In a long affair....please don't read if this will cause you upset/anger.

[alltoomuchnow]

Namechanged. I'm married with 2 children and I've been having an affair for over 6 years now. Something has literally "gone" in my mind and I can't take it any longer. I love OM very much but I know that we'll never be together. As time continues to go by I know that my feelings for him will get stronger. I need to end it all or accept that this is how it will be. I'm not asking for sympathy - I know I've done something very wrong and that I'll be hated on here. But I am human, I have feelings and I don't know how to cope any more. Has anyone been here and has felt this desperate....

Not aimed at you whatevertrevor, cross-posted with you.

Ah! Sorry I'll stop being cranky then ;-p

Anyhoo - hope you reach a sensible decision about what to do OP.

And to the people here to fight... Go and have a brew and pipe the f down x

I don't feel much sympathy for OW and cba to handwring. Its an open thread isn't it and we all have opinions. I still don't see why not agreeing or condoning = bitterness etc but then again I think most OW threads are ultimately about what 1 poster thinks of another; its probably diversionary for the OP/OW to read it before going back to reality of OMs headed for the hills syndrome. I am stirred to sympathy when I read some really terrible stories on relationships boards, some stories play on my mind for ages but sorry, this isn't one. Its not my thing. Each to their own n all that...

What a thought tho. OPs hubby is lying next to her in bed completely unaware his DW is suicidal over some other bloke. I hope he never finds out (pseudo-sorry if that sounds judgmental)

I know when my DH is lying to me or misleading me about something.

v v rare mind you, perhaps if he had been having an affair for 6 years he would have perfected this skill but I really, really doubt it.

Therefore I would be surprised if the OM's wife or the OP's DH didn't know what was going on.

The other factor is finding time to have an affair, not easy, certainly not easy to do without raising suspicion.

Are you sure no one suspects anything OP?

OP, sustaining this affair for so long and telling noone is a huge thing as you know. No wonder you have had suicidal thoughts.

I agree with the 'counselling' recommendation. You know that you need to make a change here. Very hard to do that without support and I would imagine that you desperately need a safe place to talk about what you are feeling. Counsellors come in all shapes and sizes. Find one that you are comfortable with, don't just go to the first one you find.

Have you decided to go to a counsellor? Or if not to share this with someone in RL? You really need to.

Six years of self-flagellation. Whatever the moral whys and wherefores, that must be tough.

I am sure it's crossed your mind too that it is highly unlikely this other man holds you in equally high esteem? Six years and not leaving the wife is not grand passion to a bloke, it's convenience.

You need to fix yourself. The very worst thing for your children is for you to be this unhappy indefinitely. You don't need to continue like this. You could be happy. You do deserve to be whatever you are punishing yourself for by existing like this.

"if you have been having an affair with this man, and for so long, there was something seriously wrong in your respective marriages to begin with."

Or they are both selfish people who don't care enough about their families to leave.

And after 6yrs(!!) it's finally getting too much.

OP the affair is no longer making you happy. You are staying married so I'm sure that your family do not want a miserable mother/wife how is that fair. It's all very well saying you love your H but I think your thoughts are constantly with the OM.

You have a choice and free will and if the affair is bringing you down then stop it.
Of course six years is along time and you will think about all the time and energy you have invested in the relationship . It was fun it had highs and lows and it was a secret . It was a secret for a reason .
I don't know how often you see the OM or what the affair gives you but it certainly seems to be very stressful and not much peace.

If the OM loves you he would not want you upset so tell him how it makes you feel and end the affair

Jojoanna pretty much nails it. Sounds like it's run it's course.

All the huffing and howling on this thread is preposterous, given how common OP's situation is. OP there are actually also some better reasoned threads on AIBU on the topic, just search for them.

The only part of the OP's original post I connect with is where she asks if any one has felt such desperation and suicidality as she does now. My answer is yes, yes I have and for that I have some empathy.

But - 12 Christmas's, 12 Anniversaries, countless birthdays over 6 years, good times, tough times - shit even the fucking mediocre times - all of them tainted by this. That's what's sad.

If a man and a woman, both married to other people, conduct an affair but do not leave their respective spouses to be with each other, then why assume that this is because the male affair partner doesn't feel strongly enough for the female?

This looks like the usual 'male prizing' that goes on on these threads. Ie, that it's the man who is the prize, women should be competing over him, and that women can 'win' men.

I understood that the reason the OP had not left her DH was because she didn't want to break up her own family. If he just isn't that into her, then logically she isn't that into him either.

I'm not angry with OP (couldn't care less about her) or bitter (I have no experience of being cheated on) neither am I on glue (though I consumed half a bottle of wine last night) - I am devastated her children.

I do have experience of being a teen whose parent cheated.

It was cataclysmic for me and I love and respect that parent far less (if at all) for bringing lies, deceit and betrayal into our family. It was 30 years ago, it still hurts!

For a forum full of intelligent, educated, 'interested' parents, I'm always shocked how far down the list kids come in discussions about marriage breakdown and affairs.

That's why on here I cannot abide the voices saying 'Oh don't listen to the frothers on here, RL is not black and white, affairs and divorces happen'. Yes exactly! In RL these things happen and in RL they have volcanic and tragic results for innocent parties.

And 'your children will be happy if you are happy' - I'm afraid there are no happy outcomes for OP are there? Either she remains frozen in agony in her marriage continuing the affair or several people's lives are destroyed...Can anyone tell me in what scenario she or children will be happier?

I'm the child of cheaters and I'm fine. My parents are nice, normal people who fell in love with other people.

I have never cheated in my life and I don't intend to, nor do I think it's a great way to move from one relationship to another. But it happens, it happens frequently, and it happens to people who are otherwise loving and normal.

Arrgh why don't I ever preview? Devastated for her children.

And since my comments were fairly bleak and appearing to say there is no redemption or nowhere to go for OP, let me add, FWIW, I think the only way forward is to stop affair NOW and concentrate on your marriage. It would be the right thing to tell your husband and give him the choice, but I think too cruel. So keep it to yourself, live with it, accept it's your cross to bear, look at your lovely kids who adore and respect you and think about what you nearly lost.

I can't speak for OP but I didn't see any posts where she was hoping the OM would leave. She has said that she refuses to leave her own family anyway.

Sorry X posts, took me so long to type!

I'm glad to hear that Morris. But are you sure you are/were fine?

So no hurt, no fallout? Did they leave for other partners? Did you like both partners? Did you move homes, towns, or schools? Do you think your parents were selfish given that you say you would never now cheat?

I don't know anyone in RL who wasn't adversely affected by parents' affairs tbh.

Lying has it again. Not one poster here has 'agreed with' affairs. I do think that some posters display bitterness however when they post in such sexist terms, clearly believing that men are objects that women must compete for and win. I personally believe that men are sentient adults and responsible for their own actions.

There's a cheating man on this thread too, but for some posters he's a prize, ie 'he hasn't left his wife for you'. The OP hasn't left her husband either.

Why do posters indulge in such shameless bullying and victimisation when taking the moral high ground? Don't they see how perverse it is to do so?

I'm horrified at how horrible posters are to the OP.

Really? I think this is a truly horrible thread. Posters taking the moral high ground in an ashamedly vicious way.