In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

[alltoomuchnow]

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

Yes- I agree with hogwash...it's been suggested many times you should have some counselling.

I think this is imperative whatever you decide to do

Alltoomuch I don't know if you're still here and reading but if you are, your situation sounds like the one my mother was in 40 years ago. She married my father when they were both rebounding from previous relationships: in her case her ex-boyfriend was a student who had a fiancee "back home". He apparently didn't realise how strong his feelings for my mum were until he was married and it was too late. They both cut off all contact with each other and my mum met and married my dad. It took them 10 years before they had me, which says more about their relationship than about their ability to conceive.
By a complete fluke they met again (my mum answered the phone to a wrong number at work, and it was him: there was no way he could have known where she was in the pre-internet days) and they realised they still had strong feelings for each other. They met a few times to talk and discussed leaving their families, taking me with them, to be together, but decided the fallout would be too horrendous and didn't do it. My mum says she was also worried about my dad would do to her and to me as he's a vindictive, emotional bully. But she stayed with him as she felt she had no choice.
My mum never met up with her true love again, but they did occasionally phone each other when times got too tough with their respective partners (his wife was similar to my father). He died a few years ago and my mother only found out by trawling back issues of his local paper for an obituary as she says she just knew something was wrong.
FWIW, having seen my mum stuck in a loveless, destructive marriage, I really wish she'd followed her heart and been able to have a happier life than the one she ended up with.

Very different for me as I was the ow of a teacher of mine from the age of 14 and it was as much abuse as it was an affair. However one of his major arguments for not leaving his wife for several years (the affair went on- one way or another- for 7 years by which time I was an adult and broke free of the abuse) was that she was "happier" with the lie than she would have been with the truth.

It seems very odd to me- and did then too- than anyone could think they had a right to decide someone else's life for them.

No judgement from me OP, I've done a lot of things and most of them immoral, but the truth will out and you need to come to terms with that I think.

Jesus it's sickening that posters who are roundly condemning affairs are being told they are badly behaved and harsh. If more RL friends and family would tell people who are having affairs to stop being so fucking selfish, like people on this thread, maybe people would stop whinging on about their heartache over choosing to fuck someone else behind their family's back.

All cheaters say they won't tell as they want to protect their spouse , when really they are protecting themselves . The only certain way to kill this affair is to expose it to your H . You could do this in counselling if you preferred , but ultimately it should be his choice about whether he wants to stay in the marriage . To do otherwise is incredibly emotionally abusive .

If you don't do this there's every chance you'll either end up back in touch with mm , or susceptible to another affair as the reasons for this will never be dealt with . Often people have other issues in their life that also need to be addressed .

You will also live in fear of it coming out as it often does . He may feel guilty himself and confess himself. You would be amazed at how these things come out , often years later. No cheaters are that carefull and almost all leave some evidence.

The grass is greener where you water it Op . Either be fully in your marriage or fully out .

done the first two but not the second two

What a mess. I would not be surprised if it is all about to be revealed in real life. You haven't really explained why things must change now. I wonder if your anxiety levels have reached fever pitch because on some level you know it is all about to come tumbling down.

No wonder you feel suicidal. I can feel my stomach in knots just imagining being in your shoes. It must be dreadful to know you are about to cause so much pain to the people you would normally try and protect.

Maybe a good question would be to the husband's and wife's who have been cheated on. Would you rather just never have known?

sympathetic post 'rainbowsmiles'

From OP:

It is not just from the knowledge that I would be despised and reviled, totally and absolutely. Ultimately it is because I want to protect my children and yes, I dont want to lose their love for me. It would have been very easy, in an emotional moment, to confide in someone in RL but I never have.

I have been very selfish and some will see me chosing not to confess as being even more selfish. But I know my family better than anyone in this world and to confess would be totally devestating for them. This will be ridiculous in the eyes of some, I know. I know what I have done and I want to protect them. And for those who might think I'm taking the easy way out I am not. I will live with this for the rest of my life and I will always live with the fear that it may still be discovered. To tell my family would destroy them, of that I am 100% certain.

^ So is you having the affair or them finding out about the affair that will 1005 'destroy them'?

100% not 1005

I feel for the ops anguish. That made me sad to read your desperation. However...I can't believe you feel this strongly about them not finding out but continued it for 6 years! You must be unhappy with your husband?

I love OM and although I may well be ridiculed, I know that he loves me.

If that were true you would be together wouldn't you. Maybe you do love him but it's clear that he does not feel so strongly about you.

We have the capacity to love more than one person at a time however as we know it is deemed 'Morally Reprehensible'

It's not morally reprehensible to love more than one person at a time. Whatever gave you that idea. There is nothing at all wrong with loving two people.

It's lying about it that is morally wrong. OP should tell her dh that she loves someone else and, if he's ok with that, she can live her life loving two men at once. Of course, if he's not ok with that then she runs the risk of losing him.

Ah, but there you go. That's why she won't tell him. Poor sod.

I know Harry, it's not the telling that will destroy it is the affair itself.

I'm trying to imagine being the OPs husband. Would I rather hear from her now and deal with it all now or find out 10 years down the line.

I would want to be told. I'd feel like he was stealing my life from me. And the thought of hearing it from someone else. No. I'd hope he'd do the right thing and tell me. Keeping it secret would not be helping or protecting me. It would only be helping and protecting him.

I can understand how hard it would be but the truth really does set us free.

