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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD Re DH's dodgy behavior?

160 replies

NotHappyWithDH · 22/02/2014 07:39

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this just in case...

Basically I found a random condom in DH's drawer, wrapped up and hidden. I asked him about it and he said he bought a box for us to use a few years ago (when I was having contraception issues) and never told me. There were a few missing as he uses them for 'posh wanks' hmmm

I then asked him if he had anything to tell me etc, I was putting pressure on him and he admitted there was a time a few years ago when he was really attracted to some other people (in a night out situation) but they knew he was married so nothing happened (basically because they wouldn't) Hmm

He did admit that he had a two day flirtation with a girl and it ended up with heavy petting & BJ outside on a night out but nothing more.

He said he sometimes carried a condom, just in case, apparently he wasn't looking for anything to happen but better to be safe if it ever did!

What the heck do I do with this! We did go through a bad patch but things have been great for the last few years and half of me just wants to forget he told me and move on, can I really do that. He didn't do a great job convincing me nothing would ever happen again.

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 23/02/2014 08:50

*I gave him another chance.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/02/2014 08:56

I really hope you can find all the strength you need to believe you are worth more. HE did the throwing away, not you.

cjel · 23/02/2014 09:19

Morning OP. I hope you managed to say what you wanted to last night. How are you?

sillymillyb · 23/02/2014 10:35

I have been thinking of you op. I wanted you to know that I think it must be hard hearing everyone in such overwhelming chorus of ltb, when it is your life and your family. For the record, I too think you deserve more - as do your children - but I wanted you to know that even if you decide to stay, we will all still be here to support you. Don't feel you can't come back. I hope last night when as well as it could of, I'm sending love and strength Thanks

redshoeblueshoe · 23/02/2014 11:20

NotHappy your H seems to have a very strange view of marriage. A bj, carrying condoms 'just in case' - and no apology.
Seriously - you cannot think that this is acceptable. Sadly he knows he can do whatever he wants, as you are worried that he might leave - he's not even ashamed. A good dad does not behave like that - and if you continue to accept it your dc's will think that it is acceptable behaviour. And so the cycle continues.
If this was your BF telling you this - what would you say to her ?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 23/02/2014 11:26

Hope you're ok this morning op. Thanks

50shadesofknackered · 23/02/2014 12:20

I''ve just read this thread op, what an arrogant arsehole of a man. I hope you are ok this morning Thanks

Original poster
NotHappyWithDH · 24/02/2014 09:08

Thanks so much for all the messages.

I did talk with DH & he was adamant that he no longer carries condoms, it was only for about a six month period a few years ago. He admitted that if he'd been in the 'right' situation at that time he would have used them :(

We did go through a really rough patch, I had some health issues and was really at a low ebb and I will admit I did push him away then and things were really strained. He says he felt so rejected by me and just wanted the closeness which I can empathise with, things were so bad. I think our communication had been terrible!

He had said he deeply regrets it and that if I think we should separate he would respect that but it's not what he wants.

I'm so torn, they say actions speak louder than words and we have been fab since, he is really thoughtful, loving and he has always given me free access to his phone, FB etc.

I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face to 'punish' him but at the same time I'm still not sure how or if we can get any trust back. I still hate what he did.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 24/02/2014 09:21

But you found the condom recently? How has the entire episode suddenly moved back by a "few years"? Confused

cjel · 24/02/2014 09:21

Its all so hard isn't it? YOU were ill and struggling so HE decided to go outside your marriage< doesn't make it any better that it was ages ago does it. On the other hand if it really was a one off and you could guarantee its not his default position you could perhaps move forward. I think you need to do a lot more work around it all and suggest you get counselling support. Trouble is, just because he has now said all those things doesn't mean they are true does it?xx

Original poster
NotHappyWithDH · 24/02/2014 09:41

Going by the date on the condom it does make it a few years old. I don't go through his stuff normally (was having a clear out of my drawers and DS got carried away and did his too) so it could have been there all along or moved from wallet etc. I don't know....

