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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Where are the grand gestures after ea is over?

92 replies

printmeanicephoto · 17/02/2014 11:07

Am 18 mths down the line after DH admitted emotional affair plus kissing. Its over now and he's truly repentant. We've been together nearly 20 years with 2 Dc. The recovery process would have been a whole lot easier if DH had done some grand gestures - telling me that I was the most important woman in world, how much he loves me. He was pining for OW for a while but now firmly back in reality! How do you move forward without the reassurance you need? Or is it unrealistic to expect the grand gestures when a marriage has had a bomb chucked into it?

OP posts:

pinkfluffypoodleface · 17/02/2014 11:28

Duplicate thread.

Original poster

printmeanicephoto · 17/02/2014 11:29

Also a valentines card would have been nice this year! It goes against his principles re: commercialisation of cards apparently. He normally manages to give one to me though!

OP posts:

Original poster

printmeanicephoto · 17/02/2014 11:31

Sorry think duplicate thread has been deleted - posted thread twice by mistake. Please reply on this thread.

OP posts:

KhloeKardashian · 17/02/2014 11:32

Why are you with him?

not judging fell for it myself in a past relationship

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 11:33

What you're saying is that he reluctantly gave up the OW and isn't showing you anything approaching enthusiasm. If you don't feel reassured, whether it's through grand gestures or any other mechanism, then you may find that the only way to successfully move forward is to leave DH well behind. Don't be the person he 'settles' for.

And I would add that the Valentines Card thing is just another facet of his selfishness. Not important to him but important to you. A truly repentant person would take that on board. One who is reluctantly still there under sufferance wouldn't see the point.

NaffOrf · 17/02/2014 11:37

He hasn't made any 'grand gestures' because he doesn't feel the need. He hasn't told you you're the most important woman in the world, and that he loves you, because that's not what he thinks. You should at least give him credit for not bullshitting you any more than he already has done.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 11:40

He is taking it for granted that nothing bad will happen...

Original poster

printmeanicephoto · 17/02/2014 18:12

I am still devastated although I think I deserve more than this.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 18:23

Of course you do

You are not getting it though, are you ?

Are you meant to feel gratitude for him just still being there ?

It would take a fuckload more than that for me too

Yelp4help · 17/02/2014 18:42

'You are not getting it though, are you ?'

common line in abusive relationships. not sure people come on here to be, and I believe it is, emotionally abused by posters they turn to for help!

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 18:49

yelp, isn't there a bit of car maintenance you should be doing or summat ?

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 18:50

another pointlessly goady post from this grease monkey

Uptheanty · 17/02/2014 18:51

Have you told your dh how you feel?

It seems like he's looking after his own needs.

If you need reassurance-and you said you do....why would you be prepared to move on without it?

Why do you appear to be making all the comprimises when he had the affair?

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2014 19:10

I don't think your H actually sees that he should need to make any grand gestures. Wot I reckon is that all he thought was that he rather reluctantly made the choice to go back to the status quo and that should have been the end of it. If anyone asked him how he thought his wife felt about the whole business I suspect he would stare at them blankly for a while, wheels slowly turning, and then say you were probably happy because he had gone back to you. The thought that he should be grateful that you were willing to take him back is unlikely to have occurred to his tiny mind. (I don't care if he's a genius in most aspects - his emotional intelligence is clearly minimal.)

I think he needs telling in no uncertain terms that you deserve and expect a bit of grovelling and worshipping after what he put you through, and if he can't or won't deliver, the divorce court is that way >>> You may have no intention of carrying out the threat, but he needs to know just how much he risked for a silly ego boost. Of course it shouldn't be necessary.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2014 19:15

Yelp4help, if you read the thread carefully the OP says she deserves more than this, to which AF agrees and comments that she's not getting it (ie "more than this"). The phrase is sympathetic rather than abusive in that context.

I can't believe that needs explaining to someone old enough to use the internet.

MorrisZapp · 17/02/2014 19:19

As I said on your other thread, telling somebody how much you love them is not a grand gesture. It is a bare minimum, especially after a betrayal. And a valentine, he didn't bother with that either? I'm really sorry but it sounds like he's only staying with you until something better rouses his interest elsewhere. Please don't accept this from him.

WhotheWhat · 17/02/2014 21:05

and it wasn't an ea. penetration isn't the bar

hermionepotter · 17/02/2014 21:06

the trouble with these situations is that your self worth gets eroded. So yes you need massive gestures for a bit and deserve them IMO. You also need to know that there are plenty of lovely guys out there who would worship the ground you walk on and be grateful for your time. That probably seems unbelievable to you right now So he needs to shape up or ship out.

First step is surely to communicate your needs clearly to him and make sure he knows you mean it? Also, think about other ways you can start to be really kind to yourself, build yourself up, maybe exercise, new hobby, treat yourself, that sort of thing

Lweji · 17/02/2014 21:16

I'd honestly distrust the grand gestures more.

Trust is build on the little things every day.

shey02 · 17/02/2014 22:58

Sorry OP, I could have written parts of your opening post myself. The reason he was pinning was because he was missing her. The reason I didn't get these things from my exh at the time was because he couldn't give a shit about me. He wasn't scared to lose me, or consumed by guilt, he was trying to figure out a way to continue the affair and he did, until I caught him again. More fool me.

ageofgrandillusion · 17/02/2014 23:07

How old are you OP? Do you really want to grow old as somebody's fallback option? Are you prepared to accept that as your lot? You do have a choice here.

Original poster

printmeanicephoto · 18/02/2014 10:22

He's not a grand gestures sort of person really I guess. He keeps on telling me it wasn't an affair just an inappropriate relationship (went on for a month with the kissing) - but there were a few months leading up to that month of getting to know her and chatting apparently.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2014 10:28

By minimising it he is not being respectful of the impact on your feelings. It's the 'she meant nothing to me' chestnut with the 'I'm over it, why aren't you?' problem added. I'm sorry but that is not consistent with your original description of him as 'truly repentant'

AnyFucker · 18/02/2014 10:29

Of course it was an affair

He doesn't get to reset the definition because it suits him to do so

Offred · 18/02/2014 11:04

Have you told him that a relationship that is inappropriate because it is with someone other than the person you have agreed to be monogamous with, that involves sexual interest and activity, is the very definition of an affair?!

I think you should dump him tbh. Grand gestures often mean nothing and are made by people who want to cover up their lies/lack of feelings IMO. You aren't asking for grand gestures, you're just asking that he do the bare minimum that should be expected in a relationship - that he show his love, that he understands and cares for your needs.

So what you have is someone who doesn't care for you and for someone reason (desperate to cover up he did shag her?) is motivated to minimise his behaviour and not take responsibility for it.

Don't put up with being treated like that, please! I think you should sack him off and move on, he's only going to continue hurting you.

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