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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD Re DH's dodgy behavior?

160 replies

NotHappyWithDH · 22/02/2014 07:39

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this just in case...

Basically I found a random condom in DH's drawer, wrapped up and hidden. I asked him about it and he said he bought a box for us to use a few years ago (when I was having contraception issues) and never told me. There were a few missing as he uses them for 'posh wanks' hmmm

I then asked him if he had anything to tell me etc, I was putting pressure on him and he admitted there was a time a few years ago when he was really attracted to some other people (in a night out situation) but they knew he was married so nothing happened (basically because they wouldn't) Hmm

He did admit that he had a two day flirtation with a girl and it ended up with heavy petting & BJ outside on a night out but nothing more.

He said he sometimes carried a condom, just in case, apparently he wasn't looking for anything to happen but better to be safe if it ever did!

What the heck do I do with this! We did go through a bad patch but things have been great for the last few years and half of me just wants to forget he told me and move on, can I really do that. He didn't do a great job convincing me nothing would ever happen again.

OP posts:
doubleshotespresso · 22/02/2014 17:51

OP your first post is heartbreaking, but I don't think what anybody else would do in this case matters.

The question you really want answering is "What reason has he given you to stay?"

Do you really see yourself being happy over the next few years when he has provided you with zero reassurance? I really hope you find the best option for you and your family, but if you stay I think you need to throw down some serious rules and stick to them.

Best of luck. X

BitOutOfPractice · 22/02/2014 17:56

I'm wondering how skewif his morla compass is within the marriage if a BJ and heavy petting is a "just" matter. I bet he wouldn't be so casula abu it if it were you giving the blow job and then brushing it off like this as something and nothing.

Twinklestein · 22/02/2014 18:01

Just in case I end up having sex with someone other than my spouse...

Original poster
NotHappyWithDH · 22/02/2014 18:57

Thanks everyone, I do appreciate all the comments. I am planning to talk to him tonight, when he finishes work, and let him know I can't live with this.

I don't even want to think about what he will say, he might still not be sorry & I think that will just break my heart.

OP posts:
WeAreDetective · 22/02/2014 19:22

Good luck xx

SadFreak · 22/02/2014 19:31

I hate to be so forceful and blunt but just end it now.

The similarities between your DH and mine are uncanny.

I first discovered something similar in 2007 about my lovely apparently devoted husband. I didnt leave and chose to try again with him especially for the sake of our lovely children (he is and was back then superdad) who were 6 and 8 back then.

We tried hard and briefly it was good. Really good. Then the dust settled and here I am at the start of 2014 realising that I have not been a paranoid nutcase. All the times I have wondered if maybe just maybe that odd random thing that didnt quite add up and we had argued about and he looked into my eyes, reassured me etc etc - it was not me being a paranoid nut job. No he has been upto his old tricks for pretty much all of the past 6/7 years.

I have wasted these years trying to make a relationship work, learning to trust someone again who does not deserve to be trusted.

I am still plucking up the courage to end my marriage. I have known for 5 weeks now. I will be going because the alternative of staying is just too shit but I am trying to get my head around the fact he is not who I thought and my marriage is also not what I thought. I am struggling with that as I am the fear of upsetting my lovely children now 13 and 15 - one midway through GCSE. he wants to try and try again. I just wish he would end it and save me the pain of doing it tbh.

To be frank what I am saying is that I wish I had the balls to up and leave in 2007/8.

Think long and hard about what it is you are actually setting yourself up for if you decide to stay.

Hugs - because I know its not mumsnetty but I know just HOW hard it is to face up to the reality of a shit situation like this and the guts it takes to end it.

mammadiggingdeep · 22/02/2014 19:34

Dodgy behaviour?! It's cheating.

Ltb...

tribpot · 22/02/2014 20:41

It sounds like you've convinced yourself the best you can hope for is for him to say sorry. It isn't. Him saying sorry is the absolute minimum you can expect from someone serious about salvaging their marriage. The absolute minimum from someone who cares about you.

MillyBlods · 22/02/2014 21:02

Hope it goes well and that you get want you want from it.

frogslegs35 · 22/02/2014 21:43

Read and re read Sadfreaks post Op.

FreeLikeABird · 22/02/2014 21:52

Blimey I would not stay in a relationship with this man, my very first LTB, I hope your chat goes as well as it can in a situation like this op x

Sparrowlegs248 · 22/02/2014 22:00

Wow. Just a blow job. Can YOU imagine giving some other man 'just' a blow job???

Ffs. I'd be livid. Devastated too but bloody livid. And he carries a condom just in case? I'd be kicking him out. There is no way i could get past that sort of shitty behaviour.

eeetheygrowupsofast · 22/02/2014 22:12

SadFreak - hope you are ok. You will be fine in the end you know - your h has let you and your dc down and is not worth your tears x

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 22/02/2014 22:19

He should be ashamed of himself expecting you to believe the condom was just used for a 'posh wank' seriously? He thinks you came down with the last shower of rain! It will be worse. Far worse. He has minimised completely and only told you the teeny tiny bit he feels he can get away with. I am sorry you are having this in your life Nothappy. I would have booted him out starting the moment all this left his lips. What a bastard!

