In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

[alltoomuchnow]

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

Sorry i know these things happen but i cant understand how anyone can live a lie for 6 years. It must be horrible for all involved.

I would end it now OP while you can salvage something of your marriage. If you were really in love you both would of made the effort to leave your partners plenty have.

alltoomuchnow, I agree with the advice to seek a counsellor. If your dh needs to know why, cite stuff from your childhood. My impression from your statement of feeling suicidal may stem from the shame you may be feeling. Imho, and I do not mean this as a judgement, but it is good you can still feel shame. After burying feelings for such a period of time, sometime a kind of numbness can take over.

Consider a strategy to flip flop your emotional modus operandi: bury your feelings for OM and own your feelings of shame, remorse, and perhaps regret about the affair and reconnect with your husband and children and any other relationships that have been eclipsed by it. I would imagine it would be a process similar to grieving.

Continuing, imho, is not a good thing. Start a new hobby, get a puppy, get busy so you won't have a single spare minute to think about him. Hopefully you do not work with him. If so, consider changing jobs.

mumandboys, that's a very heartwrenching post and describes perfectly the 'got on with it' aspect; there was NO choice but to get on with it. I'm sorry for your pain.

I'm not going to be drawn on your personal circumstances, cottonbuds.
It's sad that you find my comment disgusting as I believe it was merely an opinion, just like yours is.

Oh well lying, there's another thing we don't agree with. It wasn't just me who found it offensive.

Handful and mumofboys have said it more eloquently than me. I'm guessing you haven't been cheated on either?!

Why do these threads always go this way???? Read handfuls posts earlier- couldn't have been fairer to the op, despite her personal experience which is still very raw.

It's a shame people like Dame can't be so gracious- making out any poster who has been cheated on and comments on this thread to be dramatic, bitter and treating cheaters 'worse than murderers'.

How can what Dane wrote NOT be offensive?? It's actually offensive to the op too. The op is saying its going to be difficult to just 'get on with it' (life) after this. It's belittling a very traumatic issue.

lying - yes they are and I have offered what I believe some impartial advice on here.

However, if I believe that a poster is painting all of those who have been cheated on in a 'there's 2 sides to every story' capacity then I will speak up and give my point of view.

You are not the only person to have been cheated on - harsh from you and unnecessary to get so personal. I know I am not the only person to be cheated on!

While I'm at it, you are not the only person on here giving advice so stop acting like you own this thread by giving cheap attacks.

Oh just jog on lying...who exactly made you the thread police???

Your comment to handful is condescending and patronising...

People in affairs are like addicts , they get addicted to the dopamine they get from the affair partner . Like most cheaters , you have simply found someone who is as broken as yourself .

How have you been in an affair for all these years and not educated yourself about what's really going on ? The idea of a big romance is childish and unrealistic. Affairs are about deceipt , selfishness , a lot of other things , but ultimately it is the betrayal of yourself . You have no idea the price tag on this until you are paying it .

It is outrageous that you feel you can make choices for your husband . You need serious counselling .

Mumofboys

You are a strong woman.

mumandboys I could have written your post myself. A powerful description of what it feels like. Anyone who isn't happy in a marriage has choices. It's the choices they make that indicate the level of respect they have for their partner. Anyone who claims that they are engaging in an affair and staying with a DH or DW to protect the feelings of others is utterly disingenuous

mamma, you know I have, I posted that on another thread that you were on - also this one.

I found mumandboys post very, very gutwrenching (I might have cross-posted with you?) - anyway, there's a difference between disagreeing with another poster and telling them what they can and can't post. mumandboys post really does say how it is, in my opinion. We don't all go through the exact same experiences in the same way even if the first event/catalyst was similar.

You and I will possibly disagree on many things, but I know that very occasionally, we'll accord. Even when we disagree, I'll respect your right to post what you want to post.

mamma .. Having just seen your 'jog on' post, I'd suggest that you just ignore mine from now on because they irk you so much. I don't care for your character assassinations much.

Dame already explained that she did not mean that affair victims should just get on with it. She meant that other people around the affair couple would just get on with it and not cast out the cheater. Ie that in RL, people don't always judge cheaters as harshly as they tend to be judged on here.

handful I apologise if you felt I was harsh or attacking you; it wasn't intentional and I'm sorry for my comment to you, I know you've been through a hell of a time.

Well the OP asked if anyone else had felt as desperate as she does and Mums post confirms what it's like - desperate.

LyingWitch, I've just read your post (20:49) and what you said has made me evaluate things. I know that I will never, ever reveal my affair to anyone in RL (that is one of the reasons it has continued for so long). It is not just from the knowledge that I would be despised and reviled, totally and absolutely. Ultimately it is because I want to protect my children and yes, I dont want to lose their love for me. It would have been very easy, in an emotional moment, to confide in someone in RL but I never have.

I have been very selfish and some will see me chosing not to confess as being even more selfish. But I know my family better than anyone in this world and to confess would be totally devestating for them. This will be ridiculous in the eyes of some, I know. I know what I have done and I want to protect them. And for those who might think I'm taking the easy way out I am not. I will live with this for the rest of my life and I will always live with the fear that it may still be discovered. To tell my family would destroy them, of that I am 100% certain.

You are right LyingWitch, the only way I can do this (confession or not) is without OM in my life. And that is what I have to do. I love OM and although I may well be ridiculed, I know that he loves me. I am not proud of what I have done and I am sorry for those who have lived through the repercussions of an affair. I am not being patronising or flippant and it was never my intention to seek drama from this post. I am where I am and I have to sort this out in the best way that I possibly can. Thank you for the good, sound advice.

I think you're probably right that this isn't the right place to post OP. However for what it's worth if you are coming down on the side of staying in your marriage I see absolutely no benefit in coming clean with your husband, you will just cause unnecessary pain and there's a very good chance he'll decide he doesn't want you anyway. In this case, for your DH ignorance is bliss.

What character assassination??? What because I didn't say 'yes boss' when you try to control the thread??

I didn't remember that you'd been cheated on, there are a lot of threads and a lot of posters. I'm surprised that you don't understand why some might think dames comments flippant then.

I will not 'ignore' your comments- unfortunately you do not get to control who responds, how they resond, or what they respond.

Good luck with it all, OP. it will be very hard but you WILL come out the other side.

Thank you lying, I don't tend to put my personal experiences on other people's threads unless it's to help them but the generalisation of affairs got to me and I rarely get angry.

I have been objective on here, even though I don't agree with affairs. They hurt many, many people.

I'm going to leave this thread now as it seems to have turned into many personal attacks which is sad.

OP - I wish you the best and hope you do the right thing.

mamma and

I actually agree with a lot of what you've posted lying, I just couldn't disagree more with Dames comments and your support of them.

I also disagree with your comments to handful...if you read her earlier comments she was very very fair. I've always admired how fair she is when commenting on these threads and always think how much kinder she is than I am!!

alltoomuchnow

I cannot pretend to have any knowledge on how you may be feeling however I would like to give you my opinion.

You are living a double life. 6 years is not an affair it's a relationship you love two people and you are in two relationships at the same time. I take it your husband has no idea that this is going on?

We have the capacity to love more than one person at a time however as we know it is deemed 'Morally Reprehensible' You may think you have a choice to make however in retrospect you don't as your 'OM' has already established in his mind he will not be leaving his Wife or Children which leaves you in turmoil as this is a man you deeply love but you know that to him you will never be more than a sordid secret.

To protect yourself end this now or Armageddon may show itself in the form of your husband discovering your affair and choosing to break up the family of his own will.

I end with a quote that I read today in a low brow newspaper, I think this May give you food for thought in your current situation.

'If you love two people at the same time, choose the second because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second'

Thank you handful
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