Is it me or is he actually a bastard

[Wtafjusthappened]

Don't want to drip feed here but I'm exhausted (newborn) and reeling at DP's disgusting behaviour.

The past year or so has been non stop arguing and tantrums and I've tried not to let the DCs be exposed to any of it which is hard. He left last week again (he 'breaks up' with me every few weeks as I'm so unbearable apparently) claiming I'm insane jealous and he hates me. Right fine this happens on a regular basis and I each time go running after him.

Tonight he comes home after spending most if the day in the pub. Fine but why get drunk when we we supposed to spend the evening together? Cue insane screaming tantrum while I sob on the sofa with the baby and the toddler now in tears. Apparently I'm the fucking fun police and he is now done with my fucking shit and the lies I make up about him! Out he goes into the night. I come upstairs to bF baby. I call him and he actually answers and we have a pointless conversation where I apologise and he tells me he's had enough and will come home but isn't going to do anything. I asked if we can try and salvage tonight but he isn't interested. Apparently as he brought me chocolates and a crad this am I should be grateful.

I asked him not to get drunk and pointed out how shocking it was that our relationship was in a state that I would even have to ask that! He claims yes he had a few drinks but that's all normal as it's it leaving do and I don't ever let him do anything so I can just fuck off. Nice.

He claims he isn't drunk of course but he is as he is aggressive and for the first time I actually felt scared if him as he is so angry. He wouldn't become violent towards me that's for sure I've just never seen him
This angry and that says a lot.

I'm so angry with him for making me feel like an episode of bloody Jeremy Kyle but I'm so so tired and my defences are down so I just cave.

Please help see a way through this hideousness.

Reassuring to know I've not gone completely mad.

MrsAsprey he usually goes to his parents or a friend. There is constant communication though, so I don't know if that makes a difference as to whether there is anyone else involved.

YOU are not at fault. It is him! You and your DC deserve better.

Don't do anything drastic today or next week, DON'T tell him anything about your plans.

Think about it, slowly plan how you can move out. Can you put some money away, even if it's just a small amount? Get your head around it all first.

Leaving can be done!

You can't control or modify his behaviour through your own. You don't cause him to be abusive, you can't prevent it. Whatever you do or say, when he wants to abuse you, he will. He will be looking for an excuse, and if you don't provide it immediately (because you are trying to keep him sweet) he will look harder until he finds one.

I'm not married but a solicitor told me all sorts about what kids are entitled to. Including a roof over their head that he'll have to pay for etc. Please look into it. He's a dick!

Seriously, get legal advice to see what's available and you be the one to make him go permanently.

It's f*cking hard, but living like you are is harder OP.

Good luck.

How old is your tiny one OP?

I remember the bone aching exhaustion from tiny babies..is there any one in real life that can help you? A mum or sister? Just being able to have a shower and a hot meal would make you feel a tad more human x

He I daresay has been abusive to you from the very beginning but its either been missed by you or minimised. I am wondering if you yourself were in a bad place when you met him; it is possible that you were targeted because some men like breaking seemingly strong women down. This man also hates women, all of them. Abuse like the sort he practices has been insidious in its onset and thus gradual. Now you are seeing the real him. He enjoys seeing your discomforture; he likes seeing you dependent. This is all about power and control. He wants absolute over you.

Having you now also full of self doubt is yet another weapon in his arsenal; he planted those seeds. It is only when you get away from him too that you will realise the full extent of his abuse towards you and you will be indeed horrified.

There is no future for you in this and you need to get away from him asap before he drags you and your children further down with him. A plan of escape must be drawn up.

I would suggest you now talk to Womens Aid and longer term enrol on their "Freedom Programme" as this is designed for women who have been in abusive relationships.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1995555-I-did-this-before-but-lets-do-it-again-today

an inspiring thread from women who have taken the plunge and escaped free.

