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Original poster

dh unwilling to give up smoking cannabis

158 replies

milkysmum · 17/02/2014 10:20

Hi. I know the answer to this really but am lacking the strength. Dh and I have been together 14 years, married 8 and have two wonderful children Dd 5 and ds 2. I used to smoke cannabis socially but gave up completely when we had children. Dh smokes it every day and I hate it. He is moody and irritable but refuses to agree that cannabis may be contributing. We never have any money because he spends all the spare cash on weed. I am talking about £60-80 a week on the stuff along with tobacco. I am so frustrated that I am having to spend money on credit cards to pay for shopping sometimes when if he would just give up his habbit then we could be financially so much more comfortable. He doesn't do ' serious talks' and has real issues with expressing emotion. I told him yesterday if he doesn't stop then we have no future. He hasn't even acknowledge d what I've said!! What do I do? Kids would be devastated and they love him so much. Also I know he won't move out so where does that leave me? We have a joint mortgage on the house. Anybody been in a similar situation want to share their expereinces? Thanks.

OP posts:
HowardTJMoon · 19/02/2014 17:06

Being in a relationship with someone with a stiff drug habit is quite a lot like being in a relationship with someone who's having an affair. They're not quite "present" in your relationship because they've always got someone/something else on their mind. They're always looking for opportunities and excuses to nip out and indulge themselves in their fantasy world. And anything you do that threatens his ability to continue his affair will be met with obstruction or evasion or lies.

Make no mistake - someone burning their way through £60-80 a week on cannabis most definitely has a stiff drug habit. Someone who spends hours on his/her own in a shed has a stiff drug habit. No matter how much he might claim it's entirely ordinary, he's thinking that because he has surrounded himself with stoner mates. But this is not an "occasional spliff with mates" thing. This is serious.

There is nothing in what you have written that gives the slightest hint he wants to stop. If you tell him "It's me or the cannabis", which way do you honestly think he will go?

picklepig · 19/02/2014 17:06

My children are teenagers Milky. I feel sad for the years he missed, like the volume was turned down on the joy of family life. I can't help thinking how much more fun it would all have been if he had shared that with us.

picklepig · 19/02/2014 17:11

my head is absolutely saying end this now but I am forever caught up in the fantasy of what life COULD be like if he stopped. This is possible but there are a lot of difficult choices to be made first. I don't regret sticking with him but he had to take the steps himself. I couldn't make them for him. Step away.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2014 17:11

"my head is absolutely saying end this now but I am forever caught up in the fantasy of what life COULD be like if he stopped".

That's your rescuer and or saviour voice talking, that needs to be hushed as of now. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.
Also by staying with this person you are actively stopping yourself from meeting a man who does not have to use cannabis as a crutch both emotional and physical to deal with life.

You are not his therapist either and you should not have made any appointment with the GP for him. That was enabling behaviour on your part and enabling only gives you a false sense of control.

Heart does not rule head here, heart does not have a brain after all.

His primary relationship is with cannabis end of. He is doing and wants to do nothing to change that. It may be ever thus.

picklepig · 19/02/2014 17:16

I made an initial appointment with a counsellor for DH with his permission. He went, I NEVER asked what happened in those sessions. I don't care, I just wanted him to get better, and he did.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 19/02/2014 17:17

Havent rtft. BUt basically he is letting you and you family struggle financially and spending upwards of 4 grand a year on drugs.

Leave him. Seriously. Don't fuck about with ultimatums, just leave him he doesn't care about you

Jan45 · 19/02/2014 17:20

If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt then do, I don't think you actually want to leave, right now.

Wait and see what he does, he might not be willing to talk right now but tomorrow is another day.

perplexedpirate · 19/02/2014 17:29

Doesn't he stink, as well as everything else?

Could not put up with this. No way.

ThatBloodyWoman · 19/02/2014 17:37

Op, you are having to cover for him, and make excuses for him.You can't do things with the kids because he's stoned.
They'll start to see things for themselves.They'll see it as a normalised pattern of behaviour.
He's not helping you because he's stoned or on the path to it.Weed is his wife.Weed is his life.

Get that advice.

Once you are empowered with knowledge you have the equipment to make the stand.

And he will know it.

If he's depressed he'll get help.If he's serious about giving up he'll stop seeing his dealer.

Stockhausen · 19/02/2014 17:45

Shocking waste of money, no thought for you or kids... leave him. Even better, kick him out.

SadSisterr · 19/02/2014 17:50

He'll try and stop doesn't sound like he is ready to actually stop. Is he trying for your sake or does he genuinely want rid of his addiction? There is a big difference.
Has he given a date for stopping or is it more of a general "I will try and stop at some point" thing?

Can you envisage being happy for it to continue for say, another 3 years at least? Not just you putting up with it, but actually feeling happy in the relationship?

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 18:14

Same old, same old

See you back here in 3-6 months. Another woman putting her relationship with a loser stoner before the welfare of her kids.

