In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

[alltoomuchnow]

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

You've had some bloody great advice from the last few posters alone.

I think it's just that you're not hearing what you want to hear. I'm not sure what that is, I'm not sure you even know...

Been a long time since I got flowers scorned. thank you

my ex husband had a very long affair that ran into years. He eventually left me, pregnant with our third child, for the other woman. It didn't go well for any of us and their guilt was enormous. Over 5 years later I can tell you that he hasn't 'moved on' in any way, shape or form but that my life is quiet and happy and I am glad that he left. We had been living a lie for some time - like you, the relationship was a happy one, we got on well, we did everything together. I had no idea what was going on behind my back - my ex husband came home every night, on time. He picked up the phone if I called him during the day. He kissed me goodbye every morning and hello every evening. It was truly dreadful and I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy (including my ex!).

I don't think much of you. People who have affairs are incredibly selfish. Your husband deserves the opportunity to have a peaceful, decent life with someone who genuinely loves him. You should give him that opportunity. Unfortunately, the nature of the beast is 'cake and eating it', isn't it? You need to stop pretending to yourself that it's difficult or complex or impossible because it isn't. Let him go and hold your head up and accept the consequences of your behaviour. A dignified, honest approach to splitting will go along, long way to building a decent future for you both and your children.

I am not condoning any of this but to be in a situation where you cant see a way out cant be nice and for that you have my sympathy.
How have you managed to hide it for that long?!

Been a long time since I got flowers scorned. thank you

Me too scorned, thank you from me x

If you leave the OM your feelings for your DH will return and i promise, it wont be as painful as you think.

... and wild horses wouldn't be able to divert his attention from his wife if he loved her. Two sides to a blade...

I think that MNHQ should step in with a reminder of what 'Relationships' board is about because if somebody posts for help they should receive it (and do receive it for anything else at all) - or at least be ignored because posters don't want to talk to them. I've not seen an OW thread on here where the OW doesn't admit that affairs are wrong. Everybody knows they're wrong, nobody's disputing that.

Some posters are now saying that the title of the thread is patronising and that it's to prevent flaming... it hasn't done a very good job then, has it? OP has asked for comments and isn't criticising anybody who gives them. I think that laying into somebody who posts for help is pretty crass though and some of the posts are very harsh.

And yes, sortyourmakeupout, your post should be reported but I'm not going to, it should stand because it says an awful lot about you.

OP, you have my sympathy. I can only advise like others, that if you make a break it will hurt, but things start to get better from that point, I don't think things can be worse for you than they are now if you end it with OM.

I think you know what to do, you sound really, really unhappy and I agree that you need to find a therapist to talk about this in real life.

Op no one hates you. Its the level of deception that is disgusting.

Lying, I am with you. Anyone posting in relationships in pain and unhappy deserves advice or support or at worst ignoring. It's not AIBU.

The relationships board has always been the same OP... owned by a few posters, different ones over time but always coming out with the same old stuff. Very biased against affairs, OW, also any men who happen to post on here. I am in a similar situation to you and know exactly how you feel, although things have gone a bit further down the line for me. Truth is all affairs are different and for different reasons, IF the marriage(s) are unhappy but you feel you can't leave because of DCs is makes for a very difficult and heart breaking situation. I had no one to talk to in RL but have been seeing a counsellor which of course is confidential so you could give that try for some more balanced advice?

Please don't carry on this selfish destructive behaviour because I am talking from experience and being on the receiving end of this is absolutely horrific. Please please either shit or get off the pot.

Lyingwitch-im not sure therevis anything to report.

another poster said she is probablymjust mm fuck. Are you going to fight everyone's battles for them.

OP - I have absolutely no personal experience of the situation you're in, from either perspective. But I think you've been at the receiving end of some very harsh comments on this thread regardless of what's going on - and particularly when you came on here asking for help.

I do think you've got to make a choice though – you really can't let things carry on as they are – and unfortunately there probably is every chance that your kids will take this very badly indeed. I hope you find a way through this that causes the minimum possible emotional damage to all concerned

I truly do not think that the relationship board is anything other than mirroring what our society is. Affairs, OW/OM are not looked upon well in our society. It is for this very reason that some come on here tormented and upset because they CAN'T talk to people in RL because they know what most will say. Personally I think this thread has on the whole been as supportive to the OP as she needs and as we all know it will be her decision in the end. This is after all just a bunch of strangers telling their stories and experiences they have had we are not counsellors.

I don't think it's just relationship board where you'd get this reaction.

Gather up a 1000 women of all ages, religions, backgrounds. Etc and I think you'd get the same reaction.

She is getting advice- to stop seeing him, or split with her husband...and to think of her children before herself...

Ok, a few posters have been harsh but really, that's going to happen isn't it??! People in general don't like cheating...people on relationships board even less so!!

OP everyone appears to be saying your DC's will take this badly. Mine didn't, they took it all in their stride, it's now 6 years ago and there has been difference.

I just did comment on that posters post, Sortyourmakeupout. If you don't see anything wrong with your FIRST post where you referred to OP as a slag, MM just wants to get his leg over, OP having self-esteem on floor with knickers yada yada then you don't. I haven't any more time for you.

alltoomuchnow... That has been some really good advice on this thread from other posters. Really take some time to think about where you go from here. You're in an untenable position and you've got to go forward somehow. It's never going to be easy to break up with your OM but if he won't leave his family, that's all you can really do. To keep things going any longer will continue to eat away at you and you'll keep running the risk of discovery.

I would say to you that, as you're capable of maintaining status quo, keeping the secret, you could undertake to do just that BUT with the difference of OM out of the picture. Everything you do from that point forward can be 'honest' and it's only you that will bear the pain. If it were me, I think that is what I might do. I'm not you though OP, you will have to think very carefully, work through all the scenarios. I know that you're analytical enough to do that and I think you will quickly come to the decision that you need to, one way or the other.

Keep posting here for support. You WILL get it.

Voddies... Not at all a mirror of RL in my opinion. MN is not a representative sample at all and this board even less so. I would say that in RL, people accept that affairs happen because they do. This board gives great advice on a huge range of subjects but there seems to be a 'blindspot' when it comes to affairs and some posters just congregate to lash out.

When I was cheated on, I would have avoided a thread like this like the plague. Each to their own but as I said earlier, this is nobody's 'playground' and neither is it a platform for spite.

Fair enough lying . Personally I try not to come over too bitter and can only offer my advice from my own experience. But as you say maybe there is a blindspot.

dameednasbridesmaid - I'm glad your DCs are okay. I personally wouldn't take the risk as to my DS's reaction if I had an affair for 6 days let alone 6 years.

You did hit the crux of the matter, Voddies, there's nobody for OW/OM to turn to. I didn't think you sounded bitter at all, just helpful. Nobody is going to be patting OP's back but I think that many of us can spot the fix that she's in and feel sympathy or empathy at the pain that she cannot avoid.

Lyingwitch, wind your neck in goodness sake.

If you have anything else to say send me a pm. Your taking up too much of the thread having little pops at me.

if it makes you feel better, by all means report my post.