Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have met my soul mate does money matter?

172 replies

Shybairns · 25/02/2014 18:10

Am recently divorced with 2 DCs and am lucky enough to have already met an amazing man. We have been a couple for 5 months now and I can't believe the amazing connection we have. I can honestly say we are soul mates. He and I are so well matched.

So what's the issue?

The reason I am writing is that due to many circumstances which were beyond his control (at the age of 43) he is only just starting out in his career.

He got his degree in Computer Programming in 2009 and is employed as a junior programmer.

I have always had plenty of money. My Dad earned well and we had a very comfortable life. My ex h earned a lot and money was not a worry for us at all.

My bf earns only £21,000. He says that he has more money now than he has ever had his whole life. And I am proud of him for getting to this point. However he earns so little that saving is virtually impossible and the treats that I had previously taken for granted are out of his range/

This is all fine. Its a new relationship.

Thing is we are so in love we are already talking of when we'll move in together and how amazing our future will be together.

He says his career is only in its infancy and that he will work hard to climb the ladder and earn more.

Is he deluding himself? Can a man of his age (43) really compete with younger men for jobs?

Will his lack of money one day make me feel negatively about him? I really don't want it too. I hate to think that money issues could ruin what should be a wonderful partnership.

By the way I don't want to be dependent on him financially and I do plan to work hard on my career and support myself and my kids.
Though I am currently not working and trying to start a new career.

Am I being silly? Or do you see trouble ahead? Hard when you don't know me but hopefully I've told you enough...

OP posts:
chandlery · 25/02/2014 19:09

To be honest I was trying to judge the situation as presented in the op. I have no idea how op is supporting herself. Maybe she earnt 6 figures got made redundant and is living on her payout, maybe she lives on benefits and is a canny saver?

Either way dating someone with a vastly different lifestyle can be difficult (regardless of £££) unless you work at it

maras2 · 25/02/2014 19:14

I'll give it just another 6 months.

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/02/2014 19:20

I think he should be the one who is worries not the other way around. You sound like you have be provided for your whole life and still have no income you earn as an adult.

Its sad and disheartening how many women look at their prospectives husbands based on their income and the lifetsyle it will afford them.

If he knew what you were thinking and had any common sense he'd run now.

Apatite1 · 25/02/2014 19:33

Christ, I can't believe there are women who live off other people's money in 2014. I hope I'm wrong and you have just changed careers rather than being supported by family/partner's money all your life. I really hope that's the case.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2014 19:36

A soulmate? Oh, please. You want 'treats'? Try getting off your backside, getting a job and buying them yourself instead of hooking up with any warm body who come salons to leech off them.

wyrdyBird · 25/02/2014 19:38

...well...the thing I do find a little is talking about an amazing connection, soul mates, and the wonderful future you'll have together, when one of you is 43. Not that you don't have a great future at 43, just that it seems a little child like to my eyes (sorry if that sounds unkind).

Also, you seem to be over emphasising how well matched you are, as if trying to convince yourself.

So, leaving aside the money issue, I would really encourage you to get to know each other well, until you are both less amazed and are just loving each other's company, warts and all. :) By then you'll both have a clearer idea of your financial position and respective career paths.

ThatBloodyWoman · 25/02/2014 19:41

I can't believe what I'm reading op.

I hope he realises quickly..........

SolidGoldBrass · 25/02/2014 19:43

I am wondering what the 'circumstances' were that stopped this new boyfriend working up until the age of 43. You may not want to share them online OP, but if we are talking something like physical or mental health issues, or spending most of his early adulthood behind bars (where he FOund Jeezus and abandoned his wicked ways, naturally) you're probably right to be cautious.
You do sound a bit... unworldly. There's no such thing as a soulmate, for example, there are just a selection of people who an individual finds attractive and who may or may not be decent partner material - if one is into couplehood in the first place.

Also, if your personal circumstances are that you, presently, have a good income (from divorce settlement or a trust fund or something) I wonder if you are anxious that the new man might have a cocklodging streak.

penguinplease · 25/02/2014 19:44

Strange that you question his ability to progress up the career ladder yet say yourself you plan a career change. Are you much younger?

MinesAPintOfTea · 25/02/2014 19:45

Soulmates don't exist. There are thousands of men out there who would be suitable for you to fall in love with (and I say this as a happily married woman). If he's not right for you for practical reasons then you don't have to stay with him because of chemistry.

But if you're aiming out of your league then this will just lead you to continual disappointment. Especially as you don't earn more yourself.

BuggersMuddle · 25/02/2014 19:45

I think OP you've shot yourself in the foot a bit in disclosing you earn zero. Were you a high earner before / do you expect to be in the future? If so, it might be reasonable to be concerned if you are on a different trajectory.

If you're retraining, are you a similar age? If so, what are your own financial objectives and do you expect to meet them given your age?

