Is it me or is he actually a bastard

[Wtafjusthappened]

Don't want to drip feed here but I'm exhausted (newborn) and reeling at DP's disgusting behaviour.

The past year or so has been non stop arguing and tantrums and I've tried not to let the DCs be exposed to any of it which is hard. He left last week again (he 'breaks up' with me every few weeks as I'm so unbearable apparently) claiming I'm insane jealous and he hates me. Right fine this happens on a regular basis and I each time go running after him.

Tonight he comes home after spending most if the day in the pub. Fine but why get drunk when we we supposed to spend the evening together? Cue insane screaming tantrum while I sob on the sofa with the baby and the toddler now in tears. Apparently I'm the fucking fun police and he is now done with my fucking shit and the lies I make up about him! Out he goes into the night. I come upstairs to bF baby. I call him and he actually answers and we have a pointless conversation where I apologise and he tells me he's had enough and will come home but isn't going to do anything. I asked if we can try and salvage tonight but he isn't interested. Apparently as he brought me chocolates and a crad this am I should be grateful.

I asked him not to get drunk and pointed out how shocking it was that our relationship was in a state that I would even have to ask that! He claims yes he had a few drinks but that's all normal as it's it leaving do and I don't ever let him do anything so I can just fuck off. Nice.

He claims he isn't drunk of course but he is as he is aggressive and for the first time I actually felt scared if him as he is so angry. He wouldn't become violent towards me that's for sure I've just never seen him
This angry and that says a lot.

I'm so angry with him for making me feel like an episode of bloody Jeremy Kyle but I'm so so tired and my defences are down so I just cave.

Please help see a way through this hideousness.

I've read your explanation twice and I can't see why you can't leave him (and I think you need to leave him and that things would be ten times easier).

Eirikur, I'd still like to give him the benefit of the doubt before leaving (Foxy take note) and see if this is something we an work through if he works on his 'ishooz' I feel I owe it to myself to see of there is any possibility of creating some semblance of a family here. Failing that LTB. That if course isn't going to happen today as I'm too tired to even think coherently so in the meantime I guess I just would like some handholding and support.

He is an entitled little shit and I'm really upset he fucked up last night as it's one of many things he fucked up. It wasn't so much that it was valentines day per se as it's overhyped but we had agreed to spend time together for a change and he bought champagne and all that and was going to make dinner but he turned up pissed and ruined it all. I said that I was disappointed as when he is pissed it's a different person and he objected to this observation of course. I'd been texting him abuse all day so I'd stressed him out. I'd asking him specifically not to do what he has done before as last night was important. He took it as if Wtafjusthappened is going to ask me not to do that, that's exactly what I'll do. I'll show her! Type thing. So he came home all riled anyway.

He is an adult yes he can do what he likes but when he upsets me and destabilises our relationship I can never say as he has neeedz. Well I had a need last night to try and get our relationship back on track and he pissed all over it. I did actually tell him that.

Stop crying. It's hard but when he starts on you say you don't want to argue and leave the room. If he says he's leaving say ok. Lock the door when he leaves. Don't waste your energy on him. If you can't split up you need to develop a coping mechanism until you realise you can leave.

Don't enter into any discussion, don't point out his wrongs, he won't acknowledge them and you'll just get more wound up. He can't argue with himself so just walk away.

Unfortunately I can't see how things would be easier at the moment. I'm financially dependent have DCs and am
Absolutely beyond tired with the newborn more tired than I was with the others. It's an overwhelming thought to be on my own at the moment and we do have common goals and things we are working towards so my issue is, is this a temporary thing with small children or do couples come through this? Or is he just an arrogant entitled only child syndrome type or aibu in expecting too much from him?

He doesn't really argue he stonewalls

Last night he was shouting though, it's a mixture really but mostly it's stonewalling. It goes on for days and then he'll want a hug and I will explain that's the last thing I feel
Like doing.

And yes I guess a coping mechanism is what I'm after.

Another woman. When you challenge his behaviour he immediately goes on the attack/defense. Why? I think he is hiding something and the secret is too much for him to bear so he lashes out at you instead of feeling guilty.

The disappearing off for long periods of time is a big red flag. Where and who does he go to?

You do have some legal protection as an unmarried couple because you are cohabitating. Don't believe him when he says you won't be able to cope on your own. He is using your exhaustion as a tool to control and brainwash you to make you into a nice compliant partner.

Speak to a solicitor to find out what your options are regarding custody. The first 30mins are free so you can see several different ones to get different opinions and help.

The next time he flies into a rage, call the police on 101 or 999(if he is violent) & tell them that you are scared so they have it on record even if no charges are made. So if he fights you for custody, this police record will count against him. You don't know how the future will turn out but you can try to go in your favour by preparing and doing your homework.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.scottishwomensaid.org.uk/

www.hmrc.gov.uk/individuals/index.shtml

Complete the hmrc benefits x calculator to see what & how much you are entitled to if you decide to leave him.

