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Original poster

Have met my soul mate does money matter?

172 replies

Shybairns · 25/02/2014 18:10

Am recently divorced with 2 DCs and am lucky enough to have already met an amazing man. We have been a couple for 5 months now and I can't believe the amazing connection we have. I can honestly say we are soul mates. He and I are so well matched.

So what's the issue?

The reason I am writing is that due to many circumstances which were beyond his control (at the age of 43) he is only just starting out in his career.

He got his degree in Computer Programming in 2009 and is employed as a junior programmer.

I have always had plenty of money. My Dad earned well and we had a very comfortable life. My ex h earned a lot and money was not a worry for us at all.

My bf earns only £21,000. He says that he has more money now than he has ever had his whole life. And I am proud of him for getting to this point. However he earns so little that saving is virtually impossible and the treats that I had previously taken for granted are out of his range/

This is all fine. Its a new relationship.

Thing is we are so in love we are already talking of when we'll move in together and how amazing our future will be together.

He says his career is only in its infancy and that he will work hard to climb the ladder and earn more.

Is he deluding himself? Can a man of his age (43) really compete with younger men for jobs?

Will his lack of money one day make me feel negatively about him? I really don't want it too. I hate to think that money issues could ruin what should be a wonderful partnership.

By the way I don't want to be dependent on him financially and I do plan to work hard on my career and support myself and my kids.
Though I am currently not working and trying to start a new career.

Am I being silly? Or do you see trouble ahead? Hard when you don't know me but hopefully I've told you enough...

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 25/02/2014 21:18

wow - have you always been so mercenary? Have you ever earnt 21k?

Logg1e · 25/02/2014 21:20

Name names then Tinks don't be mealy-mouthed.

Tinks42 · 25/02/2014 21:20

The OP may wish to return to her career and that's fine... Like goes with like and when poverty flies in the window love flies out, its not a romantic thought its reality. If the OP needs to question it then im with her on the fact that he's 42 and just starting out? ummmmm .

bringbacksideburns · 25/02/2014 21:20

Concentrate on making your own money and open up your very narrow view of life.

Most people do not have a lifestyle like you are lucky enough to have had. Also many people up North would be glad to earn his salary so stop slagging it off and get on with it.

Philoslothy · 25/02/2014 21:22

Add message | Report | Message poster LEMmingaround Tue 25-Feb-14 21:18:47
wow - have you always been so mercenary? Have you ever earnt 21k?

Was that addressed to me, yes I have earned not amounts similar to that when I stated out in teaching, in fact when training I earned less than that. I was able to do that, while raising a family because my husband supported me.

Tinks42 · 25/02/2014 21:23

what and get kicked off again! Logg1e?

Tinks42 · 25/02/2014 21:26

So what if people don't have the OP's lifestyle? I don't either, im not bitter about it, good for her.

JeanSeberg · 25/02/2014 21:33

Also many people up North would be glad to earn his salary

I'm up north, I could buy missen a reet grand pigeon loft for 21 grand tha knows!

Snuppeline · 25/02/2014 21:35

OP are you concerned about what your friends and family will think of your DP when they learn of his lack of earning potential? Sounds like you two didn't come from the same background so naturally have different social circles, will he fit with your family and friends?

Personally, your post describing how much you admire him tells me you could be onto something good but being with someone who doesn't "fit" with your wider circle can be hard. If you resent the lack of money he's earning and your friends/family treat him poorly because of it (presuming they could do that which is a bit of an assumption of course) you might come to be ashamed of him. And that I don't think he deserves by the sounds of things.

I think the other posters are right that your a little hypocritical. Make your own money! Think you also need to take a hard look at your views on relationships. Does women have to be a particular way and men another in your world? If so why? Broaden your horizon.

Oh and chill out a bit, you've only known each other a very short while and you've got children to think of, don't rush them into your new relationship.

Lavenderhoney · 25/02/2014 21:40

It's very early days. You may have to go back to court if your ex realises you now have a live in lover in the family home if he is still paying whole or part of the mortgage and his income will be taken into account.
You need to get advice on that from a solicitor perhaps, who dealt with your divorce.

If your new chap pays rent and has a rent book he will have no claim on your property should you split. Do not allow him to contribute to the mortage as such, so you both may prefer to either buy out your dh or sell and buy somewhere between you. Or he purchase a buy to let for his own.

Your assets such as inheritance should be tied up so even if you marry your children will benefit. Please renew your will. Your exdh should think about this too, as if you marry then your new dh will inherit anything coming to you if you die before him. Do not rely on goodwill and promises in the flush of love.

If you are worried he won't be able to afford his share of holidays to the Maldives and you have to go camping instead, or wave as you and the dc go to the airport, you may be better off staying single.

If you value his contribution to your quality of life and love in monetary terms, you may be ok with funding him to some extent so you have his company. Many couples with different financial assets do this!

If you expect to keep your savings and spend his earnings , he might not like that, tbh. Put your savings aside, look at the effect on your exdh contribution and reaction.

