Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

dh unwilling to give up smoking cannabis

158 replies

milkysmum · 17/02/2014 10:20

Hi. I know the answer to this really but am lacking the strength. Dh and I have been together 14 years, married 8 and have two wonderful children Dd 5 and ds 2. I used to smoke cannabis socially but gave up completely when we had children. Dh smokes it every day and I hate it. He is moody and irritable but refuses to agree that cannabis may be contributing. We never have any money because he spends all the spare cash on weed. I am talking about £60-80 a week on the stuff along with tobacco. I am so frustrated that I am having to spend money on credit cards to pay for shopping sometimes when if he would just give up his habbit then we could be financially so much more comfortable. He doesn't do ' serious talks' and has real issues with expressing emotion. I told him yesterday if he doesn't stop then we have no future. He hasn't even acknowledge d what I've said!! What do I do? Kids would be devastated and they love him so much. Also I know he won't move out so where does that leave me? We have a joint mortgage on the house. Anybody been in a similar situation want to share their expereinces? Thanks.

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 17/02/2014 11:35

but 'meeting someone' is not everything.
quite frankly i would rather be alone with my children that with someone who spends their food money on drugs and leaves you stood at the checkout with your card refused! kind of a deal breaker you know?

NigellasDealer · 17/02/2014 11:36

*than not that

Original poster

milkysmum · 17/02/2014 11:36

Yes I feel quite lonely your right

OP posts:

gamerchick · 17/02/2014 11:37

you have the same chance as everybody else and the longer you wait for this loser to change the longer it'll be before you're happy and settled.

Yelp4help · 17/02/2014 11:43

Op remember the 'key' posters here claim high earnings, were in relationships spanning a much shorter duration, and are fiercely indepent. many, i'd speculate, live alone with their offspring. factor that into any decision you make.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 11:45

What on earth does the status of other posters have to do with the problem facing the OP Yelp4help... ?

NigellasDealer · 17/02/2014 11:47

yes i earn my own money and live alone with my 'offspring' (horrible term) what of it? does that negate my opinion?

Logg1e · 17/02/2014 11:51

I think your dossier must be more in depth than mine Yelp!

picklepig · 17/02/2014 11:53

My DH smoked for 20 years and gave up a year and a half ago. It makes me angry when people say that cannabis is a happy, cool, soft drug. What it is is a coping mechanism ( like an unhelpful anti-depressant) a duvet over unhappy feelings so you don't have to deal with your feelings about the world. It's an emergency exit and it's a very easy habit to acquire. It can be extraordinarily damaging to relationships. A persistent cannabis user will talk about all of its positive effects, from helping them concentrate to enabling them to work long hours to improving sex. They see it as their friend. It's all bullshit. I know exactly what you mean when you say you are lonely. It's because the emotional connection is blunted ( which is the whole point.)

My DH gave up because something clicked in his head. I think he realised he had stopped living. It wasn't easy (no sneaky toke EVER in any circumstance) but it is very possible. Problem is he has to want to. If he doesn't, I would recommend walking away. He has made his choice. Now he has given up we are much happier. Whenever we had a disagreement he would immediately self-medicate and avoid the situation, so nothing ever got sorted out. Now he can listen and empathise so i don't feel alone any more.

Original poster

milkysmum · 17/02/2014 12:01

Picklepig that is it exactly. I do think he is self medicating but has done it for so long he can't see it. Is there anything I can do to help him see it or is this something he has to figure out for himself?

OP posts:

Yelp4help · 17/02/2014 12:07

you know your partner better than us. any advice would just be blue sky thinking. my 2 pence, for what its worth, is to find how much is being spent on drugs, what amount that buys, and create a plan to lower use, and to save money. having a social life (you and dh) would also be important.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2014 12:08

All addicts (whether to a substance or a behaviour pattern) have to figure it out for themselves. You can provide support, of course, and you can offer an incentive by clearly presenting what is at risk if they fail to change, but they have to find their own motivation, take the initiative and drive the process personally.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 12:11

You can't make him see it

The most power you have here is to mean what you say. Leave him/make him leave if he refuses to seek real and practical help for his addiction.