He says it would never happen again but I'll never know for sure.

OP posts:
livingzuid · 24/02/2014 09:58

I can't stand it when partners use an illness go justify their shocking behaviour and then turn it around to make it somehow your fault.

It doesn't matter if you 'pushed him away' or you were not well. Instead of being around to support you he got his end away with another woman and actively was hopeful of having casual sex with another woman by carrying around a condom 'just in case'.

Life is full of ups and downs and we go through periods of illness when we need support, love, understanding and patience. It's what marriage is about fgs taking the good with the bad and working through it together.

If you get unwell again or heaven forbid something happens with dcs, is his reaction going to be to shag another woman to 'deal with it' or to actually give you and your dcs the support you/they deserve and need? I somehow doubt it's the latter.

You deserve so much more than this poor excuse of a man. Can I ask if you were happy with the relationship before this point and did he treat you well?

WhateverTrevor83 · 24/02/2014 10:01

Dump him FFS

JoinYourPlayfellows · 24/02/2014 10:03

Well if you know you will never, ever get sick again or go through any other difficult or challenging time in your marriage, then you can forget all about it.

If not, then you know that he will be off fucking people behind your back and he doesn't see anything wrong with that as a response.

Just make sure to behave well and never cause him a second's trouble and everything will be find.

His love and fidelity is conditional on you not being too much trouble.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 24/02/2014 10:04

In sickness and in health.... Sad

brighteyedbusytailed · 24/02/2014 10:13

He said he sometimes carried a condom, just in case, apparently he wasn't looking for anything to happen but better to be safe if it ever did!

Wut????? Shock not to be callous sounds like an amusing soundbite off Jeremy Kyle, get rid!

I very much doubt it was 'just a bj either'

JoinYourPlayfellows · 24/02/2014 10:28

I find the fact that he thinks having sex with another woman counts as only a minor indiscretion if she performs oral sex on him.

It's so icky - oh, I just used her mouth to give me an orgasm. I didn't use her WHOLE body for my sexual release.

Boak.

brighteyedbusytailed · 24/02/2014 10:35

just read whole thread, i get the impression you or he will be staying then?

Original poster
NotHappyWithDH · 24/02/2014 10:44

Right now I don't know...

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 24/02/2014 10:46

He sounds a horrible person.

AnyFuckerHQ · 24/02/2014 10:48

dear God

lazarusb · 24/02/2014 11:11

Op, you are clearly very mixed up and maybe have been for a while.

I just wanted to say that nearly 3 years ago I unexpectedly and suddenly developed a serious condition, potentially life changing. I could barely walk, let alone stand to cook or clean. I couldn't dress myself or get in and out of the shower without help. The last thing I wanted was sex and even cuddling was out of the question for some time. My dh stepped up. He did everything (still does, even though I'm much better now). He went out of his way to make things work around me and for us as a family. If he had behaved the same way your h has, we would not be together now. Your illness is not his excuse - his lack of character, love and faith is what caused him to cheat, not you.

If you want to stay then that's up to you. But I have a feeling you'll be watching your back from now on in. And praying you never become ill again.

brighteyedbusytailed · 24/02/2014 11:16

I think tip of the Iceberg is the operative phrase here op,

I mean like I said re; the condom comment , its jeremy kyle fodder , who says that?

I think if you let this blow over it will become more of a pitiful farce than it already is.

MatryoshkaDoll · 24/02/2014 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 24/02/2014 11:23

Okay, time to be honest to yourself. You are most likely going to stay with him so you need to tell him the consequences. There has to be otherwise he will do it again. If you want to bury your head in the sand then be prepared for feeling insecure a lot of the time, wondering where he is when he is late home from work, wondering what he is doing when he is out drinking with his mates. Never believing again that he 100% is faithful and doubting his actual love for you.

That is the reality if you stay.

You being ill and not wanting sex excuses anything he has done. He ignored his vows well and truly Angry.

You deserve so much better.