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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

641 replies

alltoomuchnow · 16/02/2014 14:28

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 17/02/2014 23:58

Was it ever decided what the op is going to do?

Same comments being made on page 18 as pretty much the whole thread- with the same options being suggested.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/02/2014 00:04

I'm not 'disappointed in you', AF, you're a fellow-poster and that's the extent of my interest in you. I think your posts have been out of line on this thread and have said so. You can call it what you want, I call it troll-hunting and I think we're at an impasse here.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2014 00:10

yup

Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 00:10

She said she was going to 'put it right' mamma so that's as clear as mud.

clarinsgirl · 18/02/2014 00:17

alltoomuchnow2014 I think you know you need to end your relationship with the MM and I hope you find the strength to do so soon.

I don't believe that this alone will solve your problems. You have lied to your DH for 6 years and I think that you need to step back and look at how you really feel about him. Be honest with yourself. I don't believe that either of your relationships has a long term future.

You sound distraught, hurt and alone and for that you have my sympathy. But no matter how upset you are, you are not the injured party and you are the architect of your own misery. Affairs come at a price and payment is now due. You have to start making decisions that benefit your family, not just yourself.

I don't think anyone can ease this pain for you, you know what you have to do.

alltoomuchnow2014 · 18/02/2014 00:17

Thank you LyingWitch.

I feel that the genuine advice that I have been given is what I need to take away from this thread now. And that's not to say that I am going to disregard the criticism that I have received. Some of it is warranted.

But it is the sarcasm and ridiculing of my situation (yes, all my own doing) that I find unwarranted. Maybe, because of my mistakes, I haven't a leg to stand on and I should accept all that is said. By all means criticise me, judge me and flame me and I will listen to you and I will respond with respect. But if you want to simply bully and ridicule me then I will answer back at you.

I am determined to put my life right again. I have said that on each occasion that I have been asked what I am going to do. I am not a troll, an imposter or whatever else you want to have me down as. I am not the same poster that you have referred to in a previous thread. I have never started a thread on the relationships board before and most likely I never will again. My situation is real, very real.

Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 00:19

Are you going to end it with the MM? Yes or No.

rainbowsmiles · 18/02/2014 00:19

It's all very well to express regret and understanding of your part in a wretched situation but to continue to contribute to your own husband's unhappiness in the pretence that you are in some way protecting him is really too much.

I feel sorry for you because you are on the edge of an emotional abyss and you sound scared and anxious and very unhappy.

I would urge you to stop kidding yourself on. Try some real honesty. Your husband will get on fine without you. You are a cause of unhappiness to him. Leave him. Let him find someone who will really love and respect him.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2014 00:20

What are you actually, as in physically in RL, going to do though ?

Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 00:20

And your decisions were choices, not mistakes. Mistakes happen by accident, this affair took a lot of careful planning.

MistressDeeCee · 18/02/2014 00:29

Im beginning to realise there's are personal agendas on some threads, and its a real pile of bs. Of course its the same poster, it doesn't take that much to work it out just look at the previous thread.

More than 1 person stated the obvious on that 1, but only 1 person is getting an attempted flaming. So, how does it work? If you start a thread and dont like what a particular person has said, you revive it in the hope that theyll get a blasting from other posters? Do people pm each other re. how to goad? Anyway..I don't know what 'poster wars' are about on here but they look silly, and deflect from the main topic. Whats the point of them on fairly anonymous internet boards? You can agree or not, or agree to disagree then move on. So anyway, a poster gets a flaming on here and...the OPs RL woes remain the same. OK then...

MistressDeeCee · 18/02/2014 00:31

Still comes down to leave or don't leave.

Botanicbaby · 18/02/2014 00:32

OP your situation is of your own making and you've received good advice on here. there's really no need to say you won't ask for advice again. you said you were bowing out of the thread pages ago yet you were obviously still reading as you re-registered to comment again.

glad you're still here. hope you listen to those that have said you need to end it. you say yourself "you're determined to make your life right again". its horrible not knowing how to cope anymore and people on here have been sympathetic and understanding of that.

oh and FWIW more than one poster felt that your posts sounded familiar and that you'd had another thread, no need to single out AF on that score.

alltoomuchnow2014 · 18/02/2014 00:40

MDC I really don't know what you're talking about. I have never started a thread on the relationships board before. Go to mnhq and maybe they can verify that - I'm more than happy for them to do that.

alltoomuchnow2014 · 18/02/2014 00:41

fairenuff - yes.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2014 00:44

Why won't you disclose what you mean by "putting things right", OP ?

Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 00:53

Hallelujah OP, a straight answer for once. So you are going to end it with MM.

Are you going to come clean with your dh?

alltoomuchnow2014 · 18/02/2014 00:55

Why do you want to know the details that are involved in me putting things right AF?

