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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh unwilling to give up smoking cannabis

158 replies

milkysmum · 17/02/2014 10:20

Hi. I know the answer to this really but am lacking the strength. Dh and I have been together 14 years, married 8 and have two wonderful children Dd 5 and ds 2. I used to smoke cannabis socially but gave up completely when we had children. Dh smokes it every day and I hate it. He is moody and irritable but refuses to agree that cannabis may be contributing. We never have any money because he spends all the spare cash on weed. I am talking about £60-80 a week on the stuff along with tobacco. I am so frustrated that I am having to spend money on credit cards to pay for shopping sometimes when if he would just give up his habbit then we could be financially so much more comfortable. He doesn't do ' serious talks' and has real issues with expressing emotion. I told him yesterday if he doesn't stop then we have no future. He hasn't even acknowledge d what I've said!! What do I do? Kids would be devastated and they love him so much. Also I know he won't move out so where does that leave me? We have a joint mortgage on the house. Anybody been in a similar situation want to share their expereinces? Thanks.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 17/02/2014 12:38

Yes he is a complete wanker and you are now realising this.
He spends more than 4,000 a year on drugs and you are OK with this????
You know what you need to do.
Make an appointment with a solicitor and take action.
Unless he realises you are serious nothing will every change.
You and your DC so much better than this!

ThinkFirst · 17/02/2014 12:38

He has no consideration for you or your children, only his own selfish, harmful needs. No decent parent takes money willy nilly without checking the account and leaving their children hungry.

He won't even discuss it with you. You've told him if he doesn't stop then there's no future with you, he's made it clear that he's not going to stop, won't even discuss it.

You now need to follow through and kick him out. If it shocks him into getting help then you can decide if you want to try again, if it doesn't then you'll know for sure that it's over. But you have to follow through and leave (kick him out) not make this another empty threat which he can ignore.

Original poster
milkysmum · 17/02/2014 12:46

how do I make him go? im sure he knows that the house is half his so legally I cant. he would have nowhere to go so he isnt going to put himself on the street is he?

OP posts:
Yelp4help · 17/02/2014 12:48

Picklepig you are describing paranoid schitzophrenia. i would go to a mh specialist, to be safe.

picklepig · 17/02/2014 12:50

It's not just the money. My DH never paid for it - it was free ( don't ask). The problem was the selfish bubble it kept him in. You are shouting on the outside and he can't hear you. I wish I could tell you the magic words that would make him wake up. But if I could, he probably wouldn't be prepared to hear them from you anyway. It'll be someone else, someone he doesn't associate with bad feelings that will press the eject button. Stop beating yourself up about it. I doubt he is currently capable of giving you what you want.

I love my DH - we've been through a lot - but if I found out he was using weed again it would be over. I've seen the light and I'm not going back. Ever.

NigellasDealer · 17/02/2014 12:51

ooh well it seems we have our very own mental health specialist right here!
consider yourself diagnosed pickelpig!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 12:52

OP you can start by simply asking him to leave. If that doesn't work you can seek the legal advice I mentioned originally. If it gets to the stage of actual divorce wheels tend to get put in motion that result in separation, division of marital assets and so forth. He won't put himself on the street but there would eventually come a point where he wouldn't have the choice.

ThinkFirst · 17/02/2014 12:53

Tell him it's over, stop doing his washing, cooking, etc. Go see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings and tell him the house will have to be sold. If that isn't enough of a kick up the arse for him then you know you'll have to follow through. You may have to live in the same house as him for a while, but people get divorced/split up all the time so sharing a house is no excuse for staying together.

picklepig · 17/02/2014 12:53

Yelp, it was 20 years ago and only happened when very stoned. It was more of a hallucination combined with a powerful imagination, probably to do with extra strong skunk. Thanks for the concern though ;)

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 13:25

Yelp is doing his best to wind the mummies up. Best ignored.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 13:29

Yes... thought I sensed a whiff of Old Spice and General Bollocks there...

picklepig · 17/02/2014 13:30

Naughty Yelp.

pregnantpause · 17/02/2014 13:41

God he sounds repulsive.Angry I can't abide selfishness in parents or partners, but seriously, you need to do something. You're children are exposed to this. They are growing up learning their norms from you and dh. ATM they are learning that casual drug use is okay, that a man has a right to opt out of family life, that mothers should shoulder all the work and be grateful for a family and husband, they are learning that respect isn't necessarily normal between husbands and wives, that it's fine to ignore, disregard and belittle a partners feelings , as their Dad does their mum. They know Dad is not a full time parent. They will notice that they are not left alone with him for school breaks, they will notice his absencesSad they shouldn't be exposed to this. I would hope that if your dh were reported, ss would see drug use in front of children as a form of neglect. You need to get them out of this environment- until he stops using drugs, or at least acknowledges his problems and works on this issue.

Yelp4help · 17/02/2014 14:28

Unsure why my posts are seen as unconstructive. hearing voices sets alarm bells ringing. some psyches are more succuptible to mental health issues. do you have any children? paranoid schitzophrenia is not to be ignored or trivialised. 'minimising' is often a coping mechanism. please drop by a unit for a chat.

picklepig · 17/02/2014 14:42

Snort Are you referring to a condition where people think they are a shitzu? I think you mean Schizophrenia, you silly thing. Also, I prefer my mental health advocates to be familiar with capital letters. Is there a unit for that?

picklepig · 17/02/2014 14:45

I digress. OP I hope you make the right choice for you. Good luck x

NigellasDealer · 17/02/2014 14:46

yelp get a life and learn to spell

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 15:13

pmsl @ shitzu

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 15:14

pickle, you sound completely sane to me Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 17/02/2014 15:17

I don't think there is anything wrong with occasional use, but spending the family money is not on.
I would give him the ultimatum, cut down and stick to a limit I stated otherwise game over.
It sounds like you have other issues though, and as you both used to smoke it together, you knew this when you met, unless I have read wrongly.

Original poster
milkysmum · 17/02/2014 15:21

Pickle I myself AM a mental health specialist and you do not sound like you have Schizophrenia! Wink Wink

OP posts:
picklepig · 17/02/2014 15:29

Hahaha!( that's not maniacal laughter by the way, just in case anyone else is worried ) I'm glad to see you have a firm grip on your capitals Milky.

Yelp4help · 17/02/2014 15:40

seems strange to abuse someone who is trying to help. hearing voices and then 'minimising' it is not healthy. mental health is a much more open subject as of late so please do not feel like i am being rude. i will leave the apology down to you.

Yelp4help · 17/02/2014 15:42

I also find it odd to be abused by a user with a name seemingly glamourising drugs, in a topic where drug use is having a negative effect on the ops family. please think!

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 17/02/2014 16:15

People, this is turning into a bunfight. We are here to talk to the op, she has immediate needs. If you can't, pm each other. Pickles problem was relevant, but scrapping isn't helping anyone. milky are you feeling anymore clear about getting this waste of space and his selfish habit away from your family ?