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Original poster

Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

407 replies

WeaselLulu · 20/02/2014 20:54

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

  1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
  2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
  3. Please lock the bathroom door.
  4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
  5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

OP posts:
Offred · 22/02/2014 00:34

what exactly is the problem with saying you should get consent for sexual activity anyway?

No-one is saying you can't do it or it is wrong. Surely getting consent from a person who would consent is a tiny tiny issue? Why is there such a big problem with it?

MrsBryan · 22/02/2014 00:34

So when I sleep with my husband with my child in a co sleep cot I am sexually abusing my child?

Bollocks, and bollocks in the eyes of the law too.

Jesus such prudes on this forum!

We have all had sex you know, it's 'Mumsnet'

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:34

people have been found guilty of sexual assault for wanking in front of people who don't consent.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 22/02/2014 00:35

No court would prosecuted me for having a wank in bed while my partner was asleep aaslong as I wasnt touching him without his consent.

So is it sexual assult to have sex in the same foom as your sleeping baby?

MrsBryan · 22/02/2014 00:35

You are suggesting I should wake my husband up and 'gain consent' to have a wank in my own bed. That's just ridiculous!

MoominsYonisAreScary · 22/02/2014 00:36

Wanking in front of awake strangers, not in the same room as their sleeping partners

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:36

It is nothing to do with prudishness. Talking about sex and boundaries is harder for prudes than imposing unwanted sexual behaviour on their partners.

MrsBryan · 22/02/2014 00:36

People have been found guilty of sexual assault for wanking in front of school girls or in cars of any manner of a number of things but having a wank in the dark in your own bed?

Find me one case where someone has been found guilty of sexual assault for that? Just one

If you are so sure this is reality

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:37

who said you have to wake your partner up. What's wrong with discussing these things as standard before they come up?

MoominsYonisAreScary · 22/02/2014 00:37

Ex post with MrsB

MrsBryan · 22/02/2014 00:37

It is everything to do with prudishness, being so ashamed of the human body and of the ability to pleasure ourselves that it is a naughty thing that we need to 'check' it is okay for the people around us.

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:38

it isn't different just because you have an ongoing relationship. Assumed consent has been abolished.

Just what is your problem with discussing sexual boundaries?

Starting to think it is you that is the prude.

MrsBryan · 22/02/2014 00:39

'Goodnight dear'
'Goodnight dear'
'I might have a quick fiddle in a while dear'

It's just preposterous! It's my own bed! If I want to have a cheeky fiddle that is what I will do. It's in no way comparable to knocking one out in public or whatever it is you are going on about.

You are yet to find me this court record of someone being charged for this heinous crime.

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:40

making sure your partner is ok with sexual activity you conduct while you are with them is nothing to do with thinking sex is naughty or shameful. It is about respecting them enough to give them the right to control their own sex life.

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:40

'cheeky fiddle' is an interesting turn of phrase... why is it cheeky? because your partner doesn't know...

MrsBryan · 22/02/2014 00:41

I've just informed the entire world of Mumsnet that I am more than comfortable having a wank.

I hardly think you have any grounding calling me a prude!

MrsBryan · 22/02/2014 00:41

He can control his own sex life. Me having a wank is not me controlling his sex life.

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:42

I think I've more than supported my argument actually.

No-one has yet been able to support the argument that you can conduct sexual activity in bed with someone else without their consent with anything better than, 'just because you can OK' or 'it's my bed'

MoominsYonisAreScary · 22/02/2014 00:42

What are you on about, me having a wank has nothing to do with my partners right to control his sex life

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:43

and if he didn't like you doing it? would that not be exposing him to sexual activity he didn't want in his own bed?

If it is something that is fine in your relationship then it may be hard to understand. We're talking about when the other person is not fine with it.

MrsBryan · 22/02/2014 00:44

No offred, you have not supported your argument. You are convinced it is a criminal activity to wank in bed with your partner unaware and you are yet to provide one scrap of evidence to support this.

My husband is aware (now) that I wank in bed because I told him and he looked a bit shocked and told me he certainly did not feel 'sexually assaulted' by the frankly shocking realisation that I am a human with human needs.

So where is this evidence?

MrsBryan · 22/02/2014 00:47

I don't like my husband breathing on me or cuddling me while I sleep. I actively discourage him from doing this, if he does it I will ask him not to.

It is not him assaulting me, it is him doing what humans do and when those things that humans do get in the way of the things this human wants to do we work things out.

Still doesn't make it assault.

Stridence · 22/02/2014 00:47

MrsBryan, take a look at the thread as a whole. Can you see that the vast majority of posters think what the OP's husband is doing is creepy/rude/selfish/ignorant/cringeworthy? Leaving the subject of assault/rape for a moment, the majority of posters agree that what this bloke is doing is Not On. It has nothing to do with prudishness and everything to do with not being treated like some inanimate object whilst your husband grunts like a rutting boar right beside you.

No-one is saying masturbation is wrong. But a man who wanks around the house, gurning and moaning through doors and walls has a few issues of his own. One of them being he needs to grow up or, as someone up-thread suggests, buy a fucking shed.

MrsBryan · 22/02/2014 00:48

If we were both awake and he stated hugging me and I made it clear I didn't like it and he carried on hugging me that would be assault.

But him doing it without any idea of it upsetting me does not make it assault.

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:49

no, I'm saying it can be a sexual assault under s3 sexual offences act. Which it can. I also said that clearly it is unlikely anyone would want to use it to prosecute a partner and that it was intended to make a point about the common misunderstand about consent and why proper understanding of consent is important in a relationship.

If you can't understand the link to the cps guidance on s3 I'm not sure what other evidence anyone could possibly produce that you would understand.