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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had an affair

97 replies

Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 08:33

I am bipolar and borderline and I had a affair. This has now ended dh doesn't know I feel so shit feel like killing myself. I deserve everything this board has to throw at me. Every day I read about people who have found their partners cheating and it reminds me of how much hurt and confusion I have caused. I also shut dh out and accused him of being controlling I played mind games to the point where he wonders if he has been controlling.

I feel so down now and now the high is gone I'm stuck having to feel the guilt for what I've done. I've debated about telling dh but he says when I try to bring it up that he just wants to forget about it all. So I wonder am I being selfish in wanting to tell him or not.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 08:35

Just to clarify, when you say 'DH doesn't know' do you mean he doesn't know the affair has ended or he doesn't know about the affair?

Original poster
Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 08:36

He doesn't know about the affiair.

OP posts:
DarlingGrace · 21/02/2014 08:38

I wouldn't tell him. Shit happens, you can't undo it, learn from it and move on.

Original poster
Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 08:43

Dh is such a good kind man he deserves better than me. I know he knew I was mentally ill when he went out with me and he knew about the things I sometimes do but he has been there for me so much I just know he deserves better than someone who is currently too unwell to care for her children sleeps around and who he lives in fear of coming home to find dead. He deserves better than I can give him.

OP posts:
RudyMentary · 21/02/2014 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 21/02/2014 08:45

I think I've seen your other threads, you don't need condemnation, you need help. Can you speak to your GP or another health professional about how you are feeling?

Offred · 21/02/2014 08:46

It isn't quite the same is it if you were/are mentally unwell?

Are you getting treatment/support?

akawisey · 21/02/2014 08:46

Can you ask to see your CMHN to talk it over with them? It might help to vent some of your guilty feelings with someone who knows how the illness affects you.

DarlingGrace · 21/02/2014 08:47

Confessing only shares the misery.

I'm the eternal pragmatist. no point in making two people miserable and splitting up a family over it. Learn from it and move on.

The little I know about bipolar is that it can make some people , shall we say, sexual risk takers, some might call it promiscuous? I know my friend has that side to her personality but she is fairly well controlled with medication. Do you think your GP would be able to help?

Original poster
Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 08:47

I have tried telling them but while they are doing all they can I'm still struggling I also started taking drugs on this episode.

OP posts:
Offred · 21/02/2014 08:48

I'm sure you'll know that promiscuity and risk taking are features of a manic episode and that suicidal feelings are a feature of borderline pd.

You can get treatment and support to help you live a healthier life and understand your feelings/behaviour.

My ex has been so much better since he got diagnosed and had treatment for bpd.

akawisey · 21/02/2014 08:49

Well you don't need anyone telling you how risky that is OP. This is something you will have to find a way through with professional help I think.

Offred · 21/02/2014 08:49

How long is it since you were diagnosed?

Original poster
Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 08:52

I was misdiagnosed with PTSD at age 15 on a depression then I was diagnosed bipolar at 22 and diagnosed borderline at 26 I am 26 now and awaiting therapy for the borderline and I am on meds but while they take the edge off they are not taking away the pain entirely and I'm still really struggling.

OP posts:
TheFillyjonk · 21/02/2014 08:53

You really do sound like you need somebody to talk to. Call the Samaritans (08457 90 90 90) - they're completely impartial, and they're just there to listen to what you have to say and support you.

Offred · 21/02/2014 08:58

Because you have complicated issues which it still sounds like they are diagnosing and treating I think you can expect to be a bit all over the place.

My bipolar friend is much better on lithium. He had a period a few years ago when he stopped taking it and went all wrong again. He's much more stable on it.

My ex had some kind of psychotherapy treatment for his bdp and it has made a big difference.

Because you have both the most recent diagnosis of bdp will mean they have to reassess and start again with treatment I think.

This kind of thing is therefore to be expected while they work out how best to help you.

Please persevere with the professionals and treatment and try not to be too hard on yourself while you wait for proper treatment.

Offred · 21/02/2014 08:58

*bpd

shakethetree · 21/02/2014 08:59

Having an affair doesn't make you an awful person, we're all human & we're all capable of making mistakes, mental illness or not ( to err is human as the saying goes ) of course if you keep having affairs then you obviously need to end the marriage, but a one off can happen to the best of us - don't be so hard on yourself (( hugs )) you know I'd far rather be married to a lovely kind man who had one minor indiscretion than be married to a prize pig who 'never even looks at another woman' - put it to the back of your mind & move on, you made a mistake, you're not the first & you won't be the last.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 08:59

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that your DH needs to know all of it. The drugs, the infidelity... all the things you've done and are struggling with. In a normal situation my advice would be 'keep schtum' but this is anything but normal. He needs the information in order to make an informed decision about his life going forward, your DCs' lives, and I think you need to tell your full story if you're going to get anything out of your treatment. It may mean the end of the marriage - and that may be why he says he doesn't want to know - but I don't think it's fair or respectful in this context to keep a good, kind man so completely in the dark. I also don't think it's fair on the DCs

Offred · 21/02/2014 08:59

Yes, call the Samaritans. I called them a couple of weeks ago and they were really good.

Offred · 21/02/2014 09:05

Hmm... Whilst I can see what cog is saying and think it will be true later I think you are clearly in crisis now and need to deal with that before anything else. I think you should take advice from mental health professionals about what to do re telling your h.

Original poster
Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 09:07

Mental health professionals have told me not to say as they are concerned about what the outcome for me will be.

OP posts:
Funnyfoot · 21/02/2014 09:07

I don't think keeping this a secret is going to help you OP.

I think this secret and the guilt you feel will have a detrimental affect on your mental health.
Be honest with him. Tell him everything. You will never be able to move on if you don't. As you say he is a good man so doesn't he deserve the truth?
You need to prepare yourself for his reaction. He may leave you but you can't blame him. He may stay, not all affairs end in divorce.
Mistakes happen, you are human. However once you are aware of the mistake to continue the lie is much worse.

shakethetree · 21/02/2014 09:07

Yes cogito, I'd tend to agree. but it is a risk. He could be wonderfully understanding & supportive or he could react terribly & make matters far worse for the op, & as she's already very fragile could she take that?

Offred · 21/02/2014 09:09

Leave the issue over what to say and when until later then and don't make a decision. Deal with the current crisis first.