In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

[alltoomuchnow]

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

It's up to women to prevent affairs even when they're single, and the MM makes the first move? More woman blaming. It's the MM that's responsible.

Of course the MM is an easy fuck. Why are people so sensitive about this. The whole thing is seedy, let's not be coy.

Unless there are lots of counsellors out there who are so impaled on the fence that they say absolutely nothing at all ?

AF Do you think you might misunderstand how counselling works?
'Sitting on the fence' suggests an indecisiveness- not knowing which way to jump.

I don't want to out myself but I know a lot of counsellors (BACP accredited) and I also happen to have known friends who've had affairs or been on the receiving end of infidelity and been to counselling.

I've also had counselling several times over my lifetime for various issues.

Some counsellors to say absolutely nothing, except ask you want you are feeling and want to discuss today....

It's not their role to say what someone has done is right or wrong. Their role is to help clients find some answers to their current dilemmas.

No, actually - Ive mentioned exactly what I think about 10 a penny MM who shag around. Exactly what I think about women who shag around with them then complain when it all goes wrong. Exactly what I think regarding lack of female solidarity. Excuse me for actually giving a shit about his wife. Essentially it doesn't matter how words are changed around to suit whoever - its the same thing isn't it, when all said and done. I don't have any interest in anyone else speaking like me, or me speaking like them. Its hardly the point...Im not the Word Police.

The OP has said that the world is not about to come crashing down anytime soon. In that I believe that she is deluding herself.

The OP's betrayal hangs like a sword of Damocles over her family. Even if she ends the affair it will still hang there. It might stay there forever or a chance comment could cause it to fall.

Whether it falls during the affair or after the affair is over the devastation will be the same.

If the OP tells her DH she can at least manage when that sword falls.

Fair enough Mistress, that's your view. But I will defend myself if you accuse me of thinking affairs are empowering or that condemning affairs is sexist, because I think neither.

That's fine, we can all defend our view. Internet boards would be very boring and one-sided if we didn't .

OP - some advice you may like here, some you may not but either way you're worth more than this man can 'offer' you. Start again with your DH, or start again alone - but MM is in no way worth your time and emotional effort.

Wow this has become a bit of a bun fight. Those who have said that people should be sympathetic/empathetic and helpful only, rather than judgemental, are deluding themselves to what MN is. This is not a counselling site. We all come at different subjects from what our own experiences are.

My experience is that the truth will probably be found out, and if not living a lie half the time will take its toll. You can not IMO give your full attention and fulfil all your families needs while lying to them.

"I have already stated that both of our families are of paramount importance to each of us" This statement from you OP seems very hypocritical because lying to people you love the most is not making them important in your life it is demeaning, deceitful and selfish. But you know this.

So as so many have said before me you have several choices

1. status quo
2. Tell your family and take the consequences
3. Don't tell family but leave OH and find yourself own your own without MM
4. Don't tell family end it with MM and try and rebuild your self esteem...though keeping the lie forever will IMO only eat at you

I'm wondering why the OP posted in the first place. If she was after sympathy mn is the last place anyone confessing to being an OW would come.
The hatred and vitriol towards any poster who even shows sympathy towards an OW situation is astonishing.
My XH had an affair, I got an anonymous letter to let me know. I have no idea what line he spun the OW, she knew he was married.
From that point the marriage was over, no drama, no begging him to stay, no desperate pick me dance. Over. Why would I want someone who doesn't want me? Any love and respect I had for him died at that point. I could not demean myself to stay with someone who didn't feel the same for me as I felt for him.
She was irrelevant to me.

Charlene you have certainly helped me see that every situation is different. My DP (13 years together) cheated on me for 2 and a half years. But I did not do any of the things you stated, the drama, begging him to stay, pick me dance. In fact my DP did all that, and it is for that reason we are still together. I was dead inside for 6 weeks after discovery but he persisted, and I am glad he did. Not easy but it can be done. The LTB brigade did not and will not get it. People can change. This is what I hope for the OP of this thread, for her to see she needs to change...but only she can do it.

voddie I certainly get the 'dead inside'. X went through every stage known to man - from blaming me to over the top romance! I can't think what the words are to describe how I felt at his display - incredulous? Unbelievable?

