In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

[alltoomuchnow]

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

Struggling maybe you can't see the projection but it's very clear to me. At least half of your recent post was about your one night stand and what you did as a result of that. You went to great lengths to say how your conscience was clear even though the man in question ditched you. I'd offer another view- which is if he ditched you after a 1 night stand when you were drunk then the relationship wasn't as solid as you think it was, because he hardly wanted to hang onto you, or it.

That's all a BTW- because what you are essentially saying is 'I did this and therefore I suggest you do the same, because it worked for me'.

Can't you see that what worked for you is personal and not a blue print for everyone else?

I don't think there is ANY point going on about the hurt the H might be feel if he knew. So what? Unless the OP is as thick as 2 planks then she'll have thought about that over the last 6 years. There is no point going on about it.

Could somebody link to the "fawning" please ?

If people are still trying to prove something about me, a quick look upthread will tell you that the only comments directed at me personally were of a negative nature.

Struggling again, this is your opinion. You keep making comments and suggesting they are facts. Do you understand the difference between fact and opinion?
you wouldn't be a very good friend if you didn't tell her the truth if you felt what she was doing wasn't the best idea. Sometimes I think "no judging" can be confused with not being honest. I'd want my friends to tell me if I was wrong.

You'd want your friends to tell you if you were wrong. Fine. But not everyone is you!

I think that friends should give honest opinions if they are invited to. Doing so uninvited can be the end of a friendship because most people know the answers anyway. They aren't looking for an opinion - just support- and I don't mean condoning- just being there.

FWIW I told a very close friend what I thought of her behaviour and she hit the roof- we didn't speak for weeks and I still think it's not completely mended.

constantly

1. Of course I see my experience is not a blueprint for every situation. My opinion has nothing to do with my experience. It's to do with what I think is right and wrong and how best to fix that and we are all here to give exactly that. I was only making that point to show I have been in a similar situation and that I was glad I acted as I did. I'd have not wanted to have to lie to someone to keep them with me. It's not projection, it's shared experience that might be relevant. Just because someone shares experiences to support points it doesn't mean they are projecting.

1. I think in one of your posts you advised the op to end the relationship and that if she didn't she obviously didn't care about her family much. I advised her to tell her husband and that if she didn't she obviously didn't love him that much. For some reason you seem to be able to judge what constitutes loving your family but get your kickers in a twist when I do the same in terms of her husband.

We're all here with advice and opinions and I don't profess to be the world's leading expert on anything at all, but I do know a guilty conscience is a horrible thing to live with and I do know that out of the billions of people on earth the last one I'd want to be dishonest with is my spouse.

You seem to think I am judging the op, but FYI I agreed with yourself, Lying and all that people have been harsh on the OP who knows she's wrong and feels bad already. Some comments have been horrible.

I wasn't trying to make her feel worse about it. More suggesting what would be best to fix it.

But again, only my opinion and I am not going to gag her, tie her up and force her to listen to my view on it if she doesn't want to.

Sheesh constantly.

I think that friends should give honest opinions if they are invited to

Agree with that, you said it better than me - however the OP did most a thread inviting opinions and I'm giving mine.

disclaimer To save time, please assume that any comments I make are only my opinion and that I am well aware of that.

When a suicidal person says that they are going to 'put things right' I don't assume that that means she will end the affair.

She hasn't said that she will.

History is littered with examples of men and women who have loved two people at the same time. It's not up to you or me to judge how much that 'love' is or whether it exists, according to our own moral compass and life experience.

This was brought up earlier in the thread. No-one has said that it's not possible to love two people at the same time. Of course it's possible. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We all love lots of different people. That's normal.

What is wrong, is when you lie about it and deceive one of the people you claim to love. That is immoral.

If you have more than one child you love them both- often in different ways. The same applies to loving our parents. Love is not a fixed quantity that can only be measured out to one person at a time.

But would you keep another child, in another family a secret? Would lie to one child so that you could visit the other? And would you expect that child to be okay about it when then found out, six years later, that there were actually sharing your love with a sibling they knew nothing about.

It's not comparable is it. OP is keeping this a secret from her husband for one reason and one reason only. She knows he wouldn't be okay with it. You don't have to read his mind to know that. If he didn't mind, she would tell him and not have to carry all that guilt.

I'm sorry but a post simply saying

*i agree with Harry Styles " has just made me piss

constantlygardening

I don't really see your point...yes counselling is different from friendship of course. And I was talking about friendship. A friend can and should give out a metphorical slap when it's in their friend's best interest. Boy OP could have done with someone to help her open her eyes about, err, five and a half years ago.

