In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

[alltoomuchnow]

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

Yes- that is a powerful anology scorned.

mamma do a search of bonsoir's posts over the weekend, and you will find the explanation for why she has come on this thread to have a pop at me

Lyingwitch - report me if you wish.

I wonder if this mans wife is on here giving advice!

op knows what she must do. Either way, make a choice.

I dont hate women, I hate cheating and to me it is black and white.

OP look at it this way. If you hated your dh and wanted to do the worst possible thing to him that would cause him the most pain, this affair is it.

Now how can you say you love him

Please tell me what 'love' looks like to you because it sure isn't the same thing to me.

Op I think you know most of what people are saying here, I expect you have thought it of yourself a thousand times. I think you were hoping for more practical advice and I am not sure you will find it here.

There is no 'pain free' option here, but you know that

Op look at it this way. If you hated your dh and wanted to to the worst thing to him that would cause him the most pain, this affair is it.

I think that's what this is and it sums up exactly how it felt for me and my DC's when it happened to us. We're not upset any more OP and your thread doesn't 'trigger' anything for me because it's all so pedestrian I'm afraid. Do what you like. Continue, stop, whatever.

Why now, after 6 years? I'm guessing as he has young DCs, at least one of them was born within those 6 years? Why didn't you walk away then?

I don't believe that it's hard to leave and it's a relationship - it is a fantasy life, a double life. It brings deceit in all areas of your life, each time you kiss and hug your DCs, each time you get into bed next to your DH, each time you celebrate a birthday.

I was one of those pre-teens who found out about my DF's long term affair before my DM did. I carried on in pained silence as I didn't want to hurt my DM but it all came out in the end. Almost 30 years of hate, anger and disrespect towards my DF.

How do you know that your OM isn't / hasn't slept with others in that space of time? you are putting far more at risk than just sexual health. Do the right thing.

For what it's worth, I think putting a warning on your post is a little patronising, I am the DW who caught her H having an affair and I am in the process of divorce - that doesn't mean to say that I judge everyone who has affairs or get angry or upset at certain topics, I can still offer advice/my opinion. I feel it was more for your benefit to keep away those who may flame you which was proven up thread when you pointed your warning out to another poster.

OP you sound desperate, I think you know you must end the relationship with OM.

I suggest getting support from a non-judgemental counsellor before, during and after the break-up.

If you loved your DH, you would never have cheated on him.
If OM really loved you, he would be with you, not his DW.

I suspect you are both very unhappy in your respective marriages, but the "rush" you get from your affair is making you believe otherwise. You cannot be happy with someone you have decieved for six years. And I'm betting he knows something is up, and if your children are teenagers, they probably suspect something as well.

You need to do the right thing. End your affair, tell your DH the truth so that he can get himself checked and so he knows exactly why his marriage broke up. Then, go and be on your own and sort your head out without hurting any more innocent people.

"I have feelings and don't know how to cope anymore" Boo hoo for you as others have said you made your choice and have continued it for 6 years! As a person who found out about a 2 and a half year affair my DP had it is devastating. All the lies, the deceit, all I can say is that I am glad our DS was young and didn't understand. We have worked through it and a year on from discovery we are still rebuilding what we once had. He admits that he did not put me or his CHILDREN (my dss as well as our ds) first for over 2 years, that was one of the most destructive things that we had to work on. The fact he didn't put me first was one thing but the fact he sidelined his children for her was so bad. You have done this to your children for 6 years!

I really hope you come to some sort of decision because to continue the way you are is going to cause a whole lot of hurt and most of it will fall on the innocent ones in all of this, the children.

at 'who knows how/whether her kids would be affected'

Saying that, you know the awful thing is there is some 'truth' in that.

Some kids will act fine about it - mature, understanding, supportive.

They won't be feeling that way or they will be in deep denial. However much they try to push those feelings down, however it manifests itself in their lives. How can it not? Their mother was absent in mind and heart and willing to lie to them all (and yes she will have told those children lies) for six years.

Cottonbuds....i agree that was the reason for her warning. How inconvenient getting negative comments, reminding her that, you know...cheating is a shitty thing to do!!!

I suspect that you don't love your DH, you love the life that goes with him - DC's, house, hols, friends, family etc.

You clearly love the OM and if you finish your affair, your marriage will then be exposed as the sham it is.

I had an affair much along the same lines. I liked my life, didn't want any disruption to the DC's life, thought I could manage both. I couldn't.

