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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I had an affair

97 replies

Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 08:33

I am bipolar and borderline and I had a affair. This has now ended dh doesn't know I feel so shit feel like killing myself. I deserve everything this board has to throw at me. Every day I read about people who have found their partners cheating and it reminds me of how much hurt and confusion I have caused. I also shut dh out and accused him of being controlling I played mind games to the point where he wonders if he has been controlling.

I feel so down now and now the high is gone I'm stuck having to feel the guilt for what I've done. I've debated about telling dh but he says when I try to bring it up that he just wants to forget about it all. So I wonder am I being selfish in wanting to tell him or not.

OP posts:

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 21/02/2014 09:11

I'm usually very black and white about affairs, but I hesitate here because frankly, it's too grey for the way my mind works.

I'd say you have to tell him because sex and drugs mean you could have/be a carrier to a disease and he needs to be medically safe.

mirtzapine · 21/02/2014 09:12

I'm going to agree with CogitoErgoSometimes. It looks like to need to bring about a period of truth and reconciliation. Its tough, its hard but, it aids in rebuilding the important parts of a relationship, consider it to be restorative justice.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 09:14

"she's already very fragile could she take that?"

What about his mental stability? Or health generally? The OP is getting treatment and seems to have various health professionals supervising and advising. What/who does the DH have supporting him?

Offred · 21/02/2014 09:16

Hmm... She's waiting for treatment by the sounds of it cog. Not sure it is massively important to decide or say right now.

Original poster

Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 09:16

I haven't been using drugs that could cause a infection and you person I had a affair with insisted on condoms so there is very little chance of me having contracted a disease. He knows about the drugs btw.

OP posts:

Parsley1234 · 21/02/2014 09:17

Don't say anything get the help you need from the professionals deal with the immediate presenting problems for you take time to process the outcome then maybe if you and your professionals agree its in you and your husbands best interest to let him know exactly the truth you can get support in a proper way. Have a bit of experiance re bi polar and my advice take it easy get support you need and be kind to yourself don't make the situation worse

Offred · 21/02/2014 09:19

I agree he has needs which should be considered but presumably he knows the op's diagnosis and that sex and drugs are common things during an episode so I'm not sure it is that important to say immediately.

Quitelikely · 21/02/2014 09:20

What your husband deserves is a wife who will try her hardest to get the correct help and support so that she can function as well as possible in order to be the person she wants and needs to be for her self/husband/children.

Yes you have obviously fallen from your path but now it's time to get back onto your cart with the help of meds and counselling. You are right in saying that your family don't deserve this, you didn't deserve to have MH issues but that's how life goes.

MorrisZapp · 21/02/2014 09:24

Did your affair partner have any idea about your issues? I don't normally blame affair partners but in this case it looks as if somebody has exploited your MH issues for their own gratification. Can you learn from it and move on, getting the correct drugs/ support etc in place?

shakethetree · 21/02/2014 09:24

Cogito I agree that he needs to know everything - just not right now. I'm taking the ops username at face value & if she is feeling suicidal she can't afford to take anymore risks, he could react very badly. I think she should confide in a close friend or family member, tell them everything & get her head together & get a little bit stronger - then tell him. another couple of weeks of him not knowing isn't going to make much difference. But yes, ultimately he does need to know.

Original poster

Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 09:26

Yes the person I had a affair with knew.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 09:27

He almost certainly will react very badly but it's guilt that's got the OP suicidal. Fear of the unknown. I think she should follow the advice of the medical professionals naturally, but I feel very strongly that, by being excluded, the DH is being denied the opportunity to make choices about his own life

Quitelikely · 21/02/2014 09:33

Re the affair. Op can he take that right now? Could he handle it on top of everything else, could you? I'm not sure if you know the earthquake a revelation like this can cause in a marriage.

If I were you I would wait a little while until you are more stable emotionally as the fall out from these things can be pretty bad

Original poster

Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 09:35

I'm not sure dh could take it he is very depressed himself as my illness and caring for me has made him depressed.

OP posts:

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 21/02/2014 09:39

If you're unwilling to tell him about your betrayal (which IMHO, you really, really should)
Could you at least have a long discussion about the drugs and your MH causing you to play mind games and apologise for that? Having someone lie so much you question your own sanity is cruel, he needs to know he's not controlling etc.

Offred · 21/02/2014 09:41

No cog, it's the bpd that has the op suicidal!

Original poster

Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 09:42

I have tried but he just says he doesn't want to discuss it anymore he just wants to move on.

OP posts:

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 21/02/2014 09:43

X-Post.

I say talking to him is even more vital. You've made him question his sanity and convinced him he's carrying out abusive tendencies (controlling you, for one)

That could very well be making him more ill.

I'd say as he has MH issues too, and you've toyed with him that he needs the truth for his MH and state of mind. His health is equally as important as yours.

Knowing that information takes the grey out for me, it's not fair what you've done to his mind to protect your fear of him leaving because of your betrayal.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 09:43

I agree Offred... which rather makes the debate about whether or not to tell him redundant. Nothing is going to make this worse than it already is.

Offred · 21/02/2014 09:44

It isn't a normal situation. The guilt may be triggering the bdp just now but because of the bpd the guilt may not just go away if she tells him and because of the bpd other things are also very likely to trigger suicidal feelings too. It is more complicated. What you are suggesting may not therefore improve her suicidal feelings, it may worsen them and it may leave her without any support during this crisis which is no doubt why the HCP advised not saying anything.

I think ultimately he should know but not now and not against HCP advice in this situation.

Mollydoggerson · 21/02/2014 09:45

Don't look for advice here, some of it will be good and some of it will be gossipy and judgemental.

You sound fragile, perhaps it is best to get professional advice.

Offred · 21/02/2014 09:47

It is tough caring for someone who is ill and can lead to depression as a reaction to stress but it isn't the same as having depression which is not a reaction to stress. What would help him is the op being better. It wouldn't necessarily help anyone to tell him right now.

I think you are all out of your trees to be telling a very vulnerable poster to go against the advice of her mental health support team!

Offred · 21/02/2014 09:48

Op - has he got any support with the strain of caring for you and the effect on him?

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 21/02/2014 09:52

*It isn't a normal situation. The guilt may be triggering the bdp just now but because of the bpd the guilt may not just go away if she tells him and because of the bpd other things are also very likely to trigger suicidal feelings too. It is more complicated. What you are suggesting may not therefore improve her suicidal feelings, it may worsen them and it may leave her without any support during this crisis which is no doubt why the HCP advised not saying anything.

I think ultimately he should know but not now and not against HCP advice in this situation.*

I agree with this, I worded myself clumsily but this is what I was (poorly) attempting to convey. I'm sorry if it came across like I meant ignore HCP advice I meant don't keep it a secret always

Take care of yourself OP, be proud you were able to end the affair. Not many people do that unless they're caught! You're stronger than you think you are.

Original poster

Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 09:53

He has no family but my family support him and they take it in shifts to look after me after a few suicide attempts. To make sure I don't do anymore.

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