So in counselling today...
On the upside, I think I've started to get my head around the idea that it's not me that is unloveable, but that my parents didn't love me and were incapable of doing so because they had their own issues.
But I've literally started to see that this week and I've believed I was unloveable for nearly 40 years, so I don't know how long it's going to take for the impact to be emotional and not just intellectual.
On the downside, last week I realised that it must be that I'm not capable of recognising love or receiving love because I've never had and it don't know what it looks like. Sadly, I also realised I'm no good at being liked either. I actively avoid people who I now realise are being 'nice' to me because I find their behaviour (saying nice things) a bit overwhelming and threatening.
I've started to get my head around some of the obvious red flags, but there are other things I'm less certain about.
As I said on another thread, my first abusive relationship was with my parents and started very early on. Since then I've only ever been in abusive relationships because I've interpretted a lack of violence, shouting, threatening, control as a lack of interest on their behalf and ended it!
Which is where I'm really struggling with the man I'm seeing. From what I can see his feelings haven't changed but I think part of the doubt I've been having all along is also to do with the fact that he's not jealous or possesive and hasn't said anything controlling and I can't actually tell whether that's because he's a nice, non abusive man, or because he doesn't give a shit.
And because I don't know that, when I think of all the lovely things he says and does, I can't tell whether that's genuine feeling and affection or whether it's part of a game he has no emotional investment in, for his own amusement.
What a fuck up I am!