Where are the grand gestures after ea is over?

[printmeanicephoto]

Am 18 mths down the line after DH admitted emotional affair plus kissing. Its over now and he's truly repentant. We've been together nearly 20 years with 2 Dc. The recovery process would have been a whole lot easier if DH had done some grand gestures - telling me that I was the most important woman in world, how much he loves me. He was pining for OW for a while but now firmly back in reality! How do you move forward without the reassurance you need? Or is it unrealistic to expect the grand gestures when a marriage has had a bomb chucked into it?

[Chyochan]

Why do you think you are choosing to accept this situation.

Im not judging btw, I think most of us have been there.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

The "you shouldn't be surprised" is really the comment that would bury him for me

There is no ambiguity there at all. Next time you don't please him, he will do it again.

No way to live is it ?

[WhateverTrevor83]

Really sorry you're been in this situation OP. The thought of him 'pining' for OW and like AF says, the idea that you should expect/not be surprised by his behavior is worrying... he sounds very arrogant.

Hope you have friends and support in RL to rally round. Have the kids any clue what's happened?
Be kind to yourself and instead of worrying about his re-assurance, assure yourself... that this is his last chance (is it?).

I still think that grand gestures are usually more about the unfaithful partner making themselves feel/look better than the person they have betrayed imo/ime. He probably knows that telling you how you're the most important person etc will sound hollow after what he's done.

[Herhonesty]

i am in exactly the same position, EA plus admitted to kissing and lots of sexting. Likewise is see no "fight" in him for me or for the marriage. its horrible. tbh i have decided that i cant live with someone who I dont believe truly loves me and have put in place a timeframe around which to consider what my options are. I need to get back in control, rather than feeling pathetically grateful that he is back in the marriage. I am worth more than this but it is a hard choice to make - unhappyness or insecurity?

[Jan45]

I suspect once out of the situation it will appear less hard a choice than you think.

[EverythingCounts]

You deserve better treatment OP.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Herhonesty choose happiness every time...

Don't be so hard on yourself, please. You aren't pathetic. He's pathetic.

[Witchazel]

Not a huge amount for me to add really... other than to send huge sympathy to you. I know how it feels. Second best. Pitiful for your self-esteem. A sure fire way to wed yourself to the hobnobs every evening (which is what I have done). I have been the dutiful wife in the background enduring a 5 year long EA. I am currently planning my way out of it. You DO deserve better and I hope you find a way out.
Be kind to yourself. And don't leave it as long as I have.
xxx

[sadaboutmum]

I may be a lone voice but please don't give up on him yet op. I had an affair and grieved for the loss of the om for close on 5 years. I was not prepared to leave my husband and the circumstances are too long and boring to go into here. But we survived and I so not believe that my dh was weak to let me stay and grieve at the same time. We had a life and two children together and sometimes that is enough to get through. I know my view is not fashionable but or worked for us.

[maggiemight]

Hmm, you shouldn't have been surprised, eh?

And, as the relationship is obviously not yet all wine and roses perhaps you shouldn't be surprised if he does it again!

Cheeky twat.

I was v fed up with DH's selfish behavior not long ago and posted on the legal thread to ask what I would get if we split up, assuming not much as had been SAHM a lot and DCs grown up, but - wha hey, I would get half... cue popping champagne corks at the realization I could clear off if I wanted, this resulted in a big change in my attitude ie Im not putting up with this shit any more which in turn, over a few weeks/months, caused DH to change for the better.

Perhaps a visit to a solicitor and a realization that there is life without selfish DH might make you start the changes which will turn around your relationship, or possibly end it.

[printmeanicephoto]

Thanks sad - good to hear the other side too. I really want it to work but am worried that things are just too broken now.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@sadboutmum..... treating people like shit is not fashionable, no. Your poor husband must have no self-esteem left whatsoever.

[printmeanicephoto]

Thank you sad for posting. Cog - that was a bit out of order.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

I can only speak for myself, but if I had treated somebody so badly and they continued to forgive me, I would lose all respect for them.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Precisely AF... all that's left is contempt.

[sadaboutmum]

Jesus it is absolutely no wonder that I never post on here. Truly do you lot know nothing about kindness gentleness and forgiveness? And it is quite frankly bollocks to suggest that children are unharmed by divorce, I know that to my cost since it was the fuck up of my parents divorce that led me to struggle to understand what normal healthy long term relationships are like. My dh and I have given a gift to our children that is priceless - and to suggest that he is anything short of heroic to have given me the space and time to figure things out is just ludicrous. Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life and I come at that from a perspective of very nearly throwing it all away. I just want the op to know that sometimes staying, forgiving, loving is an option and that just because it might take time for her dh to truly come back to her does not mean that she should give up on it know. First time (I think) that I've posted in relationships and I won't bother again.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

I can only speak for myself did you miss that bit ?

I wish you well in your marriage, SOM, and I am glad for you

But I would never, ever advocate that anyone should bury their self respect to the point where they passively stand by as the person who is supposed to love them behaves so cruelly and is so open about the contempt they must feel

[printmeanicephoto]

Sad - I appreciate your post and it has helped me. Thank you. I believe in grace and forgiveness too. X

[AnyFuckerHQ]

sorry, meant SAM

[AnyFuckerHQ]

It would be a shame, OP, if that one post in all these up in arms about how cruel this man has been, swayed you to overlooking this fact

bearing in mind that we don't know who is on the other end of the 't'internet, and why

[Offred]

Sad - There's not really evidence to suggest children are harmed by divorce per se. There's evidence to suggest children are harmed by acrimony and by instability.

Those things may commonly be part of divorce but they are also commonly a part of the discovery and aftermath of an affair within a marriage where someone is forgiven.

The harm doesn't happen only if you decide to leave and it isn't avoided by staying. That viewpoint is oppressive to women (primarily) who have been pressured for generations to put up with bad treatment 'for the kids' and anyone who has discovered an affair and it defies logic.

I don't think it is anything to do with not believing in forgiveness. For a start you can forgive without staying together. Also, the choice to stay together has to be made realistically if it is going to work. From what the op says this guy is not even taking responsibility for what he is done and is still directing his love towards ow. He has not shown any signs in his behaviour that he wants to be with the op.

Was that the case in your relationship sad? Did you deny it was an affair, indicate it was partially your husband's fault and show him no love or care?

[printmeanicephoto]

Yes AF - have taken on board other opinions too and do want to maintain some self respect. Am struggling with forgiveness, but that doesn't mean it's not possible under the right circumstances - ie extreme remorse on his part and making me feel special again.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

It's your life, love. Live it wisely x

[feelingvunerable]

Op- I understand that you want the marriage to work, but does your dh?

If he truley does then he would be making a huge effort to put things right and make you absolutely want to stay with him.
t
As it is he isn't doing that. Be kind to yourself. Tell your dh what you want and what you don't want. If he isn't prepared to meet these requests then I'm afraid he really isn't that bothered about you or the marriage at all.

[ageofgrandillusion]

Making my marriage work is the proudest achievement of my life and I come at that from a perspective of very nearly throwing it all away.
Im sorry sad but this just comes across as complete bullshit in light of the fact that you were at it with somebody else behind hubby's back and then pined for the OM for five years. Are you living in some kind of parallel universe here or am i missing something? You've nowt to be proud about love, believe me.