I'd say the other woman thing is a red herring. My own suspicion is that his other woman's name is Alcohol, although it might just be the free-drinking lifestyle rather than the booze itself that is the attraction. However, if he is screwing around it's just all of a piece with the main problem, which is a total lack of respect for his partner and mother of his children. He helps practically you say; that's only right and proper, but when it is not so much fun - mainly when you get to the end of your tether and really need the help, that's when he manufactures a fight so he can flounce off and avoid responsibility. You need, not necessarily constant, but consistent support right now and this fellow does not do consistent, he does "when he feels like it". Which to my mind makes him an arse. You can't look after small children only when you're in the mood, and you can't bully and browbeat a partner and then expect them to be loving.

Want to know why he does that? Read Why Does He Do That? - your man is in there, I promise you. If you want it boiled down to three words though, the answer is "because he can".

Wtaf, you're exhausted and ground down right now so leaving will seem too much. One step at a time. Arguing is very draining, so I agree with lanbro, don't engage with him when he's being a dick, let him argue with himself. It might just help you build some reserves so you can find the energy to tackle leaving him.

Your relationship sounds like one I had with an ex fiancé. It was exhausting and punishing enough without DCs - so I just can't imagine how tired you must be holding it all together.

My ex f first line of defense was attack. So if he said he would be back at 10pm but actually got back, drunk, at 7am - I would be the nightmare for going on about it. He was unreliable, angry, profligate, drunk or hungover.

It will get to the point when you realise it doesn't matter who is at fault (he is) - this relationship isn't working and is toxic for all of you. Shouting, pleading, guilt tripping changes nothing. He might change but now he's shouted at you and made your DC cry. Unbearable for all of you.

Some people are oil and water.

I'll get the book today from a bookshop as iBooks don't have it and I want to read it now!

If it makes any difference his last girlfriend pretty much left him at the alter for someone else (he doesn't care of course). He doesn't seem to care about much it seems.

I don't engage in the arguments and he is happy to sit tree with his glass off wine not talking for days on end. It's torturous it really is and I have to talk after a while as to be I. The Se space and not communicate at all is weird. I hide in the bedroom mostly these days. I've no motivation to do anything when I feel like this.

Why is he so bloody angry all the time he has nothing to be pissed off about ffs. Ungrateful and unappreciative about all of it.

What exactly does he give to you and the relationship - apart from a drinking problem, abuse and fear?

There is a way to live alone without him, if you have to claim benefits and child maintenance from him then so be it. This is hardly a suitable environment for you or your children to thrive in is it.

Sauce yep, that's sort of sums up what goes on here.
Exhausting, no teamwork at the moment, just me looking after the dc and him sulking into his wine. It's weird and strange behaviour. If he wants to go I've said he must go but he does an about face and says he wants it all to work and can't bear to be away from dc. He loves me, of course he cares and all that and he won't walk out but the minute the very minute I do what he thinks is the wrong thing he is out the door. I never follow him or anything I wait until he calms down and then I'll try and find out where he is. Usually walking around the block or in the pub in his own. He can't be around me he says. Do all men do this??? He was worse after the birth of other dc same crazy behaviour. I ended up going a bit mad because of it to be honest. He is a tiny bit better this time but not much.

I don't understand why he thinks it's ok to go and get drunk still especially wen we had plans last night. Arse, complete arse.

Sorry I'm ranting a bit bit I'm terribly upset and frustrated at the moment.

The process of leaving me makes me want to slump in a heap.

He is making everything your fault so he has an excuse to go out and get drunk - convenient much? No, all men don't do this, only the horrid ones. His behaviour is not normal or acceptable is it. And you chase around after him pandering wanting to apologise and make things right. Of course he won't leave while he has you dancing to his tune and making him feel like a sultan. Why do you keep calling him back - he is hardly father or partner of the year. You have a young baby and he is insulting and frightening you so he has an excuse to go out and get drunk. Frightening for you I think.

Well no wonder you're exhausted, as well as coping worth two young dc, you're having to cope with all the turmoil of living with a selfish idiot.

