of course I am not speaking about those who have posted thoughts without the need to demean someone. Put you white robes and pointy hats away and get a grip.

Absolutely. This it's all our money no matter who earns it soon becomes a nonsense when people separate and people are left high and dry.

Well said WhateverClever - I am so fed up of reading these nasty replies from posters who are clearly just jealous and bitter. Happens so often on Mumsnet, makes me think that I will never post a thread again. Did that once and you should have seen the nastiness that ensued.

Good luck OP and hope you can take the good advice that was given on this thread and ignore all the bitters.

My exh was obsessed about money, running his own business and having all the latest trends in every gadget and fashion accessory going. He spent very little time with us as a family and I felt like a single mother doing it all on my own way before we split.

I am now with a lovely man who works as a TA in a school so as I'm a teacher we get the holidays together as a family. He earns very little but is more involved in ds life than exh ever was and is not afraid to do the majority of the cooking/cleaning etc while I plan/mark (work my doodahs off) to bring home the bacon. We work well together and he is the kindest person I know. We don't have the latest or the greatest, but what we have is a meaningful relationship and a happy son.

I had no reservations about being in a relationship with dp, even though he is on a very low wage, as I earn enough to keep us all going. I like being the breadwinner in the family.

Oh dear, some of the comments are very harsh but I think the tone of the original post (wealthy background, expects treats) has really got people's backs up and I can understand why.

I also reckon the comments about jealousy are somewhat wide of the mark. Do people saying this honestly believe that most women secretly yearn to be provided for by a wealthy man? Now, I can only speak for myself with any degree of certainty but I don't think they do.

As for money making you happy...well, I used to have plenty of cash when living with XP and had a great job with plenty of disposable income but was thoroughly miserable. Now I'm a single mum with a not so well paid job and consequently much less money but infinitely happier. Knowing that I'm the main (well, only) earner and can support myself and DS makes me feel pretty good.

I would quite like a wealthy man to provide for me, working hard is overrated in my books.

The problem with relying on someone else to fund you, whoever they may be (and I don't include couples one of whom is a SAHP in that, they are contributing equally - childcare, running the home and so on) is that they could change their mind at any time. Of course they might not - but I wouldn't want to take the chance.

Welcome to MN WhateverClever.

But then flippinida, even if my husband abandoned me financially - which is very unlikely - I would just go back to working hard again and earning my keep which I am perfectly capable of doing. I would just rather not have to.

I am married to my soul mate. We have never had any money and atm are surviving on far less than your bf earns, having paid off a mortgage on min wage.

I must say you are quick to shout soul mate after only a few months. I didn't realise until we were well into our relationship.
If you have dc I urge you not to rush into things, especially as you say you are recently divorced.
I am also worried that you are so obviously career and financially minded, where your bf obviously isn't. If he is 43 and has not forged a career yet, it seems highly unlikely. I wouldn't worry about finances and career though as its the person you fall in love with, not the pay packet.
From the sound of your post you expect him to be something he isn't and this will make you bitter I'm afraid.
You either love him for who is or not OP.

The world is full of women who thought it would never happen to them, though.

I'm not some joyless Gradgrindian workaholic, and I appreciate that people have differing priorities - I just wouldn't want to be dependent on somebody else's benevolence.

In am married to a man who has fully supported his ex wife, to whom he was married for a matter of months. I have been married to my husband for decades and am about to have my fifth child with him. I think it is quite fair to assume that unless I seriously piss him off he would give me a fair financial settlement.

In my time I have earned six figure salaries, I have had two very successful careers - one of which I still have. I could support myself if I needed to. I would quite like to spend my days having coffee and pottering though.

I think that's great and am genuinely pleased for you .

I'm not having a go - I just think we have a different philosophy, which is fine. I was left high and dry by my ex who was an abusive bully so I'm proud of what I've achieved, which is very modest , but I'm proud all the same.

Coffee and pottering is very appealing though, I agree with you there .

This is 2014. Not 1914.

I do actually work, so I am not really reliant on my husband - although I could not maintain the same lifestyle that I have now. I would just rather have my lifestyle and do bugger all for it. I am working on that.

I think the OP was just mulling a question out loud - the pros and cons about venturing into a sitution of which she has no experience - ie living on a lower family income (from him) for the long term and then training, developing a career and contrubuting to the family income herself. It is sensible of her to reflect that this would be challenging and needs consideration.....but it looks to me that she will always be better off which ever way she slices it.....if she adds the 21k and her new salary to her existing settlement then things should be fine.
As she is divorced she is aware that money (someone elses at least) doesnt buy you security or happiness.

Will his lack of money one day make me feel negatively about him?

The answer to that question lies in the fact that you asked it.

Lots of people on this thread are describing themselves as independent or paying their own way, when what they mean is that they work and receive a salary. As do I.

But, surely once you marry and/or have children with a partner you are always going to find that your finances are interlinked with someone else's finances even after you split? Either you are on a lower salary, in which case you are hopefully going to be in receipt of maintenance, or your salary is higher in which case you may well end up paying maintenance.

If no partner is involved and you are a parent on £20k then you are likely to be in receipt of tax credits and other support, so you are in a financial relationship with the state.

The only example I can think of complete independence would be where someone had ring-fenced assets, maybe a trust fund? Or, a woman had conceived children using donor sperm.

I've found this thread a bit of an eye-opener.........and quite sad really.