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Original poster

WWYD Re DH's dodgy behavior?

160 replies

NotHappyWithDH · 22/02/2014 07:39

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this just in case...

Basically I found a random condom in DH's drawer, wrapped up and hidden. I asked him about it and he said he bought a box for us to use a few years ago (when I was having contraception issues) and never told me. There were a few missing as he uses them for 'posh wanks' hmmm

I then asked him if he had anything to tell me etc, I was putting pressure on him and he admitted there was a time a few years ago when he was really attracted to some other people (in a night out situation) but they knew he was married so nothing happened (basically because they wouldn't) Hmm

He did admit that he had a two day flirtation with a girl and it ended up with heavy petting & BJ outside on a night out but nothing more.

He said he sometimes carried a condom, just in case, apparently he wasn't looking for anything to happen but better to be safe if it ever did!

What the heck do I do with this! We did go through a bad patch but things have been great for the last few years and half of me just wants to forget he told me and move on, can I really do that. He didn't do a great job convincing me nothing would ever happen again.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 24/02/2014 11:24

DOES NOT excuse

tribpot · 24/02/2014 11:25

Haven't you just found out about the blow job? Why are you fixating on the condom when he's presented you with the fact of actual infidelity?

superhands · 24/02/2014 11:45

So sorry, OP, how horrible. As other posters have pointed out, he seems to have no respect for you. He 't seem to have any respect for women in general either. BJs round the bacdoesnk of pubs and taking the opportunity to have random shags if presented? Think this is worse than an affair - does he generally treat women like sex objects?

MadBusLady · 24/02/2014 13:00

He felt rejected and wanted closeness so he got a blow job round by the bins? Confused Yeah, that's all about the intimacy, that is. Good grief.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 24/02/2014 13:07

Closeness surely is a hug, a meal, a chat not a sordid blow job where anyone could have seen him?

redshoeblueshoe · 24/02/2014 15:32

Nothappy in your OP you said you went through a bad patch a few years ago - was that due to his infidelity ? I might have this wrong, but it sounds like - he cheats, you forgive him, he behaves for a while, then it all starts again.
Why does he still have the condoms ? Posh wank - what a pile of crap. Do you have low self esteem ? Or strong religious beliefs ? I could not live with a man who I couldn't trust, yet you still call him DH - I'd call him a lying cheat.

ThinkIMmad · 24/02/2014 16:32

OP i think you probilly will end up staying with him and thats your perogitive i just feel so awful for anyone in this situation. I cant imagine if i could ever trust again after this and what is there to stop it happening again it sounds like like a lot of men hes really weak he should of been at home caring for you if you was ill not having random bjs.
Im all for second chances usually but not only did he have a random bj hes been carrying condoms just incase in my book thats 2 seperate incidents, not only thaat id of been hurt that i was while i was poorly aswell. How do you know theres not anything else?

Jan45 · 24/02/2014 17:00

I think this is the worst thread I've read re cheating, he carries condoms, propositions people on nights out (so everyone else knows but you OP) and goes round corners for BJs with random slags, how classy.

Are you really sure you want to be with such a disgusting man???

MillyBlods · 24/02/2014 17:02

NotHappy
Your DH has said he had the condom when you were going through a rough patch years ago but you have only just found the condom so naturally you were distraught by finding it. It is fresh for you even though your DH has said that his incident happened years ago. You have said that it was a rough time and you were not well at that time (but you don't say why you were unwell which is fine). He has told you what happened regarding the blow job and how he had the condom with him in case someone offered him sex. Maybe he was looking for a way out of the relationship at that time and then after the blow job realised that that was not what he wanted. You have said that things have been great since that time period years ago and you have both been happy UNTIL you found the condom, also years old.
I know that for you it was a shock and the details that he has given you of what happened were shocking for you and life changing in the way you now see your relationship.

You have spoken to him now and he appears to have been unfront about it. This may take time for you to digest and I wouldn't make any sudden decisions if I were you. See how things go for the next month or so when you have got over the shock of it all. If you want to still be with him then I think the two of you need to have a good discussion about what led to the "rough patch" in your marriage ( though that doesn't excuse the "blow job") and see if you can both eventually move on from this. You don't have to walk away from your relationship if you don't want to.

