Is it me or is he actually a bastard

[Wtafjusthappened]

Don't want to drip feed here but I'm exhausted (newborn) and reeling at DP's disgusting behaviour.

The past year or so has been non stop arguing and tantrums and I've tried not to let the DCs be exposed to any of it which is hard. He left last week again (he 'breaks up' with me every few weeks as I'm so unbearable apparently) claiming I'm insane jealous and he hates me. Right fine this happens on a regular basis and I each time go running after him.

Tonight he comes home after spending most if the day in the pub. Fine but why get drunk when we we supposed to spend the evening together? Cue insane screaming tantrum while I sob on the sofa with the baby and the toddler now in tears. Apparently I'm the fucking fun police and he is now done with my fucking shit and the lies I make up about him! Out he goes into the night. I come upstairs to bF baby. I call him and he actually answers and we have a pointless conversation where I apologise and he tells me he's had enough and will come home but isn't going to do anything. I asked if we can try and salvage tonight but he isn't interested. Apparently as he brought me chocolates and a crad this am I should be grateful.

I asked him not to get drunk and pointed out how shocking it was that our relationship was in a state that I would even have to ask that! He claims yes he had a few drinks but that's all normal as it's it leaving do and I don't ever let him do anything so I can just fuck off. Nice.

He claims he isn't drunk of course but he is as he is aggressive and for the first time I actually felt scared if him as he is so angry. He wouldn't become violent towards me that's for sure I've just never seen him
This angry and that says a lot.

I'm so angry with him for making me feel like an episode of bloody Jeremy Kyle but I'm so so tired and my defences are down so I just cave.

Please help see a way through this hideousness.

so it is your fault he needs alcohol?? Do you realise how very wrong that is. I am so sorry he is treating you so appallingly while you are at your most vulnerable with young children.

I would be speaking to AlAnon for yourself and I would be getting him out of your home. Do you have family/friends nearby for support?

Do not ever minimise his drinking, it is not your fault, you cannot change it or take responsibility for it. Do not ever blame yourself for his behaviour. There is never ever any justification or excuse for his behaviour. I read that a man shows his true colours when drunk - my ex did. And he was at his very worst and most dangerous when my daughter was newborn. And it ruined her early months and years due to my fear of him and his drinking. Unforgiveable.

Rainbowsmiles

I'm
Hoping it's this as in what you've described as for the leaving drinks thing I'm fine with a few drinks but he goes that one step further and does exactly what he knows will ruin the evening.

He's had time enough to adjust as the newborn isn't our first?

Maybe I am expecting too much and he just can't deliver.

Right now he just isn't good enough.

You're all right though he has chosen to treat me like utter shit and it's made me into someone I'm starting to hate immensely.

Use today Wtaf as the day you emotionally left him. On Monday start your preparation and planning for leaving him properly. Go to CAB, Women's Aid, local council, benefits etc etc. I have no experience here to advise you but there are lots of MN's who have been in exactly your position who will give you advice and support in making this crucial step. Once you've made that emotional disconnection the rest is just a matter of practicalities and there will be people to help you get to a better place in your life

wtf I could have written your op 9 years ago

This is what I did. I decided I would start to try to cope with the dc on my own, using my ex for support when it suited me. So I could get into a routine and feel able to cope when I finally wanted him to go.

I went for some counselling, on my own, to get myself into a better mental state. My counsellor assured me that the exhaustion I was feeling was mostly down to the emotional stress.

When dc2 was 6 months old I kicked ex out
It was hard, but only physically. The relief of being away from the constant fuckwittery was immense

You CAN do it op. He won't change. He thinks he's doing you a favour by being with you.

You'll feel a whole lot better when you start planning the rest of your life

Dollytwat

That is good advice and yes it's exactly the exhaustion that frightens me. When I disengage I get things done and when I'm trying to fix things I'm bogged down and tired.

He's being all nice now he's sobered up and not all ego inflated. Up and down like a see saw!

It's called the cycle of abuse, it's exhausting
It's like having an appraisal every day of your faults.
Thing is he HAS to blame you, or he'd have to admit he is a fuckwit.

I always had a plan B, for when ex went off on a drinking binge, always on bank holidays. In fact I could see him trying to start a row a few days before

Start getting your support network around you. Start saving money for you. Let him do stuff. But the minute you can stop resenting him, the better you will feel

Let him go next time. Enjoy the peace. Get your ducks in a row for the fabulous hassle free life you deserve

logg1e I am aware what I am suggesting doesn't sound ideal but from experience if you are not ready to ltb you do need a coping mechanism. I know myself I am stronger and should things go seriously downhill again I would ask him to leave.

If 99.9% of the time things are great, dad does rush home, enjoy bathtime, all the things you say do you throw it all away for the 0.1% of the time things are tough? I amin no way saying women should stay in abusive relationships but advice to leave when op has already said she won't do that is useless. Surely advice on how to become stronger so that one day she will realise she can do it is better?

OP Maybe I am expecting too much

You could bullet point what you expect, and people could respond as to whether they expect the same and, if so, whether they get that from their partner. I am hesitant to advise you to spend any more time thinking about him, but I wonder if it would be time well-spent rebalancing your expectations and boundaries to everyday levels?

I love BakingAddict's suggestion of today being the day you emotionally left him. I've also read the advice of stepping outside the situation and being an observer, along the lines of, "Oh, he's doing the Nice phase to try to reel me back in".

lanbro If 99.9% of the time things are great, dad does rush home, enjoy bathtime, all the things you say do you throw it all away for the 0.1% of the time things are tough?

I think our tough times are more than 0.1% of the time, but they are "tough times" to do with money or tiredness or ill health they are not "he's a mean, selfish bastard times".