Programming can be reasonably lucrative (but won't generate 6 figures unless you're the absolute shit, have very specialist abilities, or are involved in a start up that makes it). It also depends on industry.

I think it's good for people to be on the same page about both individual and joint goals. If people decide at a young age that one partner will shoot for the career and the other do the caring / household side of thing then that's their decision (not one I'd make, but everyone is in theory happy that they are pulling their weight as agreed).

I normally wouldn't say this, but I would reflect on your own appeal. If you are a similar age, with ex, kids and not a supermodel, you're alternative to 'lovely but lowish earner' is not necessarily 'lovely and high income who wants to support a partner at home'. In fact it almost certainly isn't. You might partner with a higher earner of course, but I'd really focus on your own earning potential.

Of course if you think you'll look down on him anyway, then let him go. I dropped people who didn't have the same goals as me for that reason, but that was at a young age. Just understand if you do so, whether you are looking down on him from your own pedestal, or a higher one that's built up on the achievements of the men you've been attached to.

Lweji · 25/02/2014 19:46

What makes you think your career will take off more easily than his?

Tinks42 · 25/02/2014 19:53

Firstly, I would say that other "jealous" people that have posted nasty comments to you need to sod off.

Secondly, I would say that he probably is never going to earn the income that you are used to a man earning, this will bring problems, they aren't insurmountable, as nothing is but it may be a bone of contention?

The fact that you are asking the question probably means that he isn't the one for you?

Owllady · 25/02/2014 19:56

He could have just been poor
Worked every day was knackered
Or was a carer?
I think people really underestimate how much harder it is if you actually have nothing

Original poster
Shybairns · 25/02/2014 19:59

I don't think my life story is that unusual.

I went to uni, got myself a job and supported myself until my income joined with my ex h. We decided that I would be a sahm. So have not worked for past 7 years.

I am now getting by on maintenance payments.
I will retrain and get job and aim to be independent of my ex in the future. I am 34.

Yes I have been used to being provided for. But so have many friends and family. I am not unusual.

When I got married I never anticipated that one day I would be divorced and expected to provide for myself.

I am going to work hard and do it though.

My bf lost his dad at 15 and was lacking in support and guidance there after. He suffered a major back injury which left him unable to return to work as a welder. After a number of years on incapacity benefit he got himself together and did a degree and now works and is nearly pain free.
I admire him hugely.

I fully agree that I should focus on my own earning capacity and not a potential life that he could provide for me and the DCs. But old habits die hard.

OP posts:
Owllady · 25/02/2014 20:03

Or you could stop being obsessed with stuff and status
I mean that in the nicest possible way
People are more important

expatinscotland · 25/02/2014 20:04

Jealous? Of what? Most people stop believing in 'soulmates' around the age of 16 and learn about rebound relationships around age 21 or so.

plutarch14 · 25/02/2014 20:05

"When I got married I never anticipated that one day I would be divorced and expected to provide for myself."

Just focus on this. When you earn enough to support yourself, you will never have to rely on some man ever again. You speak of him supporting your DC (potentially) but as you have already learned, most relationships aren't forever.

When I clicked on this thread I expected the problem to be that you earn 6 figures and the difference in income was becoming a problem. I could see that. But there really is no problem here. He sounds like he understands the importance of work and supporting oneself, so hopefully he should be an inspiration to you.

Have to say I am a bit Hmm about the whole concept of 'soulmates'. Don't think there really is any such thing.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 25/02/2014 20:08

Jealous? Absolutely NOTHING to be jealous of here.

Philoslothy · 25/02/2014 20:10

I think the OP us getting quite a hard time here . I remember a thread in which MNers were discussing if earnings was a factor when choosing a life partner and quite a few seemed to say yes- and yet on this thread it seems to be wrong

Some women want to be SAHP and therefore choose a man who could financially support them.

My husband is a high earner, for that reason we have been lucky enough to afford a big family and a certain lifestyle . If my husband were to die, I would struggle to continue my life with a man who earned 21k. I say that as a woman who. has earned six figures in the past and who earns a healthy salary now . If I hadn't built up that lifestyle it would not be an issue, but now it is there I am not naive enough to think that I could live with someone who was a low earner and that it would not be a bumpy transition.

I think it is good to be realistic about what you want from life and choose a partner with that in mind.

Owllady · 25/02/2014 20:11

Aww let her have he soul mate dogs
You load of jealous buggers

Owllady · 25/02/2014 20:12

When I had my first baby my husband earned about 20k and we had our own little terraced house :(

Philoslothy · 25/02/2014 20:13

I think my husband is my soulmate, not in some kind of magical way . We do have a deep connection that I think is quite rare and that I would be lucky to find again.

plutarch14 · 25/02/2014 20:14

I subscribe to the Tim Minchin philosophy of soulmates...

bunnymother · 25/02/2014 20:14

Exactly what Philoslothy said.

Swipe left for the next trending thread