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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

641 replies

alltoomuchnow · 16/02/2014 14:28

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

OP posts:
Auntimatter · 18/02/2014 07:08

Blimey, there's some nastiness on this thread!! Calm down, folks. She can't be having an affair with ALL your husbands!

OP: you do need to get out of this situation and find a happier way forward (with no more than one man: far less trouble!). Don't blame you at all for not telling the screaming mob what you're going to do. But for everyone's sake, do it.

Not sure about counselling: wouldn't that just be a way to put off the decision? Think you need to bite the bullet and then pick up the pieces.

everlong · 18/02/2014 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowsmiles · 18/02/2014 08:22

"My children are the most important things to me and I will not jeopardise their happiness"

But you have. You've already done that. For 6 years and counting. That's done. It can only be damage limitation now. Own that.

Try being truthful. I can feel my sympathy for you drain away as your lies continue.

Bonsoir · 18/02/2014 08:24

Why so many gratuitously nasty posts?

FWIW, OP, DC are not necessarily harmed at all by the divorce of their parents.

Lazyjaney · 18/02/2014 08:26

"Blimey, there's some nastiness on this thread!! Calm down, folks. She can't be having an affair with ALL your husbands!"

Given that on MN Relationships virtually no one ever was/is/will be an OW yet c 99% of the bastard menfolk did/are/will have affairs, it's clear that a very small number of women are kept very busy Grin

(I agree, this thread says more about the frequent posters' issues than about the OP)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/02/2014 08:32

I fully understand my situation. What I am struggling with hugely, desperately and at times almost suicidally is ending it.

"Almost suicidally" alltoomuchnow2014 if you haven't a RL person to confide in, and want to say the words out loud please talk to The Samaritans tel 08457 90 90 90 or e-mail them, [email protected]

AnyFucker · 18/02/2014 08:45

Everlong,, can I still come to the doghouse if I don't have a dog ? Smile

Oblomov · 18/02/2014 08:51

I am struggling to see what OP is getting out if this thread.
She doesn't seem to have moved on , even after nearly 500 posts.

But, presumably, this is because every post that contains truth, is do hard for her to hear, that she just can't face it.

Her OP. Then her saying relationships wasn't the right place to post. Then blaming AF, for owning the board, whilst ignoring the good and balanced 300 other posts.

It seems , she is so incredibly self absorbed, that she just can't hear anything that is being said to her.

Where is this thread going ?

FatherJake · 18/02/2014 09:12

OP, assuming this isn't a windup, what you need to get to grips with is that your children aren't the most important thing to you. By your actions to date, and whatever you do now, it is categorically clear that you view both yourself and the OM as more important than your own children - if your children were of primary importance then your affair would not have lasted 6 years.

Theconstantlygardening · 18/02/2014 09:19

I think you are being a tad unfair ob with those comments.
It's VERY hard to please everyone or anyone on this forum.
The OP is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't: posting again on same topic under another name (? so what- is that a crime?)Not responding to comments, responding too much, not telling us what she intends to do, then being criticised if she does.....

I don't come on this forum very much now because threads like this just sicken me TBH.

Too many egos who seem to think this thread is a kind of sport, too many people hiding behind the anon facility, too many people who can't see beyond their own hurt and their responses to that.

yes, there are some good posts and people trying to be helpful, but a lot of it is playground stuff- from 'grown up' women Hmm

OP- do consider counselling. A BACP counsellor would be struck off if they divulged anything. Confidentiality is paramount. You need to unpick why you kept this affair going for so long even though you knew it was going nowhere. You might well love your DH but you are kidding yourself if you think you can pick up your marriage as if nothing has been going on without having some help to process your emotions and move forward.

Good luck.

Theconstantlygardening · 18/02/2014 09:20

Father- why this idea that the children are being hurt? They don't have to be.

mammadiggingdeep · 18/02/2014 09:23

Oblomov...
Couldn't agree more!!!

The op has hardly responded to some very good advice but jumped on one posters comments.

Ok op so, you're going to finish with mm. Have you ever tried to do this- do you think it will be a straight forward break or will he make it hard?

Bonsoir · 18/02/2014 09:25

It's very unfair to think that the OP will or should find a solution to her six-year problem after a couple of days of this thread! Let alone enact it.

mammadiggingdeep · 18/02/2014 09:46

Of course not bonsoir. However, the only time she seems to have really engaged is to respond to AF.

I don't get what she wanted from this thread.

I'm not knocking the op I just don't get it.

Bonsoir · 18/02/2014 09:49

I think she probably wanted to know whether someone could come up with a good original idea for solving her problem!

No-one has. But it was worth a try (and it certainly didn't deserve all the hatred and vitriol she received).

Theconstantlygardening · 18/02/2014 09:52

mamma- when you say you don't know what she wanted from the thread, are you being provocative or do you mean what you wrote?

If, by saying you don't know what she wanted from the thread, you mean she hasn't posted and thanked everyone profusely for the advice, and told us what she is planning on doing, then that's your own needs surely not being met?

Posters don't have to act on anything anyone suggests or even agree with suggestions made. It's quite possible for posters to read and reflect off the forum. No one who posts responses has any right to an answer, or a thanks.

Bonsoir · 18/02/2014 09:53

A (childhood) friend of my DP is 48 and has been married for years to a woman he met when he was 18. They have two daughters. The friend also has an OW - he is a surgeon and the OW is his assistant. They have been together for ten years and the whole hospital knows it. The OW is married and has DC.

DP's friend isn't particularly happy or proud of the situation but he doesn't know how to resolve it. Both women are an absolutely integral part of his life and who he is. He cannot give just one of them up for the other. He really needs to give both of them up and find a single women who can meet all his needs, but the chances of that are nil.

Life isn't always easy.

Theconstantlygardening · 18/02/2014 10:06

Ah.. that's the French for you :)

Bonsoir · 18/02/2014 10:09

Yup. Apparently it's very common among HCPs - hospitals and clinics are professionally deeply incestuous.

Theconstantlygardening · 18/02/2014 10:14

It's dealing with death all day that does it- just like during the war(s).

Bonsoir · 18/02/2014 10:16

The friend in question doesn't have that excuse - he's an orthopaedic surgeon and spends his days repairing Achilles' tendons and doing hip replacements!

He admits it's very boring and repetitive - I think that's got more to do with it!

CharleneFarrell · 18/02/2014 11:07

The DC's don't always get hurt. It depends on how the adults handle it.
Some women are so preoccupied with their hatred of their X that they put their DC in very difficult positions.

mammadiggingdeep · 18/02/2014 12:22

No, I mean that I don't get the thread- sorry. Maybe I'm thick?? Genuinely.

Theconstantlygardening · 18/02/2014 12:31

what is there not to get??????

QueenoftheSarf · 18/02/2014 12:36

The fact that affairs never reflect what real life with that other person would actually be like in large part explains why people are often prepared to stay in them for so long.