Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

Talk to him

We seem to have a variety of opinions on all things wank and your circumstances are different... maybe set up your own thread?

Quite agree. This isn't about anybody else's boundaries, this is about yours.

He isn't a mindreader, isn't to know you are bothered, isn't to know that going to the ensuite and shutting the door isn't enough.

He's doing wrong to you, but you are doing wrong to him by not discussing it.

Wicked it's not the wanking that's disgusting - it's the cummy-pants that are gross and are direspectful. Shows a total lack of manners, hygiene and... what's the word I'm looking for... pride?

Oh no, it is very clear from the OP and many of the replies, that there is a huge distaste about the wanking, and how that should be done is in complete privacy, with no evidence that it ever happened! Only 1 of her 5 points of complaint, was about the laundry, and this has only happened a handful of times!

I wonder if the men who are actively doing this in front of their rather annoyed partners, are trying to tell them something about their sex drives. It sounds like behaviour designed to derive a response!
Maybe they are hoping you will join in/help. Bear in mind, that many men, find the sight of a woman masturbating, a huge turn on, so they might assume that you would feel the same.

I don't agree I am changing the rules. Consent has a very specific interpretation when it comes to sexual activity and yes, it is involving the op in it. If he wasn't she wouldn't be posting.

I wonder if the men who are actively doing this in front of their rather annoyed partners, are trying to tell them something about their sex drives. It sounds like behaviour designed to derive a response!
Maybe they are hoping you will join in/help. Bear in mind, that many men, find the sight of a woman masturbating, a huge turn on, so they might assume that you would feel the same.

Yes, they may be but this would be abusive.

I don't mind wanking in bed but if my bf did it without us ever having discussed it and therefore without knowing that about me I would think he didn't understand sexual consent and had no respect for mine. It would worry me.

And no, it is not about asking for permission. It is about respect for boundaries.

It's not about controlling his sexuality either.

It's about retaining autonomy over mine.

MostWicked, are you suggesting that non-consensual sexual behaviour is reasonable and to be expected?

I'm just obsessed with the laundry aspect, wicked. I can't help it! Haha.

Would I 'join in'? Nooooo! Well, maybe to spare myself being faced with spunky socks in the morning...

There's a difference in wanking and touching to initiate foreplay and sex, I my opinion. OP needs to talk to her bloke about it... The rest of us have different views and that's fine... as long as it corresponds with our partners'.

My DP looked like he was trying to remember his PIN number the one time I saw him walking when he was half asleep... Did I find it a turn on? Funnily enough no. Haha.

I wonder if people think wanking around a child or a stranger is still not involving them in sexual activity?

wanking not walking! Ha

I do like watching bf wank

Prefer watching him than doing it to him tbh which I find tedious and annoying. Meh.

Still would not like to wake up to him doing it sans discussion though for reasons previously mentioned.

I'm sure people will say no doing it near child/stranger is not ok because is abusive/no previous relationship but it is still an issue of consent (child can't consent, stranger hasn't). However, it is well recognised now (thank god) that ongoing assumed consent has no place in an existing relationship.

Yeah exactly a partner knowing your are watching and involved is one thing and can be very sexy...

Cracking one out when they think your asleep? Nah

Plenty of people on MN have babies in their rooms for 6 months+ and have sex whilst they are sleeping (there have been plenty of threads in the past). I doubt anyone thinks they are involving them in sexual activities...

Anyone who has shared a room with siblings would deny they involve them in sexual activity if they masturbated whilst they were sleeping.

It's a question of context and intent. Getting off because there is someone there is involving them.

That's where the pants come in to it again, it's not just doing it and not caring if she wakes up / it's the proverbial two fingers of leaving the evidence. Won't have sex with me? Well then have some sticky pants... It's like drawing as much attention to it as possible. Rather than just bringing up the issue of sex or lack there of. There are two people here not talking, not just OP. Feel like she's getting a bit of stick for not watching and giving him a round of applause and offering to mop his brow mid wank.

Some people do think having sex with a child in the room is involving them but a baby under 6 months is not likely to understand in order to be involved.

Masturbating whilst sharing a room with a sibling is involving them in sexual activity yes. A child might not necessarily understand this in the same way an adult should though and that's the difference.

If you're the adult responsible for the masturbating siblings I think it would be appropriate to talk to them and explain about consent, boundaries, sexual activity etc.

"You're" in the general sense...

If you were to wake up at a party and a bloke was stood over you masturbating, would this be acceptable? If not, why is it acceptable when it is someone we know? How intimately do we need to know someone before it is deemed acceptable?

Re the sleeping child the judgement you'd make is "if the child wakes up and sees would this still be ok" a baby under 6 months yes but beyond around one it becomes increasingly inappropriate IMO.

Oh i have a bad day and you have just made me laugh thank you . I think you need to say to him maybe pick your moment like when he has had a glass of wine and is in good form . He sounds like a big adolescent but then most men do. next time you wake up and he is occupied shall we say i would join in and give a little help think you will find he must prefers it to flying solo

I have no idea what my DSs do, and don't plan on asking - we've had the private things stay private conversation thanks, but I know quite a few adults who did share rooms with siblings and who did it. FWIW it was a conversation that came up about being noisy during sex - those who started to masturbate whilst sharing rooms for whatever reason also learnt to be very quiet and discreet (something the OPs DH missed out on!) and it was an interesting discussion fuelled by a couple of bottles of wine on unlearning that kind of behaviour (very difficult by all accounts)

MostWicked, are you suggesting that non-consensual sexual behaviour is reasonable and to be expected?

I have no idea how you read that interpretation into my post!

I was suggesting that this could be attention seeking behaviour from the man, believing that it might invoke a favourable response.
The behaviour from both partners, shows a complete lack of communication around the whole issue.

I have said that I wouldn't have a problem with it, but if the OP or any other woman is not happy about it, then they need to communicate that clearly, whilst also listening to the message that the behaviour might be trying to say. In other words, they need to talk openly to each other.