Follow it through. Empty threats, as well as being a waste of energy, actually put you further into the shit as they erode the respect he has for you and the respect you have for yourself

Maybe it will jolt him into realising he doesn't want to lose his cosy family set up. Maybe it won't. That is not under your control. But whatever happens, you will no longer have to live under the shadow of a selfish user.

picklepig · 17/02/2014 12:13

Sigh. I think you have to stop thinking about his problems and focus on what is good for you. I would not accept living with a habitual cannabis user any more. However, I did for years because the apathy is contagious. I wish I hadn't - many years were wasted ( quite literally.)

Your husband is an addict, a drug user, a potential criminal and a poor life partner because of it. Addicts need their drug of choice, not want it. If he didn't need it he wouldn't have a shed specifically for the purpose! You both need to get your heads round the fact that he is not a fluffy lovely man who likes an occasional smoke at a party (this is the whole problem with weed PR).

I'm afraid you may have to make difficult choices in order to jolt him into a positive decision. I suspect it will not get better otherwise. Tell your parents, you need support. This is his problem, not yours. By hiding it you are enabling him x

Jan45 · 17/02/2014 12:19

£80 a week on a habit is just not justifiable, in any way, that's a lot of money that should be going on the family.

Other than give him an ultimatum I don't see what else you can do, it's up to him, even if he could cut down and show you he was at least trying but it sounds like he's not even interested in trying.

Original poster

milkysmum · 17/02/2014 12:20

my god I just went out to 'the shed' to ask dh if had thought about what I said and if he is willing to consider giving up weed. he told me he id not discussing it right now, he is watching the Olympics and shut the door in my face.

OP posts:

Talkingincircles · 17/02/2014 12:22

I could have written your post almost word for word OP. DH admits that he has a problem and is currently making an effort to cut down to occasional weekend use because he recognises that he is better, happier and more motivated when he doesn't smoke regularly. It has taken a long time and the realisation that it was starting to affect our relationship for him to reach this point and I can only hope he sticks to it. I'm not holding my breath to be honest although he's doing better this time than any previous attempts to cut down.

Jan45 · 17/02/2014 12:22

He doesn't want to face up to the fact that he's a selfish git or has a problem.

NigellasDealer · 17/02/2014 12:22

fucks sake - what a tosser - why is he not at work?

Talkingincircles · 17/02/2014 12:26

milky your dh is completely in denial that there is a problem. Mine was the same, nothing I said would make any difference. He is an addict, I have seen other posters here talk about the 3 'C's when talking about alcoholics, the same definitely applies here.

picklepig · 17/02/2014 12:26

By the way, he probably doesn't actually process what all of this is wrong because he's long-term stoned. As soon as any unpleasant thoughts begin he's back on top of it with the self medication. Until he is straight he won't be able to see the damage he's done. I was really lucky - I smoked it in my 20's. Then I began to hear voices and dropped it like a hot coal. Never touched it since. The really unlucky ones are the ones who think it does them no harm. It's an insidious waste of love and life.

Original poster

milkysmum · 17/02/2014 12:28

I donk know? it was raining this morning? he is a bricklayer so they dont go in if weather really bad. he will be sulking and annoyed that I am threatening to end things AGAIN! in his eyes he was a smoker when I met him so shouldnt be trying to change him. I am off this week on annual leave to look after the kids as its half term. he is a complete wanker isnt he

OP posts:

procrastinatingagain · 17/02/2014 12:28

My ex was and still is a pothead. Thankfully he's with someone else now, but smokes weed in front of dc . I need to raise that with him soon, but I don't think I'll get a great response. It's better than him living here and dc seeing it all the time. I occasionally smoke it myself, but not when dc is there, and I can take it or leave it.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 12:30

yes, he is a complete wanker

why aren't you both out at the park with the kids/some other wet play thingy ?

he should be making the most of unexpected time off work, not pissing the time away in his mancave

picklepig · 17/02/2014 12:30

Yes. I'm afraid he is. I'm sorry. You can't change anybody Milky, you can only change yourself. Be brave x

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread