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Original poster

Have met my soul mate does money matter?

172 replies

Shybairns · 25/02/2014 18:10

Am recently divorced with 2 DCs and am lucky enough to have already met an amazing man. We have been a couple for 5 months now and I can't believe the amazing connection we have. I can honestly say we are soul mates. He and I are so well matched.

So what's the issue?

The reason I am writing is that due to many circumstances which were beyond his control (at the age of 43) he is only just starting out in his career.

He got his degree in Computer Programming in 2009 and is employed as a junior programmer.

I have always had plenty of money. My Dad earned well and we had a very comfortable life. My ex h earned a lot and money was not a worry for us at all.

My bf earns only £21,000. He says that he has more money now than he has ever had his whole life. And I am proud of him for getting to this point. However he earns so little that saving is virtually impossible and the treats that I had previously taken for granted are out of his range/

This is all fine. Its a new relationship.

Thing is we are so in love we are already talking of when we'll move in together and how amazing our future will be together.

He says his career is only in its infancy and that he will work hard to climb the ladder and earn more.

Is he deluding himself? Can a man of his age (43) really compete with younger men for jobs?

Will his lack of money one day make me feel negatively about him? I really don't want it too. I hate to think that money issues could ruin what should be a wonderful partnership.

By the way I don't want to be dependent on him financially and I do plan to work hard on my career and support myself and my kids.
Though I am currently not working and trying to start a new career.

Am I being silly? Or do you see trouble ahead? Hard when you don't know me but hopefully I've told you enough...

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 26/02/2014 10:32

I find it very hard to believe some who is 34 would still think you need to be supported by someone else.

I'm betting you have never had a job or only worked for a year or 2 after you finished university.

You would be better learning how to support yourself and dc rather then trying to find another person to do that.

Are you expecting him to support both you and your dc on his salary. If that is the case then I hope he comes to his senses and see that you only see him as cash point.

JeanSeberg · 26/02/2014 10:36

Are you also from "the North" Tony?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/02/2014 10:42

I can't believe how old fashioned your opinion is OP, you're only 2 years older than me.

JeanSeberg · 26/02/2014 11:04

When I got married I never anticipated that one day I would be divorced and expected to provide for myself

There's so many things wrong with that statement I don't know where to start.

I hope you won't be passing on this expectation to your children OP.

Logg1e · 26/02/2014 11:05

In that case George I think my soulmate is a golden retriever called Blondie who died in the 96.

Freedom2014 · 26/02/2014 11:09

There is a very simple solution here. The OP can get a job next week for about £80k per annum, then together with her partners wages they can live a very nice life on about £100k a year. Then she can have her lifestyle AND her soulmate?

normalishdude · 26/02/2014 11:14

Hilarious

lunatuna · 26/02/2014 11:28

I don't often comment, but really astounded by the op's question.

I'm dating a guy who earns a lot more than me, and I'm thinking I don't want to move in with him unless I earn more, as essentially he would have to pay for me and my kids. I have a good degree, work hard, interesting job, but for barely over the minimum wage...so need the tax credits and child benefit money to survive. £21k would be great, that's a living wage!

If you are so worried about his limited earning power, get a job!! Or do him a favour and tell him you require a man with lots of money...

chicaguapa · 26/02/2014 11:42

Tbh if he was your soul mate, you'd live on the streets with him in a dustbin. Or maybe I'm just a soppy romantic. Confused

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2014 11:49

When I was online dating I had 3 criteria:

  1. Make me laugh
  2. Fancy them
  3. Solvent

HOWEVER I said that as someone who has worked every day of their adult life, runs a successful business and has supported myself and kids as a single parent for 6 years.

The reason I said "solvent" (not "loaded") is that I didn't want to jeopardise my financial security with someone who couldn't support themselves and because I wanted to feel like I was an equal in any partnership that evolved.

I think that's a bit different to looking at someone's earnings and deciding if they could support me. It wouldn't even cross my mind that anyone else should support me!!

OP. While I know money is important because we all need it to live, I think you need to readjust your ideas about where it might come from and be less dependent on others and more self reliant. I think that will make for a healthier relationship all round.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 26/02/2014 11:51

This dude is solvent.

He's just not going to be able to support the OP and her family.

Which he probably wouldn't want to do even if he was loaded.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2014 11:54

Join, it wasn't the bloke I was thinking of. I know he's solvent. He would have met criteria 3 with no worries. It was the op I was thinking of. She wouldn't have met criteria 3 at all!! (Or 2 to be fair Grin although her posts have made me laugh so she's got 1 covered!)

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2014 11:55

I was trying to say it's practical to think about money. But it should be for different reasons than "can he afford to support me?"

lunatuna · 26/02/2014 11:58

Actually, thinking about it, this earning a living thing is hard... maybe op has it right after all. If there are any filthy rich bachelors out there who'd like to take in a knackered and demanding single mum and kids, give me a shout. I'm in all day...

happybubblebrain · 26/02/2014 12:15

Aren't soulmates what you believe in when you're 14?

georgesdino · 26/02/2014 12:18

exactly chicaguapa

livingzuid · 26/02/2014 12:28

True, love won't feed the kids or pay the mortgage. You do have to consider practicalities. But he sounds like a decent guy who works hard and is trying his best to improve his prospects and deserves your respect for doing so, not your apparent scorn. Which is ill placed given you haven't gotten off your rear end to work to support your family.

DH btw is my soulmate. It was love at first sight and I always would say that. Confused as to why some people feel the need to be so nasty about those who believe in this Confused I don't see any derogatory comments going in the other direction. People have different beliefs.

Teeb · 26/02/2014 12:37

That line about never having to anticipate providing for yourself when you first got married. Do you think that attitude may have contributed to your divorce?

hermionepotter · 26/02/2014 12:42

teeb there's no proof of that and why is everyone haranguing OP so much. Some people give up careers to be SAHM if they're married to a high earner. Since when is that the subject of so much hatred? Somewhat mysoginistic IMO. OP has been SAHP. You have no idea why she divorced. She intends to retrain. She's in a different financial position from the boyfriend. Yes wording of OP not great but I really feel that the hard time/hatred she's getting is MN at its worst Sad

hermionepotter · 26/02/2014 12:43

Also some people think they are with their soulmate, that's actually a nice thing and good luck to them

livingzuid · 26/02/2014 14:09

hermione this is true. Problem is the post reads as if money makes the man and treats are an integral part of the relationship. If I'm correct, it's a very sad a viewpoint to have and disrespectful to her partner.

Philoslothy · 26/02/2014 16:31

How he makes you feel and how he treats you is SO much more important than what his income is. I would rather DP "only" earned 21k and was happy than earned 50k and was miserable.

I would quite like to be with someone who makes me happy and earns 50K.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/02/2014 17:03

The OPs boyfriend may well scarper upon hearing he is not working hard enough to provide the lifestyle the OP wants.

Little strange though given OP was single in October yet four months later she is already assessing the new boyfriend for his ability to support her (and the children presumably).

Given lack of work experience, i'd be interested in knowing the career that will suddenly appear with the large salary.

I'd like to think this was a wind up but sadly many women on MN admit they chose their partner for his earnings. Makes me quite sad for DS, that he will be viewed as a walking wallet.

BranchingOut · 26/02/2014 18:06

I think that the OP is getting an unreasonably hard time on here.

The phrase soulmate might not be to everyone's taste, but I have seen worse on MN.

She might have substantial marital assets and given up a well-paying job to be a SAHM, yet on this thread she is being referred to as offering nothing.

Oh and is it always as simple as 'go out and get a well-paying job' when you have children? She is already a graduate and has begun re-training.

The 'we live on 20k and have everything we need' gang - well, please share where you live and how you do it?!

expatinscotland · 26/02/2014 18:14

Pretty much, Happy. And rather than get a job right now, sits back on the ex's purse 're-training' (wouldn't want to have to actually WORK in some low-paid job) for years until the next fat wallet comes along.