Imagine how much more energy you would have if you got rid of him and all this emotional bollocks. You will feel so much better without all this drama and so will your children.

You have lived for years with an abusive man and he has managed to erode any self-esteem you may have had. Your reality and belief in yourself as a capable human being has been totally skewed by his mind games to the point where you doubt your own ability to see things as they are. The longer you stay the less you will be able to leave and make the judgement that rationally this is all his doing and only he can make things better not you.

Do you want your children to grow up to think that his behaviour is acceptable for a man. What if your daughter, if you have one, chose someone exactly like her father because she believes that's the way men are?

This is such an unhealthy relationship, so bad on so many levels.

I'm afraid the only option is to LTB.

What do you need to enable that to happen?

Do you have access to money? Is the property rented or mortgaged? Remember if you leave you will be entitled to benefits and he will have to pay maintenance.

And to a sewer your question - yes he's a bastard.

Sorry- answer

Also how much of the family money is being spent on booze? I bet with him gone you would have way more money than you do now - plus he won't be pissing a large chunk of it up against the wall. You will be in charge of every penny and where it is spent.

He spend the equivalent of about a bottle a day plus his disgusting cigarettes. He neeeeds them as he's an addict. His words. The wine is his way of relaxing and it's my fault he drinks. That I definitely will never buy.

He has given me the day off. Lucky me. He knows I'm too tired to do anything which is what always happens. He wants to do something so he'll create so e kind of trade off and then when my turn comes it's always at a time when it's impossible for me to do the thing I was supposed to or wanted to do!

I want to get away even more after all your replies this morning. I would quite readily just leave if I had the means.

No not all men are like this. I rarely argue with my DH and he'd never shout at me. And we are far from perfect.

Okay. Before I am flamed please read this disclaimer: I am probably wrong. But just in case I wanted to offer my experience.

First of all it sounds as though you are both very unhappy. He sounds as miserable as you.

My mother's advice on this one would be "pick your fights". Why organise an intimate night when he is having a leaving do and you know he can't say no to a pint or two. Some might point out that it was almost perfectly set up to fail.

Secondly. Do NOT argue with a drunk. It is pointless and dangerous and the children should not be subjected to you and your husband's shit (easier said than done).

If he ever leaves again let him go. Never ask him to return. Unless you are actually in the wrong.

If you believe he is actually an uncaring bastard incapable of being a good partner or father ask him to leave.

If not, get counselling. I think it sounds like two people at the end of their respective tethers.

If I were to imagine for a moment. You have a style of arguing which heaps on criticism. Hyper critical style. I have one of those learned from my mum.

He has a "I'm out of here" approach to arguing (apart from when he's drunk). My dh also has one of these.

My dh also carried on with the partying after the kids came along and we had this kind of awfulness, although he never shouted at me. It only ended when I drew the line. A life apart is much better than a life together like this.

You are not communicating. He is not listening. If you don't learn to communicate you will split up.

I am not sticking up for him or excusing him. He is behaving like an arse and when my dh was like this I sounded like you, angry, defeated and sad.

Draw the line this morning. Set out your needs. My number one would be counselling. Do you have good parents or does he have decent parents who you could involve for advice/mediation. I involved mine and they really were great.

We got through it and have emerged happier and closer. The kids have a great dad (not the hungover half ass). We don't have these arguments any more. He doesn't choose drinking over us anymore.

I think there are many couples going through the same struggle with alcohol. It is a big adjustment. My experience is that woman tend to get things into perspective and under control during pregnancy and things do change enormously. Mat leave. Bfing. Sleeplessness. While everything just stays the same for men so they struggle with the transition. It would be great if all men handled it perfectly but in my experience they don't.

Sorry for being so long. I just felt a familiarity to your words and wanted to let you know of an alternative to ltb.

Stop wasting your emotions on him and start focusing on creating the means to leave.

What will you need to leave?