Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh unwilling to give up smoking cannabis

158 replies

milkysmum · 17/02/2014 10:20

Hi. I know the answer to this really but am lacking the strength. Dh and I have been together 14 years, married 8 and have two wonderful children Dd 5 and ds 2. I used to smoke cannabis socially but gave up completely when we had children. Dh smokes it every day and I hate it. He is moody and irritable but refuses to agree that cannabis may be contributing. We never have any money because he spends all the spare cash on weed. I am talking about £60-80 a week on the stuff along with tobacco. I am so frustrated that I am having to spend money on credit cards to pay for shopping sometimes when if he would just give up his habbit then we could be financially so much more comfortable. He doesn't do ' serious talks' and has real issues with expressing emotion. I told him yesterday if he doesn't stop then we have no future. He hasn't even acknowledge d what I've said!! What do I do? Kids would be devastated and they love him so much. Also I know he won't move out so where does that leave me? We have a joint mortgage on the house. Anybody been in a similar situation want to share their expereinces? Thanks.

OP posts:
picklepig · 17/02/2014 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
milkysmum · 17/02/2014 18:35

I am round at my parents with the children now and have told them the truth about dh's cannabis use. I cant actually believe what I have done! my dad has sped off in the car to 'talk' to dh! shit shit shit!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 18:39

It won't do H any harm to hear some home truths

but don't rely on daddy to tell the naughty man off

stand up for yourself and kick this loser into touch for good

Yelp4help · 17/02/2014 18:39

picklepig I'm not sure why you continue to abuse me, and indeed mock mental health (including your own!). I shall leave you to it.

milkysmum - that doesn't sound too good. what happens if things get physical, which I assume they might (sped off in the car.. swearing etc)

Original poster
milkysmum · 17/02/2014 18:46

sorry that was me swearing to myself not my dad! I dont think it will get physical but my dad is very anti drugs so im not sure what he will do. if anything dh will know I am serious this time I think

OP posts:
picklepig · 17/02/2014 18:47

Well done Milky! Go you!

Original poster
milkysmum · 17/02/2014 19:06

I am wondering what the fall out will be- my dad will be devastated about this and is prone to depressive episodes- this could tip him over the edge

OP posts:
picklepig · 17/02/2014 19:22

hand hold (thanks)

picklepig · 17/02/2014 19:23

Sorry that was supposed to be Thanks

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 17/02/2014 19:34

That's not good then. However, I think you need support from friends and family. But well done, it wasn't going to be easy, but it's a decisive step.

Handywoman · 17/02/2014 20:05

from me

Original poster
milkysmum · 17/02/2014 21:08

well my dad came back and seems to be feeling sorry for dh! thinks he is depressed and maybe I should try and come to a compromise on getting him to cut right down on the smoking and fir him to get counselling. I wasnt really expecting that!

OP posts:
picklepig · 17/02/2014 21:25

Your dad sounds like a sensible man and hopefully this will act as a catalyst for change. Very glad you've been able to share the load. The voice my DH listened to was the counsellor's, when mine couldn't get through and everything is so different now - he was depressed too. I imagine he's feeling pretty shit right now. If he wants to change, hold his hand and encourage him to get an appointment asap. Everything can get so much better if he wants to try. Don't hesitate to go private if you can - seize the moment x

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 21:26

it's not up to your dad how you should feel

like I said earlier, put on your Big Girl's knickers and act on how you feel

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 17/02/2014 21:28

Ok, calmly tell him your side, all the steps you have taken, all the sacrifices you have made, how he has used food money. And that you need to remove your dc from this toxic environment. You are right. Stick to your guns, we are here for you.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 21:32

OP, I get the impression you are easily swayed by others opinions

you have listened for years to your loser husband's weak and self entitled rationalisations

you make some sort of move finally, and now it seems you would be convinced by your dad that there is a medical reason for such poor treatment of his family ?

come on

petalsandstars · 18/02/2014 08:22

Tell your dad that he takes the money for food to smoke and ask him how he suggests you live?

Then make plans for your life without the man.

picklepig · 18/02/2014 08:50

Wow.There's a lot of 'the man is the enemy' stuff going on. Her dad leapt to help her straightaway by doing some pretty full-on confronting. That can't have been easy but I imagine it was done out of love for the op and his grandchildren. I didn't get the impression the op's dad was actually telling her what to do, just making a suggestion in a dire situation. They've been married for 8 years and have two children; it's not exactly surprising that he's suggesting trying to help her DH out of the deep hole he's dug for himself. If the OP has had enough of her DH because he doesn't want to change then that's a completely different story. The buck stops here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2014 09:03

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Is this really the home environment you want your children to be growing up in?. All that is happening now is that your children and you are now being dragged down with him. Your children won't thank you longer term for staying with someone like this if you were to choose to and would call you a silly cow for doing so.

You need to reign in your rescuer and or saviour streaks here big time because these are also stopping you from making the right choices for both you and your children. That and a fear of being "alone".

You cannot save or rescue anyone who does not want to be saved. Surely you have seen that already in your own job?.

You also seem to be easily swayed by men's opinions and the main men in your life have let you down; do you really not have an opinion of your own?. Your Dad got taken in by your H as well, abusers like your H can be very plausible to those in the outside world.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2014 09:05

Counselling for OP's H is a non starter because this man anyway does not do "serious talks" and has real problems with expressing emotion. He likely also thinks that his own cannabis dependency is not a huge problem; he's self medicating his problems.

This relationship really was doomed from the very beginning; I can only assume OP has stayed to date out of some hope that her H will somehow change. Wrong on all counts there.

picklepig · 18/02/2014 09:19

Counselling for OP's H is a non starter because this man anyway does not do "serious talks" and has real problems with expressing emotion. He likely also thinks that his own cannabis dependency is not a huge problem; he's self medicating his problems.
Well, if none of those issues were a problem he wouldn't need counselling would he? Hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2014 09:23

He will never attend any counselling sessions because he thinks he does not have a problem. Also he is both unwilling and unable to want to help his own self here, it cannot be done for him by others. OP has tried long enough.

JaceyBee · 18/02/2014 09:31

That's all well and good, but will dh take the initiative and arrange counselling for himself or will he just refuse to discuss it with you again and/or get eggy with you for telling your dad?

It's difficult because I think occasional cannabis use isn't usually a problem, and partake myself from time to time - but the amount and particularly the money he spends are not compatible with family life and he needs to cut down at least. Would you be willing to compromise with one small joint in the evenings, after dcs have gone to bed (which he has helped with) or similar?

He needs to start talking basically, he can't hide in his haze of cannabis smoke forever.

And yelp, the idea of turning up and the local MH clinic and demanding to be assessed because you smoked skunk 20 years ago and heard voices but have been fine since is ridiculous and not remotely sensible advise!

Original poster
milkysmum · 18/02/2014 22:03

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. I am now back at home and we have not spoken a single word! Earlier when I took the kids to soft play he text me saying: "why are you being so harsh on me, you can see I am depressed, would you be so harsh on your clients?" And get this gem:" I couldn't go to work today as no money for bread for my packed lunch- I can't do a shift at work with no lunch. Need I say any bloody more! How the check do I get this loser out of my house?!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/02/2014 22:07

pack his bags.. put them outside and tell him you'll listen to him when he's drug free and to piss off to wherever.

And tell your dad that if he feels that much sorry for him, he won't mind putting the fucker up for a bit.