Plus your exdh could remarry and have dc, which again, will have an effect on your future maintenance and expectations plus of course when your children reach a certain age/ move this man in he can apply to sell the house/ change payments.

hermionepotter · 25/02/2014 21:49

OP if you have marital assets/divorce maintenance, which I imagine you do, you really need to factor in how moving in with this man might affect your children and put them first IMO when thinking about what to do.

You're recently divorced and therefore maybe haven't dated much and could be getting carried away in the first flush of love lust

It may have a massive impact on you and dcs standard of living if you live together and I'd hold off that if I were you and give it much longer for you, and very importantly dcs, to get to know him. There's no rush and no reason why you all have to live together at this point.

AmazingJumper · 26/02/2014 00:20

It is early days for you and him, and if it's true love then it will still be true love in two years time. By that time you might have more of a perspective on the concerns you are feeling now.

whitesugar · 26/02/2014 00:44

Cogito, spot on as always. Soul mates tend to look less fab when your neighbours are going on a cruise. Just saying ...

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 26/02/2014 06:58

"Only" £21k? DP and I don't earn that amount combined, and we're perfectly happy.

I grew up in a "rich" household. Private education, foreign holidays, dad earned well in excess of 100k, etc etc. But you know what? I'm happier now than I was then. Yes, it was nice to have lots of luxuries and nice food, but now I have someone who loves me, who cares for me, who would do anything to make me happy.

He makes me cups of coffee in bed every day, he brings me home little presents (tiny things - a bar of my favourite chocolate, a can of my favourite drink, etc) and he always shows me how much he's thinking of me. That's so much more important than the money in his bank account.

How he makes you feel and how he treats you is SO much more important than what his income is. I would rather DP "only" earned 21k and was happy than earned 50k and was miserable.

georgesdino · 26/02/2014 07:05

I am going in to a much higher paid job but even on 30k combined income we have 2 foriegn holidays (3 weeks in total) a year, a uk hol as well every year, paid the mortgage, run a decent modern car, and not a pennys debt, and nearly 3 children.

He is going out with a jobless single mum so that isnt appealing to many men that I have known.

bragmatic · 26/02/2014 07:07

Yes, I see potential trouble ahead. I would safeguard any assets you have now, to make sure that you and your children retain them if you marry this man, and then divorce. You have plenty of money - that fact that you didn't work as hard for it as others is irrelevant. It's yours, and your dcs. Make sure it stays that way.

I would also think twice about getting involved with someone who didn't start earning money until their early 40s. (you haven't elaborated on the 'circumstances beyond his control' bit…unless I missed it).

georgesdino · 26/02/2014 07:12

I 100% believe in soulmates. Hardly anyone is with theirs but I know Im with mine.

ItIsAnIdeasGame · 26/02/2014 07:23

I hear you OP. I would be much more worried about safeguarding your current assets and not living together as you don't seem to have a way of recreating them yourself. There are many women who divorce affluent men and see themselves in completely different financial circumstances.

My husband is wealthy, we see it as our wealth and I work 2 days a week. However, should we split 'our' money would go back to being 'his' money and my financial status would disappear. This does worry me as when my affluent parents divorced my mother was screwed and I don't want to be in the same position. She has also married someone who earns perhaps a 10% of my father and she is bitter and sad. She also just wanted to fall in love but she now counsels to do it wisely as she still struggles to reconcile her past life with her present one. She is, frankly, scared and depressed about her impending old age.

So, what would I do? I would continue to have a lovely boyfriend but turn my focus on to your children and actually building a career that would go someway to keeping your children in the life they are used to. Use all your contacts, beg and borrow for a good job and release your own potential. If your gorgeous boyfriend and you still have a connection in a couple of years, re-evaluate.

Logg1e · 26/02/2014 07:41

Georgesdino what makes you believe in soulmates? How do you know you're with your soulmate? How do you know most people aren't with theirs?

georgesdino · 26/02/2014 08:13

I believe in the lot. Dh and I met and we started talking about marriage after a week, and were married very quickly. Once you know you know to me.

HectorVector · 26/02/2014 08:18

You need to focus on being financially independent. You mention your father earning well, your ex husband earning well, your new boyfriend not earning well but trying hard to progress up the career ladder. It's all well and good if the men in your life warn good incomes but you need to stop focussing on that and focus on why you too can bring to the relationship. If you love him the fact he doesn't and won't earn as much as your dad and ex really shouldn't even be an issue.

HectorVector · 26/02/2014 08:19

Bloody typos... When will I learn to preview?

TonyThePony · 26/02/2014 08:45

Jean Grin

Logg1e · 26/02/2014 10:20

So the definition of a soulmate is somebody you discuss marriage with very early George? Fair enough, and meets your criteria of not many people doing this. I just thought it'd involve more than that.

georgesdino · 26/02/2014 10:24

No its knowing straight away you wil never be withou t that person, the first night you met you instantly feel like you have kniwn each other your whole life, and even years on you have never encountered anyone you feel closer to. We knew the day after we met we would be married forever. Its weird if youve never experienced it