Fairenuff · 22/02/2014 22:34

How did the talk go OP?

Original poster
NotHappyWithDH · 22/02/2014 22:40

He's not back yet, he doesn't finish til 12:30, he knows it's coming, I told him I wanted to talk more tonight, I don't care how late it is.

I'm busy reading and rereading all of the messages on this thread to try to bolster my confidence.

It's just a massive step, saying that's it, enough, I'm done. I keep thinking about how much I love him, part of me just wants to forgive and forget especially as the last few years have been so good. But I don't think I can.

OP posts:
ThinkIMmad · 22/02/2014 22:48

OMG im sorry but this is just horrible id be deeply upset if my dh did any of this, you sound very calm about it dont know if thats a good or bad thing.
I hate to get involved in peoples relationships but i think you need to kick him to the kerb hes going out with condoms "just in case" thats really bad IMO

NightCircus · 22/02/2014 22:49

Unfortunately it just isn't possible to forget.
I wouldn't forgive either.
You could forgive and forget as a ruse to give you time to work out your options as a separated couple and seek legal advice and counselling for yourself.
You only get one life.... Yours will hopefully be much much longer than the 15 years you've invested.
You could have 30 years with a better man.

ThinkIMmad · 22/02/2014 22:50

NotHappyWithDH - Good luck tonight. You have nothing to worry about he is in the wrong you need to stick up for yourself and show him you arent going to put up with this x

clam · 22/02/2014 23:48

I'm sorry to say this, but I wouldn't even have your dh in my circle of friends, let alone stay married to him. Anyone who thinks it's OK to get a blowjob off someone round the back of a pub wouldn't even make it onto my Christmas card list in fact.

Fairenuff · 22/02/2014 23:51

The problem with 'forgive and forget' is that you send the message to him that it's ok for him to chat up other women. It's ok for him to kiss and fondle other women. It's ok for him to have oral sex with other women.

It's ok for him to have one night stands with other women, as long as they 'don't mean anything' to him. It's ok for him to sleep around as long as you don't find out about it. It's ok for him to treat you like a second class citizen, as long as he comes home to you each night.

Where are you boundaries OP?

How far is too far? What, exactly, are you prepared to accept?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2014 00:15

I think what you have to remember is that not only has he cheated on you in the past, because ANY sexual activity by a married person with anyone other than their spouse is cheating, he is also fully prepared mentally AND physically to cheat on you in the future, because he carries a condom 'just in case' it happens again. Who controls IF it happens, he does. So if he didn't intend for it to happen again, he wouldn't need the condom!

Naturally he 'wouldn't ever leave you'. Why should he? Sounds like he believes he's entitled to have his cake and eat it too.

I'm sure he believes he loves you. He apparently just doesn't understand what love really means.

As far as your future together, you have to decide if you can ever trust him again. If not, then end the marriage. There is no happiness without trust. If you feel you could learn to trust him again, then counseling is in order. You will need to learn how to trust, he will need to learn what fidelity in marriage means and whether or not he can live up to what it meant when he said 'I will' to 'keep thee only unto her' in your marriage vows.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 23/02/2014 01:14

You would know condom is a few years old by the use by date on it. Obviously you can't tell for sure but if it were a few years old the date would be quite soonish and if it's quite new date would still be a few years.

What is the shelf life of Durex condoms?
Durex condoms generally have a shelf life of five years. The expiry date is shown on both the outer cardboard carton and on every individual condom foil.

^^copied from durex website

I only know this as it's how I caught out ex! (Years ago now)

He said he'd had it from year a but date put it as new purchase

Iv not read whole thread yet so this may be of any use

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 23/02/2014 07:05

Holy shit OP, I'm so sorry. I hope your talk went ok.
It's unbelievable that he thinks it's ok to carry a condom just in case something happens. Cheating on your wife is not something that happens to you, it's something you choose to do. That is what he is choosing and he is very fucking arrogant to think you'll say "ok cool, well at least you're being safe!" What a cunt.
He is not a good dad. He didn't just do this to you, he did it to your kids as well. A blow job with a random person and shading a stranger is more important to him than you. He is not a good husband and he is not a good person.

You know you have to make him leave and you're being really strong. So what's your next step?

Jemma1111 · 23/02/2014 08:48

Op I really hope you managed to find the strength to tell him to pack his bags and fuck off.

Even if you managed to talk with him and he 'broke down in tears' saying how he realises he's messed up etc efc and he won't do it again etc etc , that he loves you and only you etc etc , don't be fooled.

Cheaters often give an 'oscar winning' performance when they feel they're partner has had enough and wants out of the relationship.

One of my ex s acted like this , he literally hung onto my legs sobbing and begging me not to leave him , after I found he'd cheated on me, and swore that he'd never do anything like that again . He was so convincing, as they all are, that like a twat I gave him another

I eventually did leave when six months later he was shagging someone else again. We also had dcs together but that didn't bother him.

Op, you deserve a man who loves and respects you, give yourself the chance to find that man by setting yourself free from this waste of space.