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Original poster

WWYD Re DH's dodgy behavior?

160 replies

NotHappyWithDH · 22/02/2014 07:39

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this just in case...

Basically I found a random condom in DH's drawer, wrapped up and hidden. I asked him about it and he said he bought a box for us to use a few years ago (when I was having contraception issues) and never told me. There were a few missing as he uses them for 'posh wanks' hmmm

I then asked him if he had anything to tell me etc, I was putting pressure on him and he admitted there was a time a few years ago when he was really attracted to some other people (in a night out situation) but they knew he was married so nothing happened (basically because they wouldn't) Hmm

He did admit that he had a two day flirtation with a girl and it ended up with heavy petting & BJ outside on a night out but nothing more.

He said he sometimes carried a condom, just in case, apparently he wasn't looking for anything to happen but better to be safe if it ever did!

What the heck do I do with this! We did go through a bad patch but things have been great for the last few years and half of me just wants to forget he told me and move on, can I really do that. He didn't do a great job convincing me nothing would ever happen again.

OP posts:
chateauferret · 22/02/2014 09:32

What would have happened if plod had wandered around the corner whilst he was performing an indecent act in a public place?

He'd have been arrested, done for a sexual offence, locked up, put on the sex offenders' register and probably sacked from his job. And you'd have had social workers bouncing round you like jackrabbits if you had any DC.

And he carries condoms everywhere he goes "in case" his dongle happens accidentally to fall into the crotch of some random passer-by.

An object lesson in understanding the bollocks excuse that "posh wanks" are.

If I did 1% of what this pond scum had got up to I'd be out on my arse.

He should not so much as bounce on his way over the threshold. What a ... well, words fail me.

Back2Two · 22/02/2014 09:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Kandypane · 22/02/2014 09:41

Gobsmacked. What a disgusting human being he is. You're better off without him mate.

X

Jemma1111 · 22/02/2014 09:55

I agree that he's not a good dad because if he was he wouldn't be treating the mother of his children like an unworthy human being.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2014 10:07

He gets what he wants out of this so is more than happy to have you still around. He then gets the best of both worlds.

What do you get from this relationship now, what needs of yours are being met here?.

You love him but he does not love you enough to not treat you with such disdain. A decent man would not ever treat you in the ways he has done.

You have had 15 years together granted but he has thrown it all away by his actions. He made a conscious choice to do as he did as well.

Stop lying to yourself re him being a so called great dad. No he is not and has never been a great dad if he has and continues to treat you with such contempt. Also women in these types of dysfunctional situations often write such guff because they themselves can think of NOTHING positive to write about their man. As is the case again here.

Separate from this person now and be happier in the long run for it.

MillyBlods · 22/02/2014 10:29

He could be having an affair and what he told you is not the whole truth.Sad

ThePinkOcelot · 22/02/2014 10:43

Another absolutely gobsmacked poster here!

I am sorry Nothappy, but I think this is the tip of the iceberg! He has admitted to carrying condoms just in case?! WTF?! He is telling you what he is and what he is going to do. What you choose to do with that information is up to you.

Don't be a door at. Kick him to the kerb. Disgusting man!!

Fairenuff · 22/02/2014 10:53

I agree with everyone else. What he has admitted to is already bad enough. He has cheated on you and thinks this is ok.

There is probably a lot more that he is not telling you. What do you want to do?

Lweji · 22/02/2014 11:04

He can still be a good dad separately from you and if he really would be so sad by not being with the children every day, then he should have thought about it before cheating.
But he thought, and still thinks, that he could have his cake and eat it.

FancySpaceGloves · 22/02/2014 11:24

Carrying condoms "just in case". I actually choked on my coffee. DH made this face Shock.

I made the same face about your calm conversation about it. "it was calmly when we were really trying to be honest and work out how to be better together". WTAF?

What was said in this "calm" conversation? Presumably he wants you to STFU and accept that he can do whatever the fuck he likes.

I'd have been screaming "lying cheating twatbadger scumbag" repeatedly as I threw his belongings out of the window. And I'm normally an incredibly calm person.

Cabrinha · 22/02/2014 11:49

You only think he might do it again?

HE IS CARRYING CONDOMS!!!

So he knows he'll do it again.

In some ways you're quite "lucky". Some guys would lie that they're sorry and lie that they'd never do it again.

He hadn't said sorry.
He has said he'll carry on taking his condoms with him.

At least you don't have to go through the "can I trust him?" shit. Cos he's already told you that you can't.

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2014 11:54

God almighty, OP, this is terrible. He sounds a right creep, out there with his condoms trying it on with women.

What are the practicalities? What would your life be like if he did leave? Do you work? How old are your children?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/02/2014 12:16

So the only reason he didn't was because they knew he was married.

So a complete stranger has more respect for your marriage that your dh has?

And he carries condoms just in case something happens?!?

