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Original poster

dh unwilling to give up smoking cannabis

158 replies

milkysmum · 17/02/2014 10:20

Hi. I know the answer to this really but am lacking the strength. Dh and I have been together 14 years, married 8 and have two wonderful children Dd 5 and ds 2. I used to smoke cannabis socially but gave up completely when we had children. Dh smokes it every day and I hate it. He is moody and irritable but refuses to agree that cannabis may be contributing. We never have any money because he spends all the spare cash on weed. I am talking about £60-80 a week on the stuff along with tobacco. I am so frustrated that I am having to spend money on credit cards to pay for shopping sometimes when if he would just give up his habbit then we could be financially so much more comfortable. He doesn't do ' serious talks' and has real issues with expressing emotion. I told him yesterday if he doesn't stop then we have no future. He hasn't even acknowledge d what I've said!! What do I do? Kids would be devastated and they love him so much. Also I know he won't move out so where does that leave me? We have a joint mortgage on the house. Anybody been in a similar situation want to share their expereinces? Thanks.

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Original poster
milkysmum · 18/02/2014 22:13

ha yrs I dont think my dad would be too up for that! But legally I dont think I can just kick him out can I? mortgage in joint names?

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Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 18/02/2014 22:17

As he is doing something illegal with your dc there I would think you could. Anyone give any legal advice here?

picklepig · 18/02/2014 23:29

Really sorry to hear this Milky. I imagine you might be more patient with your clients, but then they would be paying you to listen instead of robbing you blind. Hoped he would have grown a pair after last night. Time to check out of the Lost Cause Hotel.

pregnantpause · 19/02/2014 07:27

I think as it can be seen as a safeguarding issue then, yes, you can kick him out. I'm so sorry that he hasn't seen how serious this is- perhaps he never will, but you have to act now, you can't wait around for more years hoping that he changes. I would vusit your gp and make him aware of dhs addiction and ask for advice. I would pack his bags. I would tell him that whilst he insists on continuing this illegal behaviour in front of the DC then you must first and foremost act in their interest, if he would like to contend his right to live in the property then you are happy to discuss the safeguarding issue with the relevant parties and take legal advice.

Original poster
milkysmum · 19/02/2014 07:50

to be fair though he does not smoke in front of the children so not sure it is really a safeguarding issue? god I dont know what to do! he has just left for work looking as though he gad the weight if the world on his shoulders- kissed the children goodbye but still the frosty silence between us remainsSad

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Original poster
milkysmum · 19/02/2014 07:50

*had not gad

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Noteventhebestdrummer · 19/02/2014 08:01

Open another bank account in your name only for a start. Move money to it from the joint account so you always have food money. Keep this account secret, obviously!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2014 08:01

The fact that he does not smoke in front of the children (thankfully) is irrelevant. You know he is smoking daily and the effects this is having on family life as a result. He is destroying yours and their family life by his own actions. No-one forced him to carry on smoking cannabis; he actively chose to and now seemingly cannot function at all without it. Your mistake here was perhaps hoping that fatherhood would make him step up; it clearly has not.

Thought you had a rescuer and or saving streak in you; time to reel that right in as of now and get him out of your day to day lives. Put yourselves first for a change. You do not need to carry an adolescent manchild any longer. Find a solicitor and know what your rights fully are here.

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 09:25

Divorce him

petalsandstars · 19/02/2014 13:20

He doesn't smoke in front of the children

he spends all his time in the shed and no time with the children

How often have you left him in sole charge? Overnight/a dwy/an evening?

Original poster
milkysmum · 19/02/2014 13:23

Not all his time I didnt say that. He was a stay at home dad until september when he went back to work so was left in sole charge alot.

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Jan45 · 19/02/2014 13:26

If you want to work it out with him yous are gonna have to talk, he must at least attempt to reduce his consumption, and fwiw, I don't see him as any danger to the kids.

Original poster
milkysmum · 19/02/2014 14:16

thank you jan he really isnt!

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petalsandstars · 19/02/2014 14:28

My mistake, but would you trust him now to not smoke? To get food in and make dinner etc?

picklepig · 19/02/2014 15:51

The long-termed stoned aren't incapable of doing things. They are actually quite good at doing boring tasks, because it quietens the voice in their head that says 'why the f**k am I even doing this?' Pootle-pootle-spliff-pootle-pootle. The problem arises if you actually want them to engage positively and feel alive. That's why it's a lonely place for a spouse. It's like living with a grumpy hermit that doesn't need you, because he can always cuddle up in the smoke of the lovely, lovely non-judgmental weed. They are never quite 'with' you.