The day you emotionally left him is today

I lke that and agree. I remember that day for me. I cited bucket loads. But I knew it was for the last time

If you start planing in your head the practical things like where you will live, how much money will you have, how to do two bedtimes with a baby, childcare ic you are going back to work, that wil focus you

Even if you don't DO them, having a goid solid plan in your head will make you feel stronger and less helpless

*cited = cried

I like the idea of emotionally leaving him and I feel I pour all my energy into this relationship with nothing left for me.

I'm just wary of strangers who don't know the whole story advising ltb. I posted last year about my marriage problems and was advised to ltb by everyone. In 3 years we had both lost our jobs, had 2 babies, started a business, dealt with illness resulting in hospitalisation and it all became too much. I kept it hidden from everyone but in the end confided in family on both sides. We have honestly had a complete about turn which wouldn't have happened if I had taken advice on here.

obviously not every situation is the same but I think every avenue should be explored if both parties are open to it. No one should have to put up with abuse or be made to be at fault but through mediation I learnt that I could be unreasonable and though my husband's behaviour wasn't my fault I was contributing to some of the problems.

I put up with this for 11 years wtf and I still get it now - ex is still a selfish fuckwit. But I can ignore it. I don't let it affect me or the dc

That's where you need to get to. His midi shouldn't dictate your mood or your plans.

What support do you have? You're going to need some, you need to start getting your friends over to yours with a bottle of wine and start enjoying life.

lanbro only the op knows where she is in this. Everyone here will offer support whatever she does, the most important thing right now is to get strong mentally. That might mean stepping away emotionally for a while, because resenting someone else will destroy her

Ianbro

Thank you for your insight, I'm also of the camp that I'd like to explore every possibility as while is behaviour is disgusting and if at the heart of it he isn't having an affair, wants to make it work and is genuinely wanting to try then I owe it to myself to at least give myself the opportunity to have a functioning family.

We have had a lot to deal with births deaths job loss ill health near death you name it. He isn't supportive emotionally at all and I've become bitter and resentful as he claims he shows he cares by being practical and getting things done.

The above is statement of fact before I get a bollocking

Sorry didn't see other posts. Have no support as my friends all thing I've disappeared to raise my perfect family. Little do they know how much shame I feel at it all so much so I feel like a big fat fake if I do are them like I'm hiding a terrible secret. It's awful and I feel like a giant fraud.

OP can you describe exactly what it is you think you could do to create the opportunity for a functioning family? I ask because right now I'm just reading about things he's doing badly.

Not have a go at him when I fucks up , be a bit nicer probably, tolerate his annoying bad habits, not question him on everything and believe his answers, not always think the worst of him, be a bit more appreciative of the things he does do. Maybe.

He says he has changed massively but I haven't and I need to change. He is who he is and if that's not good enough as he clearly isn't then I need to tell him it's over. I explained a million times it's how he bloody treats me!!!

Honestly, I felt like you, shameful and like I'd let people down. Once I opened up and confided in people, including his parents, I felt so much better and stronger. I once felt like I was walking on eggshells and was afraid to say how I felt. I now tell him if I'm not happy with something, generally he is understanding and we resolve things quickly. Occasionally he doesn't want to listen so I simply state the facts and leave the room. After he has stewed for a bit we can resolve things. Upthread someone said pick your fights. This I agree with, and don't try and have a heartfelt discussion if he's had a drink!

If you both want to work through this you can but you'll need support. If he doesn't want to improve your life together then you will be better off without him. I know you're not married but you made a commitment to each other by having a family. I am not saying you should put up with abuse but it's not necessarily as black and white as splitting up unless he is completely against working things out. Can you arrange a time to have a frank discussion where you won't be interrupted by the dc? Find out exactly where he sees the relationship going and if he is willing to work at it?

Ok, picking up on some of your points (if you have the time and inclination!):

What count as his fuck ups and annoying bad habits?

What things does he do that you don't appreciate, that you should?

How has he changed massively?

Nobody but the OP knows the full story. That said, people only usually post when there is at the very least a small fire raging in the room, only they can make no sense of it, or there are other factors involved (e.g. financial dependency). The truth and the reality may be obscured, but the OP is searching for answers ... usually anyway.

But that said, I noticed you said you have no "protection", because you are not married. But this will not change, obviously, by staying with him longer.

Maybe read up on Narcissm and toxic behaviour generally might be helpful.

I used to get pissed off that he didn't change the loo roll, or put rubbish in the bin, or didn't wipe crumbs up. Little things which built up but actually in the grand scheme of things weren't important. I ignored other things he did do cos I was focusing on what he didn't do. Don't letrresentment build up. I don't know how old your dp is but mine is in his early 40s and lived on his own for years, obviously doing whatever suited him. Whilst obviously things have to change when you become a family you can't expect the whole personality of someone to change overnight. Is he much different to how he was when you first met? Before I get flamed I am not saying men shouldn't be involved in family life and should still lead a single mans life but there should be a middle ground, like women should still have time to be the person they were before children came along.

He supports us financially is what I meant but that's no reason to stay. He did threaten in a rage to stop paying bills which was reassuring! Those bills house feed and clothes his children.

Anyway not the issue really.

He says I stress him out and never leave him to get on with things, I'm negative towards him so he does want to try and be close to me.

He does want it to work but I prevent him.

It's all about him isn't it? How you bring him down, how you stop him having fun etc. You can talk about making this relationship work all you like but you are the only one doing the work. Sorry but I think you need to realise that nothing will change unless you make the change and move on without him. That might, just might, make him wake up to reality but if you stay you and your children will be in a living nightmare.
Stop making excuses for him - he is an adult with two very young children and he should start acting like a responsible father. The time for going binge drinking down the pub was for when he was single. Look at what benefits you can get as a single mother and plan your escape.