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Original poster

Have met my soul mate does money matter?

172 replies

Shybairns · 25/02/2014 18:10

Am recently divorced with 2 DCs and am lucky enough to have already met an amazing man. We have been a couple for 5 months now and I can't believe the amazing connection we have. I can honestly say we are soul mates. He and I are so well matched.

So what's the issue?

The reason I am writing is that due to many circumstances which were beyond his control (at the age of 43) he is only just starting out in his career.

He got his degree in Computer Programming in 2009 and is employed as a junior programmer.

I have always had plenty of money. My Dad earned well and we had a very comfortable life. My ex h earned a lot and money was not a worry for us at all.

My bf earns only £21,000. He says that he has more money now than he has ever had his whole life. And I am proud of him for getting to this point. However he earns so little that saving is virtually impossible and the treats that I had previously taken for granted are out of his range/

This is all fine. Its a new relationship.

Thing is we are so in love we are already talking of when we'll move in together and how amazing our future will be together.

He says his career is only in its infancy and that he will work hard to climb the ladder and earn more.

Is he deluding himself? Can a man of his age (43) really compete with younger men for jobs?

Will his lack of money one day make me feel negatively about him? I really don't want it too. I hate to think that money issues could ruin what should be a wonderful partnership.

By the way I don't want to be dependent on him financially and I do plan to work hard on my career and support myself and my kids.
Though I am currently not working and trying to start a new career.

Am I being silly? Or do you see trouble ahead? Hard when you don't know me but hopefully I've told you enough...

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 26/02/2014 18:29

Expat, i dont actually think much re-training is going on as last month the OP had no idea what she wanted to do as only worked on a cruise liner but knows it has to be suitable hours around the children, says she has no qualifications (yet uni above) but knows she'll be earning 25-30k in three years time Hmm

The new BF sounds like he is her soulmate based on the fact he is earning Sad but needs to earn more to meet the demands.

Surprised nobody has mentioned the children given the plans to move in already, they have already had the trauma of a divorce and the new relationship isnt even four months old.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2014 18:37

This thread reminds me of the brilliant Garucho Marx quote.

"Money can't buy you happiness. But if you have enough you can rent it!" Grin

It's niaive to think money doesn't matter at all in a relationship. You only have to read the relationships board to see how much strife it can cause.

But being quite so calculating as to assess a bloke on his ability to support me does stick in my craw a bit.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2014 18:42

Of course, only peons work in those low-paid jobs.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2014 18:45

Always plans to work hard, re-train, provide for oneself, support oneself, no actual JOB, though.

georgesdino · 26/02/2014 18:48

branchingout - Live down south but not in London, look for deals, shop around, go on money saving expert etc. Choose what you like most I like lots of holidays/trips so thats what I prioritise.

georgesdino · 26/02/2014 19:11

Going on philoslothys point I just went on takehomecalculator and 50000k is only 3k a month take home, but at that wage you wont get any tax credits. Its a bit disapointing really as although I am retraining to a well paid profession at the monent but dh and I are on much lower paid jobs at the moment but get around that as it adds in all the government help.

AnandaTimeIn · 26/02/2014 19:16

There's no such thing as a soulmate

And of course you know everything on earth, in heaven and everything in between Smile

expatinscotland · 26/02/2014 19:18

You got that right!

thecook · 27/02/2014 00:48

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moonriverandme · 27/02/2014 01:53

I think there is a difference between choosing a partner for their potential earnings and deciding at a later date to live off one persons salary so that one of you can sah to take care of chidren etc, However I feel it is better to have financial independence, if your relationship ends or your partner dies you are able to provide for yourself and children

Philoslothy · 27/02/2014 02:02

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bragmatic · 27/02/2014 02:48

That won't stop the gleeful peanut throwers from tossing around the "you're no more than a prostitute" chestnut though Philosophy. Vile.

