Is it me or is he actually a bastard

[Wtafjusthappened]

Don't want to drip feed here but I'm exhausted (newborn) and reeling at DP's disgusting behaviour.

The past year or so has been non stop arguing and tantrums and I've tried not to let the DCs be exposed to any of it which is hard. He left last week again (he 'breaks up' with me every few weeks as I'm so unbearable apparently) claiming I'm insane jealous and he hates me. Right fