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Original poster

Have met my soul mate does money matter?

172 replies

Shybairns · 25/02/2014 18:10

Am recently divorced with 2 DCs and am lucky enough to have already met an amazing man. We have been a couple for 5 months now and I can't believe the amazing connection we have. I can honestly say we are soul mates. He and I are so well matched.

So what's the issue?

The reason I am writing is that due to many circumstances which were beyond his control (at the age of 43) he is only just starting out in his career.

He got his degree in Computer Programming in 2009 and is employed as a junior programmer.

I have always had plenty of money. My Dad earned well and we had a very comfortable life. My ex h earned a lot and money was not a worry for us at all.

My bf earns only £21,000. He says that he has more money now than he has ever had his whole life. And I am proud of him for getting to this point. However he earns so little that saving is virtually impossible and the treats that I had previously taken for granted are out of his range/

This is all fine. Its a new relationship.

Thing is we are so in love we are already talking of when we'll move in together and how amazing our future will be together.

He says his career is only in its infancy and that he will work hard to climb the ladder and earn more.

Is he deluding himself? Can a man of his age (43) really compete with younger men for jobs?

Will his lack of money one day make me feel negatively about him? I really don't want it too. I hate to think that money issues could ruin what should be a wonderful partnership.

By the way I don't want to be dependent on him financially and I do plan to work hard on my career and support myself and my kids.
Though I am currently not working and trying to start a new career.

Am I being silly? Or do you see trouble ahead? Hard when you don't know me but hopefully I've told you enough...

OP posts:
Logg1e · 25/02/2014 20:14

I don't think people are criticising you for not having earned a living, I think they are criticising the fact that haven't earned a living and you're criticising your boyfriend for only earning £21k. Can you see the hypocrisy in that?

FrogbyAnotherName · 25/02/2014 20:22

OP, check out the Marriage Builders website and do the exercises together to identify your most important emotional needs.
This will give you an idea of whether you will begin to resent the lower income that your DP is likely to have over time.

No one can answer for you - your own combination of emotional needs are unique to you.

BuggersMuddle · 25/02/2014 20:45

owllady I understand what you're saying on stuff and status, but I still think it's a bit unrealistic I grew up in a moderately sized private bungalow with a spare room, so it's not unreasonable that I aspire to that same lifestyle for myself.

There is a whole continuum in the middle, but I would be very unlikely to consider as a long term partner, someone who earned minimum wage with no prospects.

Logg1e · 25/02/2014 20:48

But that's not the situation here Buggers. Here we have an OP with no wage, wondering whether to consider a boyfriend earning "only" £21k.

Owllady · 25/02/2014 20:53

It depends what you feel is important
I have lost a sister young. I have a child who is severely disabled. My outlook on life is most probably very different to other people my age, mid 30s. Yet I imagine it's the same for my other children too. Life is about more than having a spare bedroom. It really is. When you lie dying in the street, in your home,in hospital, no amount of money or stuff will compensate for love and compassion (even if it's off a stranger)
I do realise people will think I am romantic, but I am nit really. I have seen a really shitty, horrible side of life most people do nit see, do not experience, especially at my age. I still feel love, empathy and even hope and striving for better, within health or otherwise, is more important than stuff and status

Owllady · 25/02/2014 20:55

And yes, 21k is his starting wage. He has actually retrained to strive fir better
But if someone met me and judged me solely on my earning capacity. Well the, they are not fir me anyway :)

Owllady · 25/02/2014 20:56

I do know fir and for are seperate words by the way, my kindle is a tosser. I would not marry him

GillyMac93 · 25/02/2014 20:58

Wow ! Glad iv never posted on here for financial advice ! Our joint income is about the same as your partner ,both working full time !

BuggersMuddle · 25/02/2014 20:59

Logg1e I raised all of that in my previous post to be fair (unless I've screwed up in raising it). I totally agree it's bizarre for a non-earner (dependent on earning potential / what they have lined up) to be casting aspersions on someone's earning potential when they are pulling in far more than they do.

There is a long term question though in terms of expectations on both sides and I think that's worth contemplating.

Tinks42 · 25/02/2014 21:01

Men usually don't judge women on their earning capacity as we usually have the children therefore its a non comparison or should be. I personally would be cautious where he is concerned and not listen to the "screamers" on here.

Tinks42 · 25/02/2014 21:03

Keep what you have and aim higher.....

Logg1e · 25/02/2014 21:05

Point taken Buggers.

Somebody's already mentioned the recent thread on this topic, and that was enlightening.

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/02/2014 21:06

So you still need to retrain so technically your career isn't even started let alone progressing. If you are 34 and not worked in 7 years and went to uni that means the maximum you could have worked is 6 years. Het he is working and earning yet you dont deem it good enough Hmm

If I was a gambling person, i'd hesitate to guess you'll be a SAHM again in the very near future with his child.

Logg1e · 25/02/2014 21:06

Tinks stop stirring. Nobody's screaming about anything.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/02/2014 21:07

"Screamers"?

Tinks42 · 25/02/2014 21:10

what on earth does a "career" have to do with things? what on earth does it have to do with someone not working in 7 years? She is affluent and good for her.

A stay at home mum again with his kid? what on earth is that?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2014 21:11

I still think the OP has a valid concern. She may be operating double-standards and she may be wrong-headed to be living in this Jane Austen world where women don't look twice at someone who is not 'in possession of a good fortune' etc but it's honest to admit it, if not exactly a popular stance. Soul mates are romantic creations and, if money is important, the danger is she's going to get tired of Mr Below Average Earnings and the romance will fade.

Sneezecakesmum · 25/02/2014 21:11

The main thing I've learned about life and relationships is that possessions and social status don't make you happy. People do.

Tinks42 · 25/02/2014 21:12

we don't all have to have careers you know. We can also say that a 42 year old man just starting out isn't for us. OP, go with how YOU feel about the situation, maybe you haven't told us all of it (reading between the lines) and to post on here questioning it may give you your answer?

Philoslothy · 25/02/2014 21:13

For a marriage to work, I think you need to be honest about what you want from it. There is no point going into a relationship thinking that money doesn't matter when it does.

Philoslothy · 25/02/2014 21:13

That isn't phrased quite right I meant thinking that money doesn't matter to you - when it does.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 25/02/2014 21:14

Yes, money does matter.

It matters that you can support yourself and any family you have.

It also matters that you have something in life that you like to do and it's nice if you can get paid to do it.

I think you need to stop looking to this guy as your meal ticket.

It's up to YOU and your ex to afford your children.

It's up to you to be able to afford the treats you want.

To think of looking down on a hardworking, diligent man with a job he likes because he doesn't earn as much as you think you deserve is really crap.

Tinks42 · 25/02/2014 21:17

Im being honest, and yes there are people on here that I feel "scream" due to being very unhappy in their own lives...

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/02/2014 21:17

And they say romance is dead Hmm How special must a partner feel knowing the main attraction was his wallet.

Tinks, the OP mentioned her career hence the response.

Philoslothy · 25/02/2014 21:17

Add message | Report | Message poster Sneezecakesmum Tue 25-Feb-14 21:11:51
The main thing I've learned about life and relationships is that possessions and social status don't make you happy. People do.

I don't really have social status so can't comment on that one, I have possessions that make me happy. They wouldn't make me happy if I was with someone I didn't love however I am with a man that I love which makes me happy and between us we earn a decent amount of money that has enabled us to buy things that make us happy. I will be honest and admit that my husband earns multiples of my wages - so really he funds our lifestyle. I also could not have the number of children that I have without that income and my children , while not possessions make me happy and they need money.

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