Two options here - either you kick him out now or you wait for him to meet someone younger and freer who doesn't particularly respect your marriage and he leaves you for her.

Missesbumble · 22/02/2014 12:33

OMG! I thought I had issues worrying about DH and his dodgy phone web access. But in this situation he'd be out on his arse, absolutely no doubt about it. If I ever found DH with a condom that would be the end of it, no question but a bj off someone, I'm sorry, but I just couldn't excuse that I'd want to cause him physical injury so he would have to go. End of!

LSP1985 · 22/02/2014 12:36

My Dad cheated on my mum when we were young and I remember it very clearly. They argued for a long time but my dad was always so sorry for what he did.

They sought counselling and my dad worked very hard to regain my mothers trust. They are still together 20years after his affairs. They have had a tough ride but they made it work.

However it does sound as though your DH is not sorry for his actions and almost thinks this behaviour is normal. Try not to make any rash decisions and you must go with what you want to do. It is very easy for people to say leave him but much more difficult for you to do.

Maybe it is worth you speaking to a counsellor on your own to help you understand how you feel. I can't even imagine what you are going through. You must feel so torn. I really hope you manage to come to a conclusion that you can live with. X

Quitelikely · 22/02/2014 12:40

I would ask him if you can make the cheating equal so that your on an even footing? Not ideal but I do sense that you want to stay. I would just pretend that I had to see how he likes it.

FolkGirl · 22/02/2014 13:08

LSP You're right, it is easy for us to say leave him. But I would never say it if it weren't for the fact that it's what I did in similar circumstances.

I know you're parents worked hard to get through it, but I always think that no woman would really want to do this if she thought she had a viable alternative.

I can't believe any one would actually want to stay with someone who showed that little regard or respect for them. That's not what a marriage is about in my eyes.

MillyBlods · 22/02/2014 13:17

Lots of men and women get through affairs and go on to have far better marriages than before. More grown up and respectful if anything and not because they have no choice but because not all affairs are equal and good people make mistakes.

EllaFitzgerald · 22/02/2014 13:21

As was said earlier, he really isn't a great dad at all. A great dad certainly wouldn't treat the mother of his children the way he's treating you. Nor would he risk throwing away his marriage and hurting his children just for the chance of casual sex.

Essentially, he's told you that he has absolutely no intention of ever being faithful to you, but not to worry about it because he'll always use condoms. I know that I wouldn't be able to continue in the marriage. He's just thrown away your trust and your lives as you knew them, and he doesn't even seem to understand what he's done.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 22/02/2014 13:27

From a practical side, if I were you I would get tested for STI's. I remember being quite surprised at one of those GUM clinic documentaries when a person had a swab test in the throat as they were infected due to oral sex.

I'd be making him go for tests too, if you are even considering staying with him. Old out of date condoms (if they are) not good.

But staying with him will put so much pressure on you to "perform" won't it? If he even hints that your sex life isn't up to par with his expectations your first thought will be to that "get out of jail" condom he carries just in case he can get satisfaction elsewhere.

Which means you will end up going through the motions to try and keep him happy, and end up a paranoid wreck checking the condom in his wallet (is it the same one? A new one?)

What a nightmare scenario for you, op. I'm so sorry.

I know how I would achieve peace of mind.

ThePost · 22/02/2014 13:30

Hi is ready and prepared to have sex outside of your marriage. If that's something you can live with, stay. If not, kick him in the testicles out.

Floggingmolly · 22/02/2014 13:35

He's told you, with complete upfront brazenness, that he carries a condom just in case.
He's not even trying to hide the fact that if it's ever casually offered to him, he'll be in there. But, it's ok, because he's willing to use a condom to keep you safe...
There is no way back from that, is there? You can't stay with someone with so little respect for you Sad

Sneezecakesmum · 22/02/2014 13:58

If this was an episode from many years ago when things were going through a bad patch then I would try to work things out, but as he is currently carrying a condom 'just in case' Shock then he still thinks this behaviour is ok.

He has been unfaithful within your marriage and almost got away with it. The fact he as careless enough to leave 'old' condoms for you to find means he is either up to this behaviour more than he has admitted (and most cheaters only own up to what's been found out) or he is so arrogant he thinks he can talk his way out of it and devalues you by not even caring if you know Sad

Pigsmummy · 22/02/2014 14:06

The only way I would consider staying is if he agreed to counselling. Without this it would drive me insane. Even if he stops carrying condoms that doesn't mean that the temptation has gone away.

frogslegs35 · 22/02/2014 17:37

Just the fact he's carrying condoms on a 'just in case' basis would be enough for me to get rid. That's without the 'only a bj' crap.
He has no respect for you, you know that.
He will eventually destroy you completely, you'll end up with no self esteem nor respect for yourself. When it comes you'll have been conditioned enough by him to sit back and accept - do you really want that?
As for being a good father - he's not. A good father wouldn't treat their childs mother this way.

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