On the counsellor front - you are 100% wrong to say that no counsellor would ever pass judgement - some counsellors do indeed offer strong opinions and can be quite maverick in their approach! I don't want to say anything else for anonymous reasons but I have experience of this.

A good counsellor (because some are shit) can be brilliant for working through things but a good friend can be absolutely priceless for shaking someone out of themselves.

I agree with chicken madras

I concur with chicken madras, but I find korma to be more palatable.

Fairenuff
What you have pointed out is quite obvious. I never said that I condoned the affair, or the deceit that must surely go with it. What I said was that loving more than 1 person is within the realms of human experience. I used the examples of family- children and parents- to show that love has no limits. It's not a finite quality we have. How someone chooses to act on loving 2 people is different. I very specifically chose NOT to bring that into my post because it's another topic and one which is founded in being judgemental. I was responding to the posters who were claiming that because the OP loved her OM then she could not possibly love her H ( because of the deceit presumably.)

My post was simply to comment on the assumption that someone can only love one person at any one time- not the morality of what one does about it.

Ititwrong

On the counsellor front - you are 100% wrong to say that no counsellor would ever pass judgement - some counsellors do indeed offer strong opinions and can be quite maverick in their approach!

There is a difference between being a maverick- by which I assume you mean playing devil's advocate?- and being truly judgemental.

Maybe I should have been clearer- no good professional counsellor would pass judgement.

I'm assuming your reasons of 'anon' are that you have experienced either being judged or you know counsellors who behave in a judgemental way.

struggling but I do know a guilty conscience is a horrible thing to live with and I do know that out of the billions of people on earth the last one I'd want to be dishonest with is my spouse.

Yes, but- the OP and many other people who have affairs do not think like this. For some people who have affairs what they get out of it outweighs the guilt or other negative feelings they may have.

I think the 'mistake' that is sometimes made is to try to attribute logic to totally illogical things- called emotions.

It's similar to someone trying to lose weight having another cake-or an alcoholic having another drink they know it's not doing them any good but for the time when they are eating the food/drink, they feel a bit better.

I'm honestly not trying to be argumentative on this point constantly but you can actually be a good counsellor and pass judgement - because a good counsellor know that on occassion a client needs more of a push to free themselves of a situation they are stuck in. Even if that judgement is uninvited or seemingly harsh. I do however agree it's unusual and controversial and not in general what a counsellor is there for.

There is an inherent "judgement" though, isn't there, in saying affairs are never a good idea ?

Unless there are lots of counsellors out there who are so impaled on the fence that they say absolutely nothing at all ?

Counsellors are human aren't they? Theyre going to have an opinion one way or another even if they don't tell you. Theyre not invested with superhuman powers. Honestly all the faffing around about 2 people shagging around behind their partners' backs. Its not unique nor is it rocket science, and if you happen to think thats off-key then you're a woman-hater? How very strange. Personally I wouldn't lay on my back for another woman's husband because no bloke's getting me for a shag when he's ready, and how about some female solidarity in terms of his wife? Or even that, there's nothing empowering about allowing a man to use you to the point you'd lie to your own man to keep OM sweet? Or is that all a bit too old-fashioned?

In terms of how you speak on a post - does it have to be all sweetness & light or its not acceptable/who is deciding? I don't agree with what the OPs done and I couldn't care less who thinks what about that..as long as people aren't swearing at her etc then Im quite sure she can take it. You have to have a very thick skin to keep an affair going for years on end and still look in your husband & Dcs faces, I would think. I couldn't do it. As for comments that some posts are sexist..thats the least of the worry here. No wonder sexism is rife out there when a woman having an affair and other women saying 'hang on, that's a bit off-key' is seen as somehow strange. Tis a man's world indeed..OM who shag around don't need to justify, plenty of women are busy doing that for them and then acting as if theyre making some kind of statement about womanhood. Laughable and sad at the same time

OP - Going off the OP only.....

If you told your DH or the children or they found out, YOU would destroy so many lives, so very cruelly.

If you end the relationship now, as I assume you will which is why you posted in the first place, then only you and the OM are in line to be hurt. Assuming he cares..........

You know what you have to do. When you started seeing him it was an affair, now it's a relationship, one that has to end. I hope that your DH and the OM DW never find out because the fault out for those injured in the cross fire is truly horrendous.

I tried to post this yesterday, but couldn't, apologies if the thread has moved on.

