Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

OP - Finally, the bathroom door is really thin. One can hear everything - the passing of wind, the buzzing of the toothbrush, even the unrolling of the loo roll or the drying oneself with a towel, everything. So he is not that loud, it is just that I can hear everything.

MrsBryan I'd wipe your hands first if you're typing - makes the keys sticky otherwise.

You are clearly stating that assumption is reason enough to do anything you please

Stridence you are living in cloud cuckoo land if that is your interpretation of my post.

A man might assume that his partner would find the sight or knowledge of him masturbating, a turn on, as he would if the positions were reversed. That might be his thought behind the original behaviour. Unless the woman speaks up and says, no, I don't like that, how the hell is he supposed to know that she doesn't like it? If a woman can't say that to her own husband, then she can hardly blame him for getting it wrong.

The notion that this is sexual assault is just absurd. She isn't being forced or pressured into anything and she hasn't even bothered broaching the subject with him. Before being vilified as a sex offender, I think he deserves the right to be told that she finds his behaviour revolting.

This thread is so depressing. All of you prudes who cannot bear to see your 'loved' ones having some pleasure without you. You selfish women! Anyway, the real problem here is that the OP is having much less sex than desired hence her aggravation at the wanking as a good erection is being wasted during a solo activity. But then again OP is not going that route in her replies which leads me to believe she is just pulling your leg, no pun intended.

no, it isnt the same because one is a rape and one is a sexual assault. They are different offences.

Sex with someone while they sleep is rape because the person can't consent.

Masturbation in the bed while someone sleeps can be sexual assault because the person can't consent.

If in either situation it has been discussed and agreed it is OK it isn't sexual assault or rape.

What is tough to understand here?

Is it just that you don't like to think of wanking in bed as harmful?

It is him who has to broach the subject because it is his sexual behaviour.

Why are people applying different consent standards?

Is that better?

Honestly, guys, it is Just wanking. Sometimes you don't want full sex, you just want a quick wank to relax you so you fall asleep. I think that the issue of the lack of sex - just like the issue of the nasty cum rags, is a separate issue to the actual wanking.

If it is keeping you awake and that is a problem and often a problem then yes, tell him to go into the bathroom and finish, but if its not that often and not really a big problem I can't see what the issue with someone having a wank in bed is.

so yes then?

It is just wanking but sex is just sex. I don't get what the basis is for applying different standards.

Mainly I don't like the way you're blowing the OP out of proportion, but no, I don't think wanking in bed is harmful

The book 'Every man's battle' describes the need for men to experience sexual release every 72 hours. it also talked how masturbation affects men and relationships. In my marriage I don't want DH wanking solo. What I go for is either to jerk him off myself or let him do it over me: that way I'm involved and obviously the object of his desire rather than a solo activity where his mind could fantasize about other things. If you have a good relationship you should be able to talk about this. Ask to talk about it: discuss alternatives: even if it's you lying and letting him have a quickie even if you don't want to. Men have desire that can sometimes be too often to be convenient or too often it's annoying to them: to have some way of release is something you should both talk about..otherwise he may look to porn or fantasies outside the marriage.

LOL at this thread and the massive over reactions.

Having a wank while you think your partners asleep is not sexual assault. It's having a warm in your bed.

If this was me I would say urgh did you have to wake me up, join in or make a joke of it one day. I don't really see the problem tbh and the amount of threads there was on here about the sex towels and the majority of MY women had a sex towel for after it does just show the double standards we apply.

Would you believe I did actually check my post for auto correct mistakes before it posted...

Oh and please do not take the above posters advice about just lie there and let him do it even if you don't want to WTF.

Sex wanking and fantasies are normal ffs.

And that's a load of bollocks boltonlass.

Women have desires too and libido is an individual thing that changes all the time.

Men not 'having release' doesn't make them look outside of marriage; being a selfish twat does that (bloody victim blaming)

Men and women have the right of autonomy over their own bodies; marriage doesn't give you the right to forbid them to masturbate or to police the contents of their own heads.

even if it's you lying and letting him have a quickie even if you don't want to and you can fuck right off with that too.

