Well I had an interesting evening last night. Once again it's a long one and just musings rather than anything.
I went out to dinner with a friend of mine and it seems that my dating is disapproved of by some of my friends.
I did OD for 6 months. During that time, I had the occasional midweek evening date - but preferred not to do this because I have the children with me during the week. I saw one man for a few weeks and did see him occasionally midweek but generally I arranged dates for the alternate weekends the children are at their dads or lunch time dates on my days off and the children were at school. I did it, not because I wanted to meet 'The One', but just for some companionship and a bit of fun and to meet new people...
It was pointed out to me that even though I think I protected the children from the effects of the breakdown, there will have been times when I was feeling sad or under stress and I snapped at them when they didn't really understand why because they didn't understand how I was feeling.
I met up with 10 men altogether. Most of them were first dates, I went on a couple of 2nd dates but no further, I saw 2 men for about 5/6 weeks and then there is the man I'm seeing now.
The children haven't met any of them. And I have no intention of introducing them to the man I'm seeing now.
My exH had an affair, he's introduced the children to his gf/ow, they've been to her flat and my exh's life is moving along just nicely. I don't begrudge him that, life is short and if he's happy, then good for him. But it would appear that a couple of my friends have chatted and the general feeling is that everyone feels really sorry for me for what happened and the fact I have no family, but I should be the one to be steady and constant and reliable and if my ex wasn't willing to prioritise his family over his wants/needs, I have an even greater responsibility to do so. I should see them as my support network and not feel that I need to have a man.
I said that I only saw him once a fortnight and that if I didn't even have him, I'd be on my own all the time. I literally have no one. I'd spend most weekends on my own otherwise. I can't be just completely on my own. I know that in reality I am, but I need it sometimes to feel like I'm not. Or that I don't have to rely on the pity of my friends. Apparently, if I'm feeling sad or lonely I can just phone them up and they'll be there for me, which is a lovely sentiment, but they are all families and that can't be how it is forever. I'm not in a position emotionally to return the favour/support and now I just don't even know whether any of the friendships are real now or just because people feel sorry for me and are worried about the effect it's having on the children.
The person my friend last night was talking to was a friend we're supposed to be going away for a few days with. I don't even want to do that anymore.
Perhaps they're right and I'm just being selfish. I don't know. All I do know is that I've had a pretty tough time emotionally over the past few weeks, when I'm with the man I'm seeing I can forget about all the less good stuff in my life, I don't know I just feel even worse now. Perhaps they're right and I should just lay off any idea of dating and be on my own. There are certainly plenty of threads on here from LPs who don't go anywhere or see anyone - a lot are frustrated and sad but some seem quite content to prioritise being a parent. Perhaps that is the way to go.
I've already accepted that this isn't love. Perhaps I just need to take some time away from everything.