In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

[alltoomuchnow]

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

I know you came here for advice on how to handle the situation and a lot of people have judged you. That might feel wrong, but sometimes helping someone starts with "judging" and perhaps making them see what they are blind to.

Honestly? If you love someone truly, you would never cheat on them or lie to them over such a long period. It is very selfish OP, it is about caring for your own needs at the expense of your husband's and this just isn't "love".

Your husband does deserve to have a life which is real, and a wife who is not lying to him. Please set him free. I am not sure whether you should tell him it has been going on for six years (which seems cruel), but please DO tell him that you have started and affair and let him have his truth. He deserves this, and then let him go to find someone else.

There will be fallout, of course, but you have to be truthful or you are doing yourself a disservice. The first step to getting things right is by taking responsibility and owning up.

As for your other man, this is down to the two of you to decide how you feel and what you want.

What is more important here is you doing the right thing - and it's never too late for that.

Captain that's just plain nasty.

The OP is ending it. Why make such a comment?

Again, where does she say she is ending it?

Struggling I don't agree with you.
You might think that, but can you see that it's your opinion? You cannot possibly know how the Op feels. In your world, you could only love one person. But that's you. History is littered with examples of men and women who have loved two people at the same time. It's not up to you or me to judge how much that 'love' is or whether it exists, according to our own moral compass and life experience.

If you have more than one child you love them both- often in different ways. The same applies to loving our parents. Love is not a fixed quantity that can only be measured out to one person at a time.

Post at 2218 Fairenuff

Read the OP's post at 13.30.37- she talks about putting it right- assume this means ending it.

Horrible, captain.

Why, again, are some posters continuing to insist that the OP is 'less than' the man she is cheating with? Like, two adults cheat and the best outcome is that the man then cheats on the OW? Why? Why wouldn't the OP.herself upgrade her MM (i can't think of equivalent word to mistress).

The MM is as guilty as the OP. He has a spouse too. Yet some posters hope he then does the dirty on the OP. It's illogical.

Have to and will are very different.

I have to get off mn and crack on with my ironing. Will I, not very likely.

op recognises what she has to do, but will she? I hope so for her sake.

Yes Struggling, sometimes you need to tell people what they don't want to hear - to stop them ruining their own lives or someone else's!

If OP had confided in a trusted, respected friend in RL she might have been saved from herself from someone who loves her and has her best interests at heart but who can see the situation clearly when the OP can't.

But obviously that's seen as 'vicious' and unfeeling on here as I found when I posted similarly.

How effective would it be to say 'you poor thing, I understand your agony over this' over and over to a RL friend? You can love them and support them but surely everyone would try to make them see how catastrophic effects it could have on everyone around them and to STOP THE AFFAIR?

MorrisZapp... Everytime I read posts like that it makes me smile... like so many 'phone upgrades'.

... and the ones where an OP is instructed to leave their husband to find someone else to be happy with forever... I picture the poster with their arms outstretched, ready to catch him. It's almost like they're trying to stimulate the 'partner market' with new blood.

How about saying you poor thing, you really need to end this affair? You can disapprove strongly without being nasty. When friends of mine have been less than honest with their partners I've been kind, friendly, supportive, and very clear about what I think they should do next.

When the boot was on the other foot once, my best friend showed me the same love and firm advice. I knew she was right, of course she was right.

I dont think the OP is worse than the OM.

I think they are both as cuntish as each other.

Morris-just as I thought.

fwiw I apologised to the op for comment already.

some posters I suspect have been the ow somin some way are justifying their own behaviour.

Still think you should be on your own OP. Not sure if you've ever been single but I think some space from DH / MM would do you and probably them the world of good. Then everyone can get some perspective.

constantly that might be only my opinion of love, and I don't think anyone has yet to categorically define it. When most people try and define what love in a marriage should be about; honestly, fidelity, commitment are key points for the vast majority of us - which is why they are almost unilaterally included in the marriage vows themselves.

Put simply, the OPs husband entered into a contract where honesty, commitment and fidelity were paramount to their agreement to share a life together and the OP has changed the contract without letting her husband know. He's been blissfully unaware for six years and that is very sad for him. It;s a bit like his life, his marriage, his choices have been stolen from him so another person can have their own needs and desires met.

It's not about what "I" consider love to be about, but more about what her husband's expectations are versus what he is getting. Concealing this from him is unfair. He has a right to exist in a relationship where he understands what he is living with. No one deserves to live a lie.

My words are not meant to be hurtful to you OP. I genuinely wish you the best.