Is this what you envisaged for your life, and that of your kids ?

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 19/02/2014 18:20

in his eyes he was a smoker when I met him so shouldnt be trying to change him.

Presumably he was also several years younger and not a dad then either. Shit happens. We'd all love to be 20 forever but the expectations of every day life mean we grow up and change.

Proseccoisnotrah · 19/02/2014 18:21

How can you have drugs in the same house as your children?

Proseccoisnotrah · 19/02/2014 18:22

Posted too soon! I mean wouldn't social services / police etc take a pretty dim view of that if he is ever found with something?

SadSisterr · 19/02/2014 18:27

That's unfair AF. You can't call her mothering in to question, I'm willing to bet she is a great mother who absolutely cares about the welfare of her children. Sometimes we just get stuck in a rut and struggle to see a way out.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 19/02/2014 18:41

You should really see if he is going to stop taking or not.

If he is have conditions and a set time frame whereby he should be off the drug.

If he will not, I seriously don't think you have much choice but to end the relationship. Unless you want this to happen your whole life, because if he wont change for you and the kids now, he is unlikely to in the future.

Besides the older your kids get, they'll begin to notice - children aren't silly. If they admit Daddy does cannabis then you could be in trouble without having to do anything yourself. Just something to bare in mind.

I couldn't tolerate this at all.

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 18:50

It's not a good mother that puts her relationship with a stoner above the welfare of her children

She knows he is a loser. He has proved it repeatedly or she wouldn't be on here.

I feel sorry for her

but she has a decision to make, and at the moment she is making the wrong one, IMO

picklepig · 19/02/2014 19:49

It's not a good mother that puts her relationship with a stoner above the welfare of her children He's not some bloke that's strolled in off the street - he's their dad ffs. Not only this he was a SAHD. He isn't abusing them, he's just being a useless life partner. Do you seriously think that the children are suffering? They are not ACTUALLY going hungry. Do you think they'd prefer it if they didn't see their Daddy any more? Would that be a relief to them? This is a big decision and one that is about their marriage rather than child care. Small children are unlikely to notice the signs of cannabis abuse until they are teens. What they DO worry about is it parents that smoke, because they know that kills you.

The children are fine, but their marriage is not good. I don't think confusing the two is at all helpful. The Op is under enough pressure.

Original poster
milkysmum · 19/02/2014 19:58

Thank you so much for all the advice, particularly pickepig and sadsister who seem to have a bettet grip on the actual issue. I am absolutely going to see a solicitor so that if he cannot change then I will take the appropriate action and leave the bastard! He is a shite husband at the moment but I am not calling his parenting ability. Thanks again Smile Smile

OP posts:
SadSisterr · 19/02/2014 20:06

One of you will have to make a choice soon Milky. Either he will choose to put you first or you will decide that you've had enough.
Would you be able to suggest and possibly go through a separation for a while? It would give you chance to see what it's like not living with weed hanging over your life, would give him chance to see what he would be losing.
Does sound as if he needs a shock to get him out of it, talks about it doesn't seem to be enough.

Good luck anyway. I hope it doesn't come down to splitting up.

AnandaTimeIn · 19/02/2014 20:08

Single mum here....

LTB.

Tell him to shape up - pack bags - and ship out, fuck off to Amsterdam or Jamaica (Colorado, Uruguay) where he can smoke shit to his heart's content.....

I smoke myself - ha! live in Amsterdam, just means I can buy it next to the Supermarket :-) - but I do NOT let it take over my life before my DC is o.k. (still cook, clean, work, etc.).

Have a job too. DC at uni.

It's not the dope. It's him.

HTH.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2014 20:10

"He isn't abusing them, he's just being a useless life partner".

Well that is not good either.

He is treating his wife, their mum, appallingly here. They see their mother's unhappiness and confusion and perhaps even blame themselves.

Who in their right mind would want a useless life partner, these people end up being carried by their enabler.

picklepig · 19/02/2014 20:11

Sounds like a plan.The last couple of days must have been exhausting for you. It's time to hand the baton to him by letting him make choices for himself, about himself. Most men don't like having to ask women for help. The fact that he's acknowledged he has problems is a big thing. Your instinct is to save him and the very real risk of losing you might just do it. If it doesn't, you will have saved yourself. It's win-win x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2014 20:24

I think too it is certainly time for you to indeed put the onus onto him re letting him make choices for himself. I would argue though that he is already exercising his choice through you and that choice is cannabis.

Has he really acknowledged his problems though: I cannot see any real intent to stop even now. He has not made a GP appointment off his own back, milkysmum did that for him. Enabling like that only gave her a false sense of control. Issuing repeated ultimatums does not work, trying to rescue and or save people from themselves does not work.

I have to look at the OP in this as well because like it or not she is a part of the problem. Her innate need to rescue along with the being caught up in the fantasy of what life could be like if he stopped have in themselves added to her overall confusion.