Where are the grand gestures after ea is over?

[printmeanicephoto]

Am 18 mths down the line after DH admitted emotional affair plus kissing. Its over now and he's truly repentant. We've been together nearly 20 years with 2 Dc. The recovery process would have been a whole lot easier if DH had done some grand gestures - telling me that I was the most important woman in world, how much he loves me. He was pining for OW for a while but now firmly back in reality! How do you move forward without the reassurance you need? Or is it unrealistic to expect the grand gestures when a marriage has had a bomb chucked into it?

[printmeanicephoto]

Until recently he's basically been pining for her since it happened (18 mths ago). So Ive stood by and known his head (but not his body) was somewhere else for all that time (its been sooo hard). Now he says he really wants to commit to our marriage. I know he"s truly repentant but I feel like ive changed. I want it to work but still feel so hurt. We have 2 kids at primary school.

[Uptheanty]

It must have been utterly soul destroying to witness your dh mourn someone else...no wonder you feel different now.

I think you've been very brave to try to hold all of this together but i really feel that you need to put yourself first now.

Your dh sounds like a selfish, self absorbed pig of a man. This may not be how he always was, but it's certainly how he's been behaving towards you.

Has his fog cleared yet? Has he noticed YOU his WIFE yet?

If not then you really need to start making changes yourself.

I'm very angry on your behalf and hope you can find the strength that you need so you can be treated how you deserve to be

[AnyFucker]

Well, this is the problem that cheaters need to face when they do what they do

The cheated-upon may initially take them back and try to forgive and forget, but in many cases, after the hysterical bonding period, they wake up and smell the coffee

by realising that the "prize" they won is actually tarnished forever and actually deserves to be sent back due to not being fit for purpose

[printmeanicephoto]

Don't think we've had a hysterical bonding period. Been too naffed off to do that and his head has been elsewhere.

[printmeanicephoto]

No double entendre intended ha hs.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

God, you didn't even get a hysterical bonding period ?

How utterly miserable

Why have you stood by for months and watched him pine for another woman ?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Wanting to forgive is a good intention but you know what they say about the Road to Hell being paved with those...? Traumatic emotional events do and should change us as people. Being betrayed so severely by someone who is supposed to love you is about as bad as it gets. If we experienced trauma and stayed the same, we'd simply be naïve.

So you've changed, he's changed & therefore the relationship has changed. You've had chance to reassess your opinion of him and maybe you don't like what you see?

[printmeanicephoto]

Yeah standing by has made me feel utterly shit. Feel second best.

[printmeanicephoto]

But there may still be some hope with counselling.

[Redoubtable]

Hope for who or what?

You? In or out of this dis-respectful relationship?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Counselling may help you work out why you felt obliged to stand by, feel shit and allow yourself to be second prize in the beauty contest. I'd concentrate on boosting your own confidence and self-esteem for a while. It's taken a total hammering and you really shouldn't have to tell a loving man to up his game. His 'it wasn't really an affair' attitude could be tough to shift, even with counselling.

[Jan45]

Do you honestly and truly feel there's enough love between the two of you to get over this and spend the rest of your lives together - it's not sounding very likely.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

Hope for what ?

To change him from a dead loss into somethig he isn't ?

Anyone who really loved you wouldn't have put you through witnessing that. Fair enough, maybe he loved this OW. But somebody with your best interests at heart would have taken himself away to lick his wounds, not continued to avail himself of domestic services and watched you slowly die in front of him

Nasty, nasty behaviour

[shey02]

OP sounds like you have changed and rightly so, are you sure you wish to settle for counselling and getting through this? Some do, but it's hard work. Can you imagine a life without him?

[printmeanicephoto]

We weren't getting on great before the ea and although repentant he says I shouldn't be that surprised that it happened! I was surprised!

[hermionepotter]

he sounds very entitled
It sounds as if he's blaming you for the affair rather than taking responsibility

[MorrisZapp]

Oh no come on, this is just awful. Really, you can't be with this idiot now. He had an affair and blamed you? Then refused to make any effort to make things better?

No. Get him dumped. This will only erode your self esteem further if you let him hang about.

[printmeanicephoto]

Yes he says he's 100 percent to blame but that I shouldn't be surprised.

[Uptheanty]

I feel that his behaviour since the ea is actually emotional abuse.
You sound apologetic for your very existence.

It appears he's got you trained to accept whatever he says and expect nothing.

You are worth so much more than you think you are.

You can feel whole again.
You are worthy.
You deserve to be happy.
You can be ok without him- probably better.

Ask yourself this, what are YOU getting from this marriage?

[hermionepotter]

you shouldn't be surprised just why tf not, since you were married come on OP that's just not on, I think you know that.

He should be extremely grateful if you're forgiving an affair IMO, irrespective of the 'why'

[AnyFuckerHQ]

eh ? You "shouldn't be surprised" ?

Who the fuck does he think he is

He has virtually told you there that the next time you are "not getting on great" (as happens in all relationships) that he will go out and have another affair, and you should not be surprised by that

you are being very silly, love

[Jan45]

Be prepared for many more affairs in the future OP.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I agree with AF. The 'shouldn't be surprised' response sound a lot like one of these non-apologies that politicians trot out when they're in the soup. 'I'm sorry if others found my behaviour unacceptable in the circumstances'.... is not the same as saying 'I behaved badly and I am sorry'.

Do you not feel like you're being made to look a fool?

[Jan45]

The fact he pined for this OW in front of you like a wounded dog would've been enough for me to say bye, bye forever. Sorry I'm not meaning to make you feel worse but this man has no real intentions towards you.

[ageofgrandillusion]

Bloody hell OP, this thread makes me think of some badly treated dog who goes to lick the hand of its owner despite said owner beating it on a daily basis. Jeeez, get some self respect back, this twat-fucker has somehow made you lose all perspective of what one might reasonably expect from a relationship. This isnt a relationship, it is one person saying to another, 'i really want to be with somebody else but as they are not available i will grin and bear it with you.' The reason there are no grand gestures are because he doesnt see you as any kind of prize. Is that really where you are at in your life? The booby prize? I just cant believe that.