About the only reasonable thing in that post was that good relationships means you should be able to talk...

I now feel dirty after reading that.

It isn't just about this thread anymore though is it? It is about common attitudes towards sex and why it is perfectly reasonable to object to wanking in bed when you haven't had a discussion about it.

why it is perfectly reasonable to object to wanking in bed when you haven't had a discussion about it.

Which is why the OP needs to talk to her DH - but that doesn't mean he's sexually assaulted her by doing it in the first place.

It is reasonable to object because she hasn't consented (different to permission).

Why does she need to tell him to stop rather than him gain consent.

The law is what says it could constitute a sexual offence. I've posted the cps guidance for clarity which talks about sexual behaviour in relation to personal autonomy not just touching.

It is you who is personally applying different standards based on one being touching and one not. That is not what the law on sexual assault says.

If a stranger got in your bed and wanked themself off you'd not object to that being called a sexual assault no doubt - why is it different for people in a relationship? Bearing in mind there is no such thing as an assumptin of ongoing consent anymore.

Masturbation in the bed while someone sleeps can be sexual assault because the person can't consent

This just gets more laughable!
The person who is supposedly being assaulted is asleep, unaffected, untouched and unaware of the masturbation. They are not participating in any way at all. There is no way that this could ever constitute assault.

It is him who has to broach the subject because it is his sexual behaviour

How the hell is he supposed to know that he should broach the subject is she hasn't bothered telling him that it is causing her a problem?
Grown ups talk to each other.

I'm not saying it is something that shouldn't be done.

I'm saying the onus is on the one doing the sexual behaviour to gain consent not the one being subjected to it to reject it.

That's the standard approach to consent.

mostwicked - so if a woman doesn't wake up and never notices someone has had sex with her while she is unconcious she hasn't been raped either then?

He should know because adults are meant to understand the law and ignorance is not an excuse. Basic legal principle.

If you haven't gained consent don't do it. Simple.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic I accept that you may disagree with me and there's no need to be offensive with your language, MN is full of differing opinions and free speech or perhaps you didn't realize that? I'd rather just protect my marriage whereas you may be of the 'it doesn't matter where he gets his appetite from, as long as he always eats at home' point of view...one needs to ask oneself what masturbation is actually for? Fantasies are not helpful in a healthy marriage if any other woman is involved (I speak with experience of marriage counseling others) I do think that in a healthy relationship there should be the ability for good communication, not flying solo; marriage involved 2 people when I last checked and it should be possible for all sexual fulfillment to be met with each other in one form or other. Maybe DH could let OP know when he's feeling frisky and they could decide together what's ok for them? OP what have you decided?.

mostwicked - so if a woman doesn't wake up and never notices someone has had sex with her while she is unconcious she hasn't been raped either then?

You really are being ridiculous by even comparing these two situations.

When I mentioned about him masturbating while she slept, I said that she was "unaffected, untouched and unaware of the masturbation". None of those apply if he had had sex with her. She only became aware when she found his clothes.

If a woman is raped, conscious or not there may be huge consequences.

Unlike if someone sleeps through their partner wanking on the other side of the bed, which has precisely no consequences. (Unless it wakes you up and leaves you tired for work which is a world away from std, pregnancy and emotional trauma)

We're not going to see eye to eye on this.

I don't think the OPs DH would be prosecuted for sexual assault. I think the law is more sensible than that and looks at context and intent and doesn't work in absolutes. What they have is bad communication. Another case you could find a DH doing this as a deliberate attempt to intimidate their DW as part of a wider picture of EA. Context and intent. Saying every case of wanking by a sleeping partner is the same as the latter is just silly? Unfair? Short-sighted? IDK, but it's annoying for sure.

What an absolute load of crap. When people have sex they experiment and if their partner objects, they say. The OP has never expressed an issue, her DH isn't a mind reader.

She just needed to say at the time that there's a way she'd prefer. That's her responsibility, he's done nothing wrong.