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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD Re DH's dodgy behavior?

160 replies

NotHappyWithDH · 22/02/2014 07:39

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this just in case...

Basically I found a random condom in DH's drawer, wrapped up and hidden. I asked him about it and he said he bought a box for us to use a few years ago (when I was having contraception issues) and never told me. There were a few missing as he uses them for 'posh wanks' hmmm

I then asked him if he had anything to tell me etc, I was putting pressure on him and he admitted there was a time a few years ago when he was really attracted to some other people (in a night out situation) but they knew he was married so nothing happened (basically because they wouldn't) Hmm

He did admit that he had a two day flirtation with a girl and it ended up with heavy petting & BJ outside on a night out but nothing more.

He said he sometimes carried a condom, just in case, apparently he wasn't looking for anything to happen but better to be safe if it ever did!

What the heck do I do with this! We did go through a bad patch but things have been great for the last few years and half of me just wants to forget he told me and move on, can I really do that. He didn't do a great job convincing me nothing would ever happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotHappyWithDH · 22/02/2014 08:16

I know...

He said he would never leave me but he never actually said sorry...

I know if I stay I could never trust him again. I have some thinking to do.

That you all so much for your replies, it does really help.

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/02/2014 08:19

Look, he doesn't want to leave you because it's a cosy life for him. Sex on tap, presumably, a woman to take care of his children and the house, his clothes (?), make his food (?). Is he even taking you out or is he always going by himself?

What do you get? A cheating partner. And the possibility of an STI, as condoms don't protect from it all.

NoSquirrels · 22/02/2014 08:19

You are not throwing away 15 years. You will still have 3 children together.

But you will be freeing yourself from an unrepentant, sexually promiscuous, disrespectful LIAR and cheat. And freeing yourself from years more of misery. How could counselling and relationship therapy help someone so entitled to think he'd better carry a condom just in case he can't say no to cheating on his partner?

FolkGirl · 22/02/2014 08:21

Of course he would never leave you!

He has all the trappings of marriage and family life.

I don't even know how/why you have to think about this. It was an open and shut case as far as I was concerned with my exH.

He also said he'd never have left me. Like I should have been grateful for that!!! Fucking deluded piece of shit.

God I'm almost angrier about your husband than I was about my own - at least my ex had the decency to cry and beg for forgiveness. Not that it made any difference...

Oh and we'd been together for 13 years. And 2 children. You would be fine.

FolkGirl · 22/02/2014 08:22

Oh and you'd be free to eventually meet someone else who wouldn't engage in grubby little sex acts and disgusting behaviour with strangers behind your back. Someone who would love, cherish and respect you. Which are things this man clearly doesn't.

hercules1 · 22/02/2014 08:23

Sorry op but I would suggest the first thing you do is get yourself tested and him for any STIs.

EauRouge · 22/02/2014 08:27

I'm really sorry this has happened. Have you told anyone IRL yet? Have you got someone who can give you some support?

TeaOneSugar · 22/02/2014 08:27

I don't usually comment on these threads, but this guy would have been out the door without his feet touching the ground.

He's not even sorry FFS.

What he's admitted to is the tip of the iceberg IMO.

Thattimeofyearagain · 22/02/2014 08:30

LTB, he is a cunt of the highest order.
Tell him to go so you have time and space to think.

whattoWHO · 22/02/2014 08:31

"He never actually said sorry."

Of course he'll never leave you. He knows he's got the best of both worlds.

If you stay together, do you think you'll ever feel able to trust him? Will you always check up on him? Will you worry for your own sexual health?

Jemma1111 · 22/02/2014 08:44

Your arsehole of a husband is openly showing you that he doesn't love you and his respect for you is ZERO.

Who the fuck does he think he is? , the best thing you could do is SERIOUSLY listen to the posters on this thread and kick the lying, cheating bastard to the kerb.

You deserve someone who has some decency.

Btw, I wouldn't be surprised if the 'bj' outside was performed by a prostitute.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 22/02/2014 08:52

Fucking hell, he needs to go, he doesn't love or respect you, how can you even look at him without having that image in your head of some random sucking his dick? I don't know how you can cope with that.