Jan45 · 24/02/2014 17:04

I doubt he's telling you everything, bet there's more incidents too. I hate men like this, take their ring off and go about town like jack the lad, grow up.

Doha · 24/02/2014 22:59

OMG l really can't believe you are falling for all his shite.
He is a liar. He will do it again but will just be more careful not to get caught in future

The end

MillyBlods · 24/02/2014 23:56

How do you know that he will do it again Doha.?

WhateverTrevor83 · 25/02/2014 00:03

Get tested.
Don't go anywhere near his willy unless he has one of his trusty condoms.

Better still, kick his sorry arse out on to the street. And one day you'll congratulate yourself on choosing self respect over another 15 years of this sleaze ball.

Seriously, life's too short for this shit.

Your kids will thank you for it when they see they have a brave mum who had the guys to stand up to him and go it alone. And just think, you might after some precious time alone recovering - meet a bloke who loves you and your kids and doesnt get blow jobs off randoms!

Good luck OP. You deserve so much more. So do your bambinos.

redshoeblueshoe · 25/02/2014 00:03

Milly - maybe its because OP said she found the hidden condoms, he took them when he went out 'just in case' . He made it clear he was available - but they wouldn't shag him because they knew he was married - something that he seemed to forget !
How did the talk go ?

WhateverTrevor83 · 25/02/2014 00:03

*guts

anapitt · 25/02/2014 00:16

op you clearly want to forgive and forget so good luck won that.

you won't be the first x

WhateverTrevor83 · 25/02/2014 00:23

Forgive and forget if you must/choose to - but for god sake have safe sex with him.

MillyBlods · 25/02/2014 00:31

Red from reading the thread all this happened years ago. It's only the old packet of condoms she has found in tge drawer the other day that has called his past behavior into the present. Unless of course it is being implied that OH is presently cheating on OP.

redshoeblueshoe · 25/02/2014 14:50

Mily - so you buy the posh wanks bollocks Hmm
Do you think the OP would have started this thread if she actually trusted her H ?
Sorry - he was only sorry that he got caught.

WhateverTrevor83 · 25/02/2014 17:11

It still makes me feel a bit queasy this one. Sorry. But it sounds dodgy as. Have a horrid feeling you'll look back and want to kick yourself later.

Please proceed with caution Hmm

MatryoshkaDoll · 25/02/2014 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thattimeofyearagain · 25/02/2014 18:06

You need to address the real issue, or accept that he WILL flop his dick into some randoms mouth if he feels like it.Your choice.

Papaluigi · 25/02/2014 18:51

I am sorry for you but it sounds like a heap of bullshit he's saying. He'll admit just enough to appear honest and remorseful, hell he might even mean it atm, but unless, somehow HE addresses whatever HIS issues are that drive him into cheating (normally some insecurity, deep rooted self esteem blah blah), in time, he's likely to re-offend. If you are prepared to accept him back, then make sure as shit that you get to a STI place and that he and you do some kind of counselling. Good luck x

ShedWood · 25/02/2014 18:52

You clearly want to stay and I get that, but he has proven himself to be untrustworthy, so why don't you consider still living together as man and wife but getting a divorce?

Tell him he has broken the vows of your marriage, so you can no longer remain married to him, however if he agrees to divorce you and sign the house, car, savings etc over to you and confirm a 50/50 childcare split (or 100% in your favour, whichever you prefer) then you will agree to tell no one what he has done, or that you're divorced and in all senses you will carry on as you were.

There will be one proviso of course, if he so much as looks at another woman in a flirtatious manner you can kick him out. There will be no legal wranglings, you will be secure on your own home and he will walk away with nothing.

If he is so committed to you now and so sure he is never going to be unfaithful again then agreeing to this shouldn't be a problem for him, after all he knows he can trust you, and he just has to show by divorcing you and signing all the family possessions and money over to you that he 100% intends to keep his promise.

Good luck OP, I fear you're going to need it.

haveyourselfashandy · 25/02/2014 19:17

This man has no respect for you and if you plan to stay,get used to that.
Get an sti test,he's admitted to a blow job,that will be the tip of the iceberg.
Stay if you want op its your life but go into this new phase of your life together with open eyes,he's a prick.Brace yourself for the worst then it won't be as bad when it happens.
Good luck