If your toddler is 2yrs old, then see if you are eligble for free nursery funding for 2 yr olds. That way, you can get some free time during the day to rest & plan your escape.

www.gov.uk/free-early-education

Buy a slow cooker and chuck stuff in there on low so you dont have to worry about cooking. Eat well & often and sleep when the baby sleeps and take your vitamins. Remember that he knows you are tired which is why he is confident that you will put up with his shit and wont leave him.

Also don't text him. If he texts telling you he's going out just text back fine x. I went through a similar thing with my dh when our youngest was born. I used to get very upset and ring and text. Then I stopped. I used to beg him to stay then one night I called his bluff and he left. He slept in the car. It was a turning point and things have improved massively. Sometimes when he has a drink he accuses me of imaginary wrongs, I disengage and walk away. It's hard not to defend yourself but he knows he's wrong really he just won't admit it in an argument.

OP I'd still like to give him the benefit of the doubt before leaving (Foxy take note) and see if this is something we an work through

You mean you haven't already given him a chance?! It sounds as you have repeatedly given them. This is not your fault and you can't change him and he doesn't want to change.

This is not normal. No, this isn't something relationships go through. And it shouldn't be something your children go through.

One step at a time. Today I'd research what the financial situation would be. Complete entitledto.com as though you are separated.

I hope he knows he is wrong.

I agree about him using my being exhausted as he spent try and alleviate it much.

What kind of secret could he be hiding?!

FFS. These are not relationships to be recommending lanbro!

Healthy, normal relationships are not about needing text strategies or how to handle his moods or how to get him to stay home for the evening or having to walk away during arguments.
Healthy, normal relationships are about laughing, supporting, dashing home to see the children and do bath time, cuddling on the settee, cherishing and respecting. This is normal and expected.

What he thinks about you being right or wrong or having a secret or not should not occupy your mind. Use that brain space for planning your new life.

Another woman is the secret he could be hiding.

I'm straying to come round now tht I'm waking up and he's come I to tell me he should be allowed to do what he wants and let his hair down. Agreed but we have a newborn at home who I'm looking after 100% while he goes and gets pissed. According to him he isn't allowed to do anything. That's bullshit as we've had this argument a few times too many.

How do I leave. I don't feel ready though. I want to do it on my terms when I'm in a stronger position and right now I feel so utterly broken down by him.

I don't need a telling off either for still being with him. So please don't make me feel even worse right now as it's not helpful. I'm all for tough love and that but I don't need a telling off. I know! I know it's all fucked.

Ms Asprey

Possibly. Then why the hell is he still here why doesn't he just bugger off to her? Why stay of he is so miserable with me?

OP I want to do it on my terms when I'm in a stronger position

This. Focus on this. Do not use your energies on wondering about another woman or having to explain to an adult how having a newborn changes your responsibilities.

Start looking at some of the websites mentioned above.

You know he's not going to change.
I get that it's scary to leave, but you need to be honest with yourself that at some point, you need to.
You love your kids, yet you're prepared to let then suffer this. One day you'll have the strength to get them and you away from this.
Until then, quit using up energy on him and thinking he'll be OK if he sorts out his "ishooz" - he won't, he's an arsehole and he is HAPPY. He ENJOYS treating you like this.
So use your energy to plan how you leave.

And you have at least 3 kids. PLEASE get some contraception before pregnancy makes it harder to leave. The best contraception is of course abstinence - appropriate for an arsehole who treats you like shit. But I expect you'd be scared to refuse him sex.

Talk to Women's Aid. You need to know your options, even if you're not ready to go yet.

There is no chance of pregnancy as there is no intimacy anyway contraception or not so thank god one less thing to worry about.

I've become so dependent on him and I haven't even realised it's been happening. I ask for his advice on the smallest things and can't move without asking him.

Noticing that is the first step OP, surely?

Sorry you're having such a shit time with this weasel. I agree with MsAspreyDiamonds, try to get the toddler into a nursery or similar in order to get some sleep yourself. Also consider that you might not be quite so exhausted if you didn't have to spend so much energy and negative emotion on your dp.

If you feel that right now you can't leave then cope for now by planning how you will leave. Hide away a little bit of spare cash. Your posts suggest that you no longer love, like or respect him and that's hard to come back from.

Mumsnet is great for advice and online support but is there anyone around you who you can talk to? Is your health visitor a good type?

I don't know. I need to do this calmly and slowly without him knowing from what I've read.

I asked him if there was another woman and he says only a bastard would do that to his family. Do I really think that little of him. And how hurtful and accusation that is and if I can't trust him there is no relationship anyway. All fair points I suppose but he could be lying. I've no evidence of anyone else and there are no issues with phones or iPads. Never been anything untoward on any devices that I've seen when we've been together anyway. So it really is just me he treats like utter shit I guess.

I put it all down to me giving a hard time for being an arsehole as he says but maybe I am deluding myself in thinking this entire time that his relationship has been anything than one long argument.

Maybe I don't like love or respect him and I'm projecting it onto him. That's a possibility. He says nothing he does feels good enough. But what he did last night wasn't!! So yes I'll pull him up for shit behaviour. Maybe I'm at fault in te way I go about it all.

Urgh. I don't know what is up or down anymore.

It isn't you. His behaviour is selfish and unreasonable, it's eroding your understanding if what's acceptable. No wonder you feel all turned upside down.