If that was my DH id be physically throwing him out the fucking door.

I am so angry on your behalf, you need to get angry too.

Coconutty · 22/02/2014 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaOneSugar · 22/02/2014 08:58

He's basically saying he carries condoms so he's prepared should he manage to find someone prepared to sleep with him.

He's actively looking for opportunities to cheat.

AntoinetteCosway · 22/02/2014 09:01

I would be utterly furious in your shoes. I could never stay with someone who behaved like that.

WeAreDetective · 22/02/2014 09:07

All of the above. Particularly the bit where someone pointed out that he has only admitted to the minimum he needs to. There will be more.

So sorry.

MrsPMT · 22/02/2014 09:07

NotHappy try to think about how he would react if it was the other way round, would he be ok with you doing these things? Carrying condoms 'just in case' and oral with a 'random' guy?

Sorry.

somedizzywhore1804 · 22/02/2014 09:10

A blowjob is not an "only situation". A kiss is and I'd still be mightily pissed off about that, but as far as I'm concerned a blowjob is as much infidelity as PinV sex.

ThinkFirst · 22/02/2014 09:12

He's a lying cheating bastard. You wouldn't be throwing anything away, he is doing that all by himself!

He's been unfaithful, has shown no remorse, and has no intention of ever being faithful. Would you advise your daughter/sister/friend to put up with that? I doubt it very much so why are you even considering it?

"Just" a BJ? Chances are he's done more than that, many times over the years. Get yourself tested he ciuld have picked up anything and passed it on to you.

FolkGirl · 22/02/2014 09:14

He said he would never leave me but he never actually said sorry...

He's not saying he wouldn't leave you because he loves you really.

Where would he go?
Would he be able to find somewhere decent to live on his own and afford to pay you maintenance?
Other people are going to find out what he did if you kick him out. He'd find that utterly humiliating and he's worried what people will think about him.
When would he see the children?
What if you met someone else and introduced him to the children at some point?
How would he look after himself realisitically on a daily basis?

These are all the thoughts that will be going through his head. They were the thoughts going through my dad's head when he had an affair; they were the thoughts going through my exH's head when he had an affair...

In fact, I have a very close friend whose dad had multiple affairs all through his childhood. His dad was much older than his trophy wife mum and she was completely reliant on him. She couldn't kick him out, she just had to tolerate it. This friend now has quite an unhealthy attitude to relationships - he's never been married, he has no children, he thinks that monogamy is an unattainable ideal and that infidelity is pretty much inevitable. Which is why he will never marry or have children.

FolkGirl · 22/02/2014 09:15

some I actually think a BJ is more intimate than PiV.

Original poster
NotHappyWithDH · 22/02/2014 09:23

Sadly I think that is why he'd never leave, he is a great dad and would miss the children terribly. The logistics of separation would be a nightmare but I really can't see any option. I think this will eat me up inside if I stay.

If I could guarantee it was a one off a few years ago and would never happen again I would be tempted to work it out, I do love him. However I do suspect you're all right and there either is more or there will be Hmm

OP posts:
iamonthepursuitofhappiness · 22/02/2014 09:24

This would be a deal breaker for me. The way he is conducting himself is completely disrespectful to you and your relationship. Not only has he engaged in sexual activity with another person, he freely admits he is prepared for these eventualities, he is lying to you and thinks you are fool enough to believe him.

Get rid! You are worth so much more than the nothingness he obviously feels for you.

Greenrememberedhills · 22/02/2014 09:25

I agree there is more or there will be- get rid.

LizzieVereker · 22/02/2014 09:32

He's not a great Dad, though, is he? He's been unfaithful to you, the life you've made, and to my mind your children. Was he thinking how fantastic his children are when he was getting his BJ? No.

Because that's what he could have done, he could have just had a little flirt, thought "nah", and bought the woman a drink and showed her pictures of his kids. But he chose to pretend that they and you don't exist.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you Thanks