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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Dating game - welcome all daters to the DATING THREAD 70!!!

999 replies

girliefriend · 20/02/2014 08:56

Thought it was my turn to start the thread!! Grin

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 02/03/2014 10:29

Yes, dippin, I keep telling myself that "this, too, shall pass".

I'm not still hung up on anyone else I've had really strong feelings for in the past. I know this will pass too.

I'm just a bit saddened by how relieved I feel by it. :(

FolkGirl · 02/03/2014 10:30

I think for him to reply like that and cancel the account, he must be feeling pretty shit.

Just why do people do it?

LizzieBelle · 02/03/2014 10:35

because they can...

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 02/03/2014 10:42

Folk....maybe all is not lost. See if he pursues you. If so, he may genuinely be sorry. As a PP said, OD is addictive and some people need it to validate their worth and get an ego boost. He may not have been chatting, just getting his fix! He has now maybe realised that his feelings for you are more important.
See how it pans out. It didnt seem ideal with him working away anyway.

Ive penned a text to send to Mr4 tomorrow. Basically saying i wont be contacting him again. Ive tried twice before but he kept coming back but this time its happening. I cant be doing with woolly arrangements and cancelling. He seems to be one of those who likes texting and little else!!

Blossomflowers · 02/03/2014 10:46

Morning all hope all doing well folk sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Did you read his message in the end.
Saw mrSA Friday night, dinner and bed, was wonderful, sadly had to kick him out early as had spa day booked. Told him that would be nice if he made a bit more effort with contact, as felt that often I am instigating things, seems he took in on board as had a message from him last night whilst out with friends. He always has his DD Saturday nights. It going to be tricky to see each because of his work and commitment to his daughter, I really like him but think more than once a week would not be enough to form a relationship , am I being to demanding?

LoisPuddingLane · 02/03/2014 10:57

He may be genuinely sorry, indeed. But at the risk of sounding like the Evil Fairy, isn't that only because he was caught? When Folkgirl saw PoF on his computer, he smoothly lied his way out of why it was showing. When he's been saying "oh I'm off to bed now" he's actually been cruising PoF. Whether looking for online flirtation or just enjoying the thrill of attention, it's not good. And he has come to his senses now? Because he was caught out?

oldfashionedgirl · 02/03/2014 11:01

dippin Being single does seem less complicated and less risky.

blossom Sounds like a good date and a good sign that he took the making more contact thing seriously. Tricky when everyone has commitments but once a week isn't really a lot.

Jarlin · 02/03/2014 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 02/03/2014 11:04

I agree but Im just playing devil's advocate as I think Folk really likes him. I want her to go with her gut. Always to be trusted imo. As I said in a previous post, the trust would be gone for me and what's to stop him setting up another profile.
However, people cope with things in different ways. Im very back and white hence my own situation. Plus Im not very trusting.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 02/03/2014 11:10

Jarlin....Id be tempted to just reply with "fine....you?". Is this an educated man? I shall await his reply to your reply with baited breath!

Blossom...glad to see you have had a successful weekend un dating.

Ive been spending quite a bit of time with my ex (platonic) but i fear i am falling for him. I dont think he feels the same. I wonder if i feel this way because Im pi55ed off with my recent experiences and just a bit lonely!

LoisPuddingLane · 02/03/2014 11:10

The trust would be gone for me too. He's not been honest with her. I don't doubt that he is really keen on Folkgirl, but it seems he is still looking at other options. Some men, unfortunately, can compartmentalise their lives.

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 02/03/2014 11:10

Long time Lurker here, just wanted to say to FolkGirl, I was in a similar situation with my now boyfriend. We met via POF, were "seeing" each other for a couple of months, then a friend messaged me to say he'd rated her on OkCupid. Not messaged thou. I was pretty annoyed and a bit hurt but as we hadn't actually had a talk about being exclusive or anything, I just said what my friend had told me. He apologised and deleted his profile and that was that. I think, as someone else suggested, he wasn't sure how I felt about everything as I'm pretty guarded and he wasn't putting all his eggs in one basket as it were?
It did force us to actually have a talk about what was going on and we're properly together now Smile Been about 5 months altogether now, so very early days but it all worked out in the end.

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 02/03/2014 11:12

Urgh, sorry for the lack of paragraphs!!

FolkGirl · 02/03/2014 11:22

wicked thanks for that. Yes, I do think that there is an element of us both being guarded, for a number of reasons. And I have used strategies to not get too attached. Um, like posting on here constantly talking about how I'm not going to fall for him...

He is definite that he hasn't met up with/dated anyone else since we met.

He has offered some reasons which, whilst not making it ok, do explain it. He has said that he misses me and wants to get together to talk about 'us'.

I might do that. And I would still retain the right to walk away.

Bumblebeepie · 02/03/2014 11:31

Happy Sunday everyone! Did the date with Mr Cyclist, he wasn't for me, lovely guy just no chemistry. Oldflame has been sporadically texting, he's so crap at distant communication, but when we are together it is wonderful so I'm clutching at that thought. I just wanted to say to whoever it was that recommended Matthew Hussey that he has some fabulous advice and really puts things in perspective (some good youtube videos). Also i found a great website called www.meetup.com/ which helps put you in touch with groups of people with similar interests to you, for real life meets in groups. I'm struggling to find likeminded men on OLD at the moment, where are they all? Think I need to join a new site, any recommendations?