Jan45 · 19/02/2014 15:56

Just for the record I know quite a few peeps who smoke regularly and hold down hard demanding jobs, they also go home and take care of their families. My take on smoking weed is much the same as alcohol, in moderation I don't think it causes any harm. Obviously the extent of your partner's smoking isn't that, so, he either cuts down to moderate use or cuts it out altogether, he's actually got two choices here.

Original poster
milkysmum · 19/02/2014 16:09

pickepig I think you were actually once married to my dh!

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SadSisterr · 19/02/2014 16:29

I honestly think your only option is to start getting ready to leave him, and I say that as an ex canabis smoker with a DP who is also an ex smoker.

With us, I gave up first as I got pregnant, DP tried to stop but couldn't find the Will power so carried on for another couple of years. It became such a resentment between us it would drive me mad! Couldn't have any family day out with a spliff first, during if it was a long day and then as soon as we get home, then to be carried on all evening. He was also short tempered and struggled to relax without weed. He worried that giving up would make him even worse and just couldn't see how ridiculous it was that he was that dependant on it.

Anyway, when I became pregnant again it became a very serious issue between us and I gave him an ultimatum. Choose between me and the weed. He knew I was serious as I started to make plans for if I had to leave. It took him a couple of goes at stopping and I was supportive of that as I could see he was genuinely trying this time and not just doing it to placate me.
He's now been clean for for 3 and a half months and the difference is amazing! We can go out for the day now without having to worry about finding him somewhere to stop and have a spliff, he's lost the foggyness and boringness that comes with it. He's calmer, funnier and less stressed.

If he hadn't of been serious about stopping and carried it on then I would definitely have left. It's no fun being in that kind of relationship, no matter how highly functioning they are. It's only now being able to see the difference that I can truly appreciate it.

picklepig · 19/02/2014 16:39

:) As I said upthread, a big problem with weed is the PR. Lovely, friendly stuff apparently.I really used to think it was no problem. Ha! I would agree that in the right hands it's fine, just like alcohol. But in the wrong hands, it's emotionally debilitating, which means people don't seek help until much later than they should. It's so much stronger these days too. I could easily list four or five DH's just like mine (was) and yours. I even can list one or two that are worse :( For the record my DH held down a very demanding job whilst being addicted for years. He didn't even use tobacco - just a vaporiser. I guess your DH has a tobacco addiction too. I asked my DH why he finally stopped. He said because I was finally, definitely going to walk away. He said you might have to do that, because whilst the weed can dull the ache of depression, it's not going to be enough to mask the pain of losing your family.

Original poster
milkysmum · 19/02/2014 16:40

Sadsistet thank you for sharing. yes I have given ultimatum after ultimatum and never followed through so no wonder he's not really taking me seriously. I think like your dp is genuinely terrified that he will feel worse if he stops. Im sure he is also worried about friends, who are all smokers too (and I mean long term freinds since he has had since school). But no this is not a future I want for my familySad

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AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 16:42

This is the future you are currently signed up to.

picklepig · 19/02/2014 16:42

We can go out for the day now without having to worry about finding him somewhere to stop and have a spliff, he's lost the foggyness and boringness that comes with it. He's calmer, funnier and less stressed.

Yes :)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2014 16:48

Ultimatums lose all their power if they are issued more than once and he knows that you up till now have not been at all serious about leaving him. He probably thinks that you will just put up and shut up and never leave because you to him are too weak willed to do so (or think you could not manage on your own). You've admitted yourself you are lacking the strength. Why is that?.

Is this really what you want long term for your family; your children are now 5 and 2. What about when they are say 10 and 7?.

Who is more important here; him or you and your children?. This man is a lost cause and there are no medals handed out for wanting to keep rescuing and or saving such men like your H from themselves. They do not want to be saved. Besides which you are the last person who can help him, you are too close to the situation to be of any real use here besides which he does not want your help. Time now for a completely different change of tack; what you have tried to date as well has not worked and has basically prolonged the agonies for all concerned.

Jan45 · 19/02/2014 16:58

I think you can help him by issuing an ultimatum and meaning it, i.e, get plans in place now on the premise he's going to let you down again.

Original poster
milkysmum · 19/02/2014 17:00

my head is absolutely saying end this now but I am forever caught up in the fantasy of what life COULD be like if he stopped. He has just got in from work and I could bear the silence no more so tried to talk to him. He seemed cross, said he has told me that he is going to try and stop yet here I am again wanting to talk things through and it serves no purpose. He was also annoyed that I told him I had made him a gp appointment as maybe this would help if he felt depressed. I dont hold up much hope of him going. In his eyes now he has told me what he is going to do and I should just wait now to see if he does- but for how long if he wont even talk about things?

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