dh unwilling to give up smoking cannabis

[milkysmum]

Hi. I know the answer to this really but am lacking the strength. Dh and I have been together 14 years, married 8 and have two wonderful children Dd 5 and ds 2. I used to smoke cannabis socially but gave up completely when we had children. Dh smokes it every day and I hate it. He is moody and irritable but refuses to agree that cannabis may be contributing. We never have any money because he spends all the spare cash on weed. I am talking about £60-80 a week on the stuff along with tobacco. I am so frustrated that I am having to spend money on credit cards to pay for shopping sometimes when if he would just give up his habbit then we could be financially so much more comfortable. He doesn't do ' serious talks' and has real issues with expressing emotion. I told him yesterday if he doesn't stop then we have no future. He hasn't even acknowledge d what I've said!! What do I do? Kids would be devastated and they love him so much. Also I know he won't move out so where does that leave me? We have a joint mortgage on the house. Anybody been in a similar situation want to share their expereinces? Thanks.

The OPs husband does not smoke around the children, he's in a shed in the garden, I don't think the OP is putting anyone before her children, she wants to work things out for the sake of her family. Yes he probably will fail and then she will be able to do the practicalities of moving on without him but he may not, depending on what help he gets, he's an addict, whether right or wrong.

I hate how everyone who is having difficulties in their relationships are constantly told to LTB, it's not Eastenders, you don't just pack a bag, grab your kids and walk off into the sunset for a better life. Most women want to do their best to work things out and no amount of LTB on here is going to actually make them do that, they'll only do it if their own mind is made up already.

"Most women want to do their best to work things out"

And trying that alone and/or without cooperation from the spouse is damn nigh impossible. Women who have been taught to be innate rescuers and or saviours in relationships try far longer than they should have when they really should have bailed far earlier.

I don't see women wanting to save a 14 year marriage with two small kids is trying to be a rescuer or a saviour. We ALL try harder if we want to save a relationship and when it doesn't work we ALL say we wished we'd moved on sooner but that's humans for you, not just women, I think anyone in a relationship where they love that person can't just switch off emotionally and work solely on what their head is saying, it's just not that easy.

Not defending him in the slightest but can totally understand why the OP is not running out with bags packed just yet.

Everyone on here offering advice and I include myself in that, sit back in our armchairs dishing out advice along the lines of, you shouldn't put up with this or that, in reality, we all put up to a certain degree with partners who are pissing us off, we don't all run for the suitcase and think this isn't good enough, sometimes relationships are shit, they can be up and down.

Weddings are about parties. Marriage is about helping each other get through life. Mostly it should be happy, but sometimes it's not. In a great number of cases, broken things CAN be fixed and families CAN stay together but it is really, really hard. From what I've heard, being single and trawling through quantities of middle-aged losers on the internet isn't exactly easy-street either. If you want easy, get a dog. Even better - a picture of a dog.

We don't know if he makes her laugh, or makes wonderful pancakes or is great in bed. We don't know if he cried when their children were born or if he holds her hair back whilst she is being sick. We don't know if this is the only man she has ever truly loved. We do know that he's the father of her children and the man she planned to spend the rest of her life with. Sometimes this isn't enough, but I would agree that the whole knee-jerk LTB thing on here is a bit childish and increasingly tedious.

Blaming the op for being an 'enabler' isn't exactly productive or compassionate. She's doing her best in difficult circumstances.

Fab post picklepig

yes piclepig thank you. whatevet happens between dh and I, Iwill always be thankful of you helping provide a balanced view of the situation

jan45 thank you also

That's what these forums should be for - shared experience. I hope he realises how lucky he is. If he does then your future could be the one you hoped for. You can hold the gate open but can't stress how much it needs to be HIS walk from now on though. Best of love and luck xxx