OP - It must be painful to know the OM has ultimately chosen his wife over you after so much time and love between the two of you. No one "has" to stay married. He could leave and he hasn't. Six years. Do you feel used at all? Or is it all just so lonely because you have this great love that can't be discussed?

Leaving both men may be the answer. Have some alone time. Reflect on what happened. More married men will come along in the future (they are always around, available, willing and persistent) and before it starts, but after interest is expressed, you will stop and think, "Do I want to be this man's mistress?" You will be older and wiser and will be able to weigh that decision with maturity despite interference from lust or infatuation. Married men are easy. Sadly, it's up to the OW, or potential OW, to protect these straying married men from themselves.

But, that is you in the future. Now, you are in a bad place. You need to grieve the loss of this relationship without any empathy or support. So many women HATE a home wrecker. You get no sympathy from them. I mean, that is just the reality - the nature of the beast, really, not so much judgment call. (Perhaps this is not unlike what closeted gay people experience - they are unable to get emotional support for the demise of relationship no one knew they were having.)

Anyway, this is my first post on mumsnet. Long time lurker. Such great advice here.

Agree with ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles. I don't see why anyone should be condemned for feeling affairs are wrong. Im no saint - but Im not a cheat and I don't feel any empathy for cheats. Theres no great mystery to an affair, as I see it. 2 people shagging around with each other whilst keeping it hidden from their respective partners is just sordid, its not love's great dream. If they truly cared about each other theyd end the affair to be with each other. The real selfishness is wanting to hold onto the comfortable familiarity of their marriage/family lives, wanting to keep up the illusion of a solid marriage to family and friends, whilst taking the absolute piss out of their respective partners. Sorry if I don't want to handwring with you OP, but that's not me being anybody's moral judge..I don't care about your morals. Its the cheating and lying aspect that I find distasteful. The innocent parties have no say in whether they want to put up with this kind of thing or not, due to your and OM's lies. You can vent on here, you can talk to OM..but his wife and your husband don't know a thing.

There've been several 'OW' threads on here recently. Like them you'll probably get all caught up in 'posters are judging me' which really, is not the main issue. & you'll gain strength from those posters with an 'oh poor you' attitude, as if you've been done a great wrong. Which, of course, you haven't at all. You'll ignore the 'common decency' good advice alongside that, but its the best advice for you to follow. Some of the 'condoning' posters would no doubt say very different if it were their partners having an affair. If you're here with a need to talk and vent its because your man wants to leave you and you don't know how to cope with that. Be relieved you at least have somewhere to talk and vent anonymously.

I don't believe in "home wreckers". You can't "steal" a husband - if you have been having an affair with this man, and for so long, there was something seriously wrong in your respective marriages to begin with.

You are living a lie, and you are a fool if you think your children won't be damaged by the fact that there is not a real relationship between their parents. Because they do notice.

The OM may not be willing to leave his wife, but you obviously don't love your husband (not as you should love your partner, anyway). Staying in a loveless marriage is soul-killing.

I would recommend therapy, honestly. And leaving.

OP. I'm thinking that you probably posted in the hope that there were other posters who could identify with your position, tell you that you are a good person really, you're a victim yourself, maybe you could help yourself get more out of your situation by doing x,y,z. Viola. Vindicated.

When my uncle got 30 odd years for raping his step daughters, my dad believed he was innocent, until he visited him in jail and heard him praising the rapists/peodophiles he was sharing a wing with. Apparently he referred to one of these men as "a good fella". My dad didn't visit again. My point is, some people will agree with you, some people with identify with you - it doesn't make you innocent, it just makes them guilty.

Key difference being rape is illegal - affairs aren't. I think the OP is feeling lousy enough without the judgements, bitterness and comparisons to criminals!

I doubt people not condoning it are a seething mass of bitterness, just because theyre not coming from the 'poor you' angle. Since when did not agreeing with something make a person bitter? Nonsensical. I cant see what there is to sympathise about, just because someone's been having their cake and suddenly cant eat it any more. Theres nothing worthy about being an enabler for a man who needs a diversionary shag. Theyre 10 a penny. Still..maybe there could be a separate OW board; there probably is, somewhere. Somewhere they can pour their hearts out when ole Casanova heads for the hills, then all the other OW + assorted sympathisers can chat, vent, play violins to their hearts content . It'd make OW who've been royally dumped feel better, wouldn't it. Mumsnet isn't the best place, alongside thread after thread from women whove been shat on by their DHs. Oh, the irony....

Wasn't sympathising actually. I think OP should be on her own and hope her DH meets someone one day who can treat and respect him properly. But I do find the 'burn the witch' tone of some of the posts disturbing. Some very angry people out there - while being cheated on/left is devastating it's not a free pass to start dishing out abuse and judgement. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know affairs are wrong - OP knows that. We all do.

Was just pointing out - correctly - that affairs aren't illegal so the reference to rape/paedophilia etc was a bit... Don't know what word to use other than random.

Is this post genuine? Sometimes I think people write these things and then sit back and watch us all fall out!

Are some of you on glue? I haven't seen a single post condoning affairs or saying that OP should carry on. Almost every poster has advised OP to end the affair, those that bothered to give advice that is.

I don't care what your stories are. OP posted about feeling suicidal and you come onto the thread to jeer, lash out and cackle like hyenas. You should be ashamed but then again,you'd have to have some grace for that. Disgusting.

I just said I think that she should be on her own.
No glue here.