I have cheated before - I wasn't married and it was a one night stand but we were in a serious relationship and I was in love deeply with my partner at the time. It was a drunken mistake brought about by youth and petty insecurity.

That all said, as hard as it was, I came clean, I told the truth, he left me and never looked back.

That hurt, I was heartbroken, but my conscience is clear and for me, this was the best thing. The ONLY right thing to do and it enabled me to move forward in life without guilt or feeling wrong about things.

Your post and request for help shows that you are wrestling with your conscience here and my advice is given because I think being honest will be what sets you free of this situation. I feel that in the long run, no one can be genuinely happy if they are lying to the people closest to them. It's not fair on either of you. The very fabric of what your marriage is meant to be about is not functioning as it should be.

I think you would be so much happier, less conflicted and feel correct if you were able to do away with the lies and live with someone who knew everything there was to know about you, with whom you could share trust.

Again, none of this is meant to judge you. We all do things that aren't right. I am only advising on how to "put it right" and I think it has nothing to do with the other man. With the other man, you have a totally open and honest relationship.

I've never cheated. I was referring to a time when I was tempted to, but thought better of it.

And I think its odd that you're focusing on the OW aspect. The OP is cheating on her own husband.

Struggling- I wasn't aware that her H had posted here?
You seem to know a lot about how he feels and what he wants.

The only people who really know the dynamics are the two people in the relationship. Anything else is simply projecting your own views and what you assume is the 'majority' view.

Personally, I think you ought to lecture less and think more.

ititwrong I just want to throw something at you for consideration.
Lots of people here have recommended counselling.
In RL a counsellor would never, ever pass judgement or tell someone they are doing wrong etc etc etc. (I know this because I am close friends with many counsellors and we discuss training etc.) They would dig very deeply to help the client see if their behaviour going, and what was at the root of it all. But what the client did would be up to them entirely.

Yet at the same time other people are suggesting that again in RL a 'good friend' would speak plainly and advise someone to stop and mend their ways.

Is the BEST kind of friend not a combination of the above: someone who listens, never judges, but says they are always there for you no matter what kind of a pickle you find yourself in?

Counsellors would certainly not pass judgement on an affair.

Nothing in my post was projection.

Her husband would not be happy that she'd been having an affair for six years. It's wrong to lie to your spouse and if he knew he'd been lied to for six years he would be devastated.

I might be admittedly guessing at those statement, of course you are right, he might be very happy with this arrangement if he knew the truth but I hope you can admit that's extremely unlikely. The point is exactly the one you are trying to make to me. Only the OPs husband has a right to know what he thinks or feels about this and whilst he doesn't know he is deprived of that luxury.

Sorry if it came across as a lecture. I am trying to offer my opinion. You don't have to agree with it.

V good point, constantly. I don't always approve of my closets friends choices, but the basis of our frienship is no judging. I know she is a good and kind person, so if she makes poor choices (imo) then I just make suggestions etc rather than having a go.

Would be different if she was a selfish piece of work, but then if that was the case then she woulnt be my close friend.

Yes, but you wouldn't be a very good friend if you didn't tell her the truth if you felt what she was doing wasn't the best idea. Sometimes I think "no judging" can be confused with not being honest. I'd want my friends to tell me if I was wrong.

I think this post did ring a bell, as I know a couple where it is common knowledge that the husband was unfaithful to her over many years and never told her. He was unfaithful during their engagement, he was unfaithful during their marriage. All the while she is not aware.

I don't know these particular people very well but always thought it was unfair on both of them. He's carrying all this guilt and angst around for a lifetime, and she's living a lie without knowing it. They project the image of being a happy couple.

To me - it's not what marriage is and by the sound of the OPs words it's not what she wants really either.

Yeah I think counselling is a great idea. We do not pass judgement and only help you to come to your own decisions with the benefit of greater awareness of your motivations, both conscious and unconscious.

And I just want to say that lyingwitch and Morris, you have made some great contributions and I agree with you entirely. Especially about the sycophantic fawning that goes on here. Makes me cringe at times.

I know women who's DH's are having/had affairs, who 'turn a blind eye'. They do not want to even acknowledge that this is going on/ has happened. The have a carefully constructed life and image and do not want that to change.

Someone quite close to me was in this position, the whole town knew what her husband was doing and yet she continued to live a myth. Only when she was gossiping about someone else that somebody said to her "well that's a bit rich coming from you seeing as your husbands been shagging xxxx for years". Her whole world fell apart because it was out in the open and she then had to 'do something'.