There was an OW thread on here a 2/3 weeks back. Are you the same poster, OP? As what you say/words you use/writing style is the same. Situation just sounds (very)slightly different this time around; but I remember as its not that long ago

I wasn't going to come back on this thread and I did in fact de-register my a/c because I want to put all my focus into repairing my mistakes/life without getting caught up in the thread as it stands now.

After seeing AF's comment (22.10) I felt compelled to re-register (I have had to use a new name) which you will see includes 2014.

AF - this is my first and only thread on the "relationships" board. Yes, I have done a huge wrong and like it or not, I am trying to put things right. I have tried to make that very clear in my final 2 posts.

I too stand by my previous assessment of you AF. I hope to goodness that you never, ever find yourself in a truly desperate and awful situation in your life. And if you ever do, whether it's through your own mistakes or those of someone close to you, I hope that you are not ridiculed and dismissed as nothing more than a "drama llama".

I have been called all sorts of things in the last 24/36 hours, some of it warranted and some of it not. I have listened to it all, several times over and I have at all times tried to respond in a respectful manner. However, you are quite simply a rather nasty and manipulative bully, who swipes out and then waits for back up and silent applaud. I've seen you do this on other threads, so I suppose I shouldn't be that surprised. The typical behaviour of a bully, in my view, enhanced by the nature of this anonymous playground. Perhaps it's not just me who needs to take a good hard look at themselves.

Good luck AF, you might just need it one day.

OP, if you think that my comments prove that I have never been in a desperate situation before in my life, then your assessment of me is as flawed as you believe mine to be

I find it odd that you take most issue with my use of "drama llama" when there have been much worse judgements made about your character on this thread

so, no problem with getting called a slag whose knickers are on the floor....but pointing out that people who post about how "difficult" and woe-is-me it is to be hurting the people you purport to love is attention-seeking for all the wrong reasons is beyond the pale ?

interesting viewpoint, I suppose

alltoomuchnow... You do not need to explain yourself one iota. It's quite obvious that you aren't the same OP as the other one. Any OP is valid here and, despite some opinions to the contrary, everyone has equal status as posters.

I think you've got the measure of the resident troll-hunters quite nicely, we all know who they are and it's a shame that they waste their huge investment in the site into diminishing and belittling others.

I wish you the strength to deal with your situation as best you can and also peace and happiness in your future, you are deserving of that. Best wishes, alltoomuchnow.

who said troll ?

Drama llama is a bit of a low blow on a relationships forum. Everybody is equally entitled to post, nobody is required to respond if they prefer not to feed any apparent drama.

I thought that given the facts outlined in OP, ie a long term affair, her posts were fairly straight up and drama free, much less drama filled than many of the responses anyway.

What would you call it, AF? Questioning whether a poster is genuine, not just once but several times through the thread. You've proudly stood by it as well and are still calling the OP a 'drama llama', albeit obliquely. I don't understand that at all. You are starting to look like a bully, which is a great shame because I've never thought of you as one.

Give over with the "disappointed in you" shtick, lying

I don't believe this is a troll and said no such thing. I fully believe there are real people out there shitting on their loved ones on a regular basis and still convincing themselves and others they were the victims of circumstances and other such bollocks

Actually, I said the same thing on page 2 of this thread. I asked OP if she had posted about this before because it is so similar. I remember that, on the other thread, she admitted that she just wanted to talk about him because she couldn't do that in rl.

Maybe OP is the same poster, maybe she's not but neither of those OPs seem to be taking on board what anyone is saying.

Not making a firm decision to end either relationship. Not talking about counselling, etc. Lots of similarities.

Get out whilst your children may still consider talking to you in your old age. I don't think the dishonest and pathetic half of my parents will be hearing much from me.