FolkGirl · 02/03/2014 11:40

I don't know.

Need to have some head space now to think.

Have a good day everyone.

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 02/03/2014 11:52

Folk - I think you should maybe talk it out with him, if only for yourself if nothing else? At least if you then decide to walk away, it's on your terms and you will have had closure.

I'm really guarded and when I think back, I really wasn't giving anything away so I can kind of see why he was still browsing as it were.
I'm kind of glad it happened because it was the kick up the bum we both needed to admit that actually, it might be going somewhere and maybe we should address it.

I think what scared me the most was how hurt I was when my friend told me - I honestly didn't expect to feel to strongly.

dippinmytoe · 02/03/2014 12:15

flora I don't think I could have a man live with me again, I like being free and pleasing myself. I missthe obvious, but other than that no much else !

Poffedoff · 02/03/2014 12:48

Hi all,

I took a break from posting here but have been keeping up to date with everyone's news. I felt I had to post today though as reading your story Folk is like reading my own...
I was with pofguy for 8 months...I remained on my guard for ages as had great difficulty trusting him due to my own insecurities but he managed to suck me in over time and I fell pretty hard..

I found him online about 4 months into it...I was devastated and felt like a complete fool. I confronted him, he was full of remorse, deleted his profile, made huge efforts to make it up to me and I let him...he said it was pure boredom and just touching base with some women who had become friends! I didn't believe him but liked him so much I decided to give it another shot...we made lots of plans stretching all the way up to the summer, texted a lot, saw each other as regularly as possible and things were great..he was much more full on than I was, the gazing and hair stroking was a fave of his too..

I found him on pof again the other day...this time i needed to know what he was looking for so i did a very bunny boilerish thing and messaged him from my fake profile..it soon became obvious he would be happy to meet up. I strung it out a bit whilst still texting as "me" and then messaged him to say I'd found him again so that was it for me.. i've still had no reply, i'm angry and hurt but I too feel the relief that you do...it was always a feeling in my gut that he was in it for different reasons to me..
Hard as it may be for you to cut and run now Folk my advice is to do just that...it's shit. I know. Facing a weekend alone without knowing I'm going to see him is awful but so is the horrible feeling in my gut all the time that he's up to something...I got straight back online, now chatting with a lovely guy who is distracting me very nicely thank you very much:-)

I know every situation is different but the similarities here led me to post to warn you and save you wasting another 4 months of your life on a cunning, lying and manipulative charmer.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/03/2014 13:02

I don't think any man goes on dating websites without at least some intention, whether it be just flirting or actually meeting up with women.

Poffedoff · 02/03/2014 13:08

Pofguy went out of his way to convince me that he had never met up with anyone since he met me, that he would never cheat on a woman as had been cheated on himself and hated how it felt blah blah blah...it took less than a day of messaging him from my fake profile for him to suggest we meet..I made a point of using text speak, lols, huns etc which I know he hates...made no difference to him though, he obviously wasn't looking for stimulating conversation.
Hope you're ok Folk and howdy to everyone else!

FolkGirl · 02/03/2014 13:29

I bought "He's just not that into you" the other day.

I'm reading that.

I'm hoping to find some clarity...

scornedwoman67 · 02/03/2014 14:06

Afternoon ladies.
folk I'm so sorry to read what's been happening. whatever you decide to do I hope you sort it out x
jarlin I used to see someone who avoided all discussion like slowburner. I think you need to either meet up & ask him directly, or let it go.
blossom glad you had a good evening. I hope he steps up to the plate
poff its so disheartening isn't it. I've been chatting to Mr Train driver. He seems really sweet, thoughtful, communicates well & is keen to meet but I'm so jaded by previous experience I just find it hard to believe he is genuine. He wants to meet this week

BeforeAndAfter · 02/03/2014 15:12

pof

I did the exact same thing about 18 months ago. He was full on about how amazing I was, invited me to works do, mate's wedding etc but my twat radar kept ringing because he was always unavailable on Fridays (because he was tired after a week's work) and only around on Sat or Sun (he had no kids). So I set up a fake profile who was the complete opposite of me. One Friday night I winked at him and we were off - the real me was texting about his romantic plan for Sunday involving him bringing a picnic while my alter-ego was arranging to meet him for dinner on Saturday. I dumped him there and then. He tried once to meet up so he could explain but he had no wriggle room and I ignored his email. I wouldn't hesitate to honey-trap again if my twat radar was sounding. If my XH of 15 years was happy to cheat then I wouldn't put it past others. Cynical I know but...

FolkGirl · 02/03/2014 15:19

Before the only thing I'm kicking myself about now is that I didn't try the messaging myself. I did think about it, but it felt so deceitful and I'm such a nice person...

I wouldn't hesitate to do it in future though.

I finished the book.