Excuse me for doubtng you but I am rather wary of your genuinity in asking me.

alltoomuchnow2014 · 18/02/2014 00:56

No Fairenuff and if you read back you'll see my reasoning why.

Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 00:59

Ok, so you are ending it with MM, staying with dh and not telling him, what about counselling, are you going to get some of that for yourself?

WhateverTrevor83 · 18/02/2014 01:01

Because we're all nosy and there's been 19 pages of bickering and now you've made a decision. Well done - your head must be completely swimming.

Hope things work out for everyone involved. Do you think you would benefit from time alone (no MM or DH)?

Oh and I'm sorry - I was one of the ones wondering if thread was genuine or if it was a fake designed to get everyone squabbling. No offence intended.

alltoomuchnow2014 · 18/02/2014 01:26

The one overwhelming piece of advice that I have received on this thread is to seek counselling. And that is something which I will think about but I am not going to say here and now that I will definitely do that.

The reactions on this thread have shown me that I need to be extremely careful in who, if anyone, I confide in RL. It's one thing posting on an anonymous thread but it is quite another to sit face to face with a total stranger. My children are the most important things to me and I will not run the risk of jeopardising their happiness (by confiding in someone) just so that I can unburden my conscience. That is why after 6 years I have kept this to myself.

I hope I've answered what needs to be answered. I wish you all well and I hope that you will accept that I am genuine and that I am correcting my wrongs.

badbaldingballerina123 · 18/02/2014 01:52

What a sad situation for both family's .

In time both you and om will come to see each other differently . You are not , and never have been friends . He has intruded into your marriage , he has insulted and cuckolded your husband , he has threatened the welfare and security of your children . He has encouraged you to lie and to betray those you claim to love .

You , of course , have done similar to him . You've both disrespected the other , and I can't see any friendship in that . There are countless stories of the om and ow dobbing each other in , and this is why . When people eventually wake up to what they've done the hatred and bitterness towards the other party is often overwhelming .

Somebody earlier mentioned affair support boards . I think you would benefit from reading there , each story is almost identical and goes pretty much like this

I'm having an affair , I've been miserable for so long.
I feel alive and young again !
I live for the Times we can see each other ,only this person understands me.
I love my h but it's not the same.
My h isn't very attractive to me and I struggle to have sex with him.
Om and i are in love but it's too complicated to be together.
It makes me feel good when he lies to his wife to be with me
We love each other
I feel desired and understood
What would I do without him
He supports me and is always there for me
Om hasn't phoned me , I'm angry !
Om has let me down again .
This is more painfully than pleasurable
I'm compromising my self respect each time I see om.
I'm starting to wonder how I got into this mess .
I know I should end this but I need him
I'm starting to feel depressed , maybe I could run away ?
There's no one I can talk to about this.
Ive called it off , I can't live like this.
Om keeps contacting me , it's proof he really does love me .
Hang on , om knows I am deeply distressed yet he won't respect my choice.
The guilt I'm feeling is overwhelming , om doesn't understand
I'm starting to suspect om is a bastard
I've started thinking hoe easily he lies to his wife
We've had a row , something has been said that proves he's arsehole
I've suffered for all this time over this affair
It's ruined my life
I've hardly been emotionally present for my children
I'm going to stop , I realise my Dh really loves me
I'm starting to realise I've been a prop for om and I'm angry

On and on it goes until it reaches crisis point , and I mean serious crisis point . They usually hate each other and seek out revenge .

I hope the scales fall from your eyes very soon Op.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/02/2014 02:33

OP, please do consider counseling. Do not let what people have said upthread about "mavericks" and "judgement" from the counsellor put you off. Check the BACP website for a list of qualified counsellor's who can provide you with a trained ear and a safe, non judgmental space to talk about what you're going to do and how your going to do it.

Good luck Alltoomuch.Smile

MistressDeeCee · 18/02/2014 04:06

The one overwhelming piece of advice that I have received on this thread is to seek counselling. And that is something which I will think about but I am not going to say here and now that I will definitely do that.

The reactions on this thread have shown me that I need to be extremely careful in who, if anyone, I confide in RL

Says it all really. After 2 threads, this is still how you prefer to think.

Im going to remain mindful as to why its not really worth commenting on these attention seeking threads at times. Its all about encouraging a bunfight then sitting in the middle saying 'Im not going to do this or that', half-heartedly pretending to take on board the advice of people who've suggested good RL options but then admitting you can't be asked. You're also clearly annoyed with a certain poster and its not just based on what was said on this particular thread. Putting time and effort into all this, instead of sorting out the RL horror. Skewed priorities methinks but hey, if it works for you...

Good luck in basing your RL actions on the reactions of this thread, tho. Perhaps if interenet board reactions are so important to you, you'll actually take a step towards the counselling advice some have suggested in detail, instead of sounding dismissive about it. If an affair causes all this confusion and belligerence I cant think of even 1 way in which it would be worth it. All for the sake of a man...