My marriage ended very messily, my teenage DC's took it all in their stride. OM's marriage ended even more messily. But affair or not, ending our marriages would have been hard, as neither my DH or his DW wanted the marriages to end, despite what we had done.

I realise that whatever I say in this thread will undoubtedly cause offence and that is why I put up the title as I did. It was not intended to be patronising.

It's made me re confirm my view that the relationships board is pretty much "owned" by a certain poster and woe betide you if you do post something along the lines that I have. I am not a drama llama anyfucker, I would've posted long ago if that was the case. It's taken me a long time to build up my confidence to post on here. I realise how much I'm hated. Yes, you can dismiss me, so be it. I just hope that you are never at a point in your life whereby when you just might be feeling desperate that you are ridiculed.

Yes, I've done wrong and yes people can slate/hate me and vent their anger at me. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I don't know exactly what I hoping to achieve from posting here. I think that was yet another mistake on my part.

I don't have someone in RL to talk to so maybe that's why I did, out of sheer desperation. The advice I have been given has been hugely valuable, thank you for that. And contrary to what several of you may think I am taking that good advice from here.

handful, wisey & voddie xx

alltoomuch - why are you so angry? You made your choices. Your DH & DC's are unwitting passengers on a road you have chosen. It is them I pity.

alltoomuchnow no judgement, no advice, but a very, very unmumsnetty (((hug)))

Op...relationships board is NOT owned by anybody.

I'm truly sorry you feel desperate but really, being hated/slated called a dram llama is nothing compared to what your dh would call you/feel if he found out!

Also...why do you have nobody in rl to discuss this with?? Is it because they would be shocked/upset/disappointed in you? Is it because you feel ashamed?

Your life isn't a lie OP. Your husband's is. It's a mirage. The life he thinks he is living doesn't exist. For the love of god, don't ever tell him you have been shagging somebody else for 6 years. It will wreck his head and it is hard to know how he would ever get over knowing that the last 6 years of his life have been one big lie. If you want to do some damage limitation, either tell your husband you don't love him and want to split up. Only tell him precisely why if you want to torture him. Or alternatively, end it for good with the other man and spend the rest of your days making up to your husband
The self absorbed tone of your posts suggests you will do neither of the above.

Read that, then read it again.

Your poor husband.

I don't think any poster on here has expressed hatred for you (apart from the slag comment) and I for one take offence to you saying that.

You posted to ask for advice and from what I have read, that is what you have got, wide ranging opinions on your situation.

Let me put it another way, if you love your DCs, don't do this to them and much as I believe in telling the truth, do not ever let them know how long this double life has been going on.

This board as far as I can see is not 'owned' by a certain type of poster, a lot have been through the pain of betrayal, but offer advice all the same to those who ask for support. I will offer support to anyone who shows remorse, regardless of my own circumstances - can you tell me where your remorse is? All I have read is how this is affecting you and what you could lose - not about the deceit towards those who you say you love. Yet - I still don't judge you, I haven't the right to do that.

You got married and you had children and that's that. I completely understand on some level, about your feelings for OM etc. etc. but this is a cut and dried situation from a logical perspective. I have nothing but respect for single mums - but not when it's though a selfish CHOICE. It will break your children's hearts if you let this continue. Stop the affair right now and focus on your husband and children. If, let's say, everyone finds out, you and him are together......what about your children? I feel like, in all honesty (maybe it's pathetic!) that my life as I knew it ended when I had my kids, they are pretty much all I care about. I enjoy and care about all sorts of other stuff, and I love my husband. But my kids, and the unit of our family, is of paramount importance. Think of your children please, please, please. Don't tell anyone, it won't help. Just end it, book a holiday with your family. Enjoy them and what you've created together. NOTHING is more important, I don't think it's relevant how much you love this OM. Sorry to sound harsh, but I came from a broken home, and so did a few of my closest friends. The ripple effect from a family being destroyed by selfishness....it really knows no bounds. Good luck X

More bloody OW whinging. OP its not as if a poster here is going to make a lightbulb go on in your head re. 'the right advice' is it? You're not going to say 'oh this poster said that yes, that's what I'll do'. You know the right thing to do, like many other OW you just want to be on here going round the houses about it instead of putting your energy where it belongs - stay with your OM, or tell him to piss off, or stay with your DH or tell him you want out. You don't want to make those decisions and you think chest-beating on here as well as moaning that all posters aren't in sympathy with you, will have a productive outcome on a situation that wont change right now unless you change it...? ok then....