A friend of my parents had a long term affair, she eventually left her DH for the OM when her kids had left home.

Her DH got over it fairly quickly, easy to hate someone who's betrayed you like that. He was remarried in a couple of years.

The impact on her children was catastrophic. Her daughter had a nervous breakdown and has never returned to work 10 years on, (she was training to be a barrister); her eldest son move to the other side of the world and has no contact with anyone in the family; her youngest son, the nicest guy, (and most sensitive of the children), turned to drink and drugs and eventually committed suicide a few months ago.

The fact that all of their childhood memories were lies, (as far as they are concerned) was so damaging, please don't do this to your family.

My post was simply to comment on the assumption that someone can only love one person at any one time

I am aware of what you meant. No-one was saying that the OP can only love one person, just that to treat someone like this is not love.

You have done the right thing leaving the thread OP. In fact I feel that your coming here in the first place revealed a desperation that I found quite disturbing. MN is not, and I suspect never will be the place to own being the OW. Too much bitterness coming - understandably - from personal experience, and with that an inability to see that often there are no rules regarding emotions, and who we love.

I feel that you need to seek counselling immediately. Only then will you be able to work through all the angst you are now suffering, in a safe, non judgemental, and confidential environment. There is so much that you have obviously left unsaid, and that is how it should be. To safeguard your familys happiness, you have not risked confiding in anyone in RL. A secret shared often isnt a secret anymore.

I do not condone what you are doing, but I can feel the pain you are suffering because of it, and the fact that you want to put things right. For that I believe you deserve support. Find the right counsellor, and finally set about taking back your life.

Incidentally, I was a wife who was cheated on many years ago now. I too was deeply hurt and very bitter for a long time, especially on my children`s behalf. You know what though, we got through it, and went on to have a very happy life. I found a truly special man, and my kids got the father they deserved.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Mistress Dee Cee, not one poster has cried sexism over people thinking that affairs are a bit off key. Every poster on here thinks that affairs are a bit off key, unless I've missed something.

And nobody has said that having an affair is empowering or anything remotely like that. For the umpteenth time, it is the language and attitudes displayed by SOME posters, yourself included, that has been described as sexist. Which it is.

Do you feel that men who cheat shouldn't lie on their back for another mans wife, or that men should stay faithful out of solidarity with other men? You cast men as the powerful ones getting to use people, while women are the objects to be picked up and put down at a mans whim.

Morris - that's my point, you deemed my post sexist because I said a woman could try not enabling a MM to shag around with her. I couldn't care less whether you think my attitude is sexist or not, its the least worry in terms of how and why a woman allows herself to be used. Nothing empowering about it, which is why Im not hung up on what a woman thinks/feels. Im talking about the situation itself ie affairs with MM looking for sexual diversion alongside their marriage. It stinks. I could say it in flowery prose, poetry, I could sing it...doesn't matter how I word it. It is what it is. & yes I do feel the same about men who shag around with other men's wives. It all comes down to solidarity but despite what's said we ALL know it isn't an equal playing field for women in this world. & its not a man who put up this post. So, sorry if I don't go on about men but either way you put it, its women being dissed. Lose lose all around, I think. No, men aren't the powerful ones to me that's why Im not an easy fuck for one who wants to mess around. Assume what you like from that in terms of the power men have over women.

I think Id struggle to meet a woman who HASNT been approached by MM, in a lot of instances probably fancied that man rotten too. It happens. Why go ahead and indulge a sordid 'romantic' fantasy then years down the line bleat to other women about it when it goes wrong? When you obviously weren't thinking of his DW when it started out I mean, she is a woman too isn't she? Why not talk it out with him instead? But I think if it were me in this situation I wouldn't still be faffing about for ages on an internet board amongst a load of strangers. Id have spoken to him by now and ended it. That's all saying, I really wanted to end it. If in my heart I didn't tho, I suppose I could spend all day and night focusing on how posters are speaking, who has given good advice who hasnt...on & on it goes, doesn't change the reality of the situation tho. Stay, or go. That's all.

Referring to other women as an easy fuck, grim.

As I've already said, there is a cheating man on this thread. The OPs MM. But you're more concerned about how the OPs behaviour impacts his wife than by a) how it impacts her own husband, who she owes commitment to, and b) how the MM is treating his own wife.

Unless you think that MM are easy fucks allowing themselves to be used then yes, you are sexist. And your haste to put all the blame onto OP and barely mention the cheating MMs crimes make it all the more so.

'a bit off key'?

I think anyone who has been treated like this would find it more serious than that.