The OP has financial independence. It's clear that posters feel resentful of how she got it. This board is full of women who are divorcing their husbands (for all sorts of reasons) after many years of staying at home. Are they all prostitutes, Cook? Or is it just the ones who had an amicable divorce and an equitable settlement? And the ones with lower paid husbands who ended up with an equally equitable settlement, but with a payout equal to a dingy bedsit - are they like the streetwalkers, while the OP is a high class hooker? Please, fill me in.

BranchingOut · 27/02/2014 08:38

Cook, that is one of the nastiest posts I have ever seen on MN. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yogii · 27/02/2014 09:55

Computer programmers are getting a hard time. These days they're called developers and the good ones I know are on close to 100k if in permanent employment, and in excess of that if in contracting. That said, if he's had the degree since 2009 and 5 years later is still on 21k, he's not managing his career very well. Either that or he likes the company he's with, likes where he lives, and likes a lifestyle 21k can buy.

rainbowsmiles · 27/02/2014 10:06

I have a soul mate. It's great. But money matters to soul mates too.

I find that soul mates share an outlook on life. Let's hope the OPs outlook on being taken care of is not shared by her soulmate. I fear the OP and her soulmate share the same drive. I predict a lot of debt.

And if he is your soul mate then why the hurry hurry. Take your time and enjoy the ride. If he really is your soulmate you'll be together foreva eva. And forever on a limited budget with expensive tastes is a very very long time.

Sharaluck · 27/02/2014 10:08

Hi op
Just to answer your question, I think his lower income shouldn't matter at this stage in your lives together. Your ex will be contributing money towards the dc and you hopefully will be earning soon as well. So your incomes combined should be fine for an ok standard of living, maybe without 'treats' but you seem to have accepted that.

However you are 34, do you plan on having more dc with your dp? If so, have you thought about the differences that you may experience this time around that may come about through having dc with a lower earning partner? Does this matter to you?

Philoslothy · 27/02/2014 21:21

Can I just make clear that my post was deleted because it quoted the previous unpleasant post. I did not attack anyone and rather politely disagreed with the poster who referred to SAHP as prostitutes.

thecook · 01/03/2014 00:48

I think I was misunderstood on this thread.

The OP is out of work and is relying on her husband to pay for her (maintemance)

The OP does not have a job but criticises her BF's job because he only eans 21k a year.

OP get off your arse and work. Then you can buy treats for yourself!!!!!"!!!!""

ItIsAnIdeasGame · 01/03/2014 04:25

OP is a divorced SAHP. Not 'out of work' so much.

therighttoshoes · 01/03/2014 04:57

I guess the definition of soul mates must be subjective... my vision of it does not include going through a check list, which includes being a high earner that can spoil me and indulge my chosen lifestyle.

beachside · 01/03/2014 07:11

If he really IS your soul mate, you wouldn't be asking this question.

Instead you are asking if he earns enough for you because your Daddy and your ex both did so much better. Hmmm. Maybe your soul mate needs to be asking about you.

HappyMummyOfOne · 01/03/2014 09:59

The OP doesnt have financial independance though, any money she has is at the mercy of her ex. Suspect shes looking for the next partner to support her as she made it quite clear she never expected to have to work and support herself.

I'd be giving my child a piece of my mind if they had the attitude that everyone else should work as they didnt fancy it. How lazy and entitled.

Poor bloke, lets hope he sees sense and runs for the hills.

Warbride · 01/03/2014 11:43

Classifying 21,000 per year as poor earnings is an insult to those who do earn this much. Life is not purely about money and treats.

bellablot · 01/03/2014 11:50

WTF, you are deluded. You have NOT met the man of your dreams or SOULMATE because he doesn't earn what you think is enough money.

You come across a spoilt brat and Ivan bet one of the reasons you married your EX was because he was a high earner and look where that got you...

Your BF should be posting on here and you should be ashamed of asking!!! Confused

Viviennemary · 01/03/2014 11:54

Since your own earnings are zero surely that should be a greater concern to you. I'd hate my son to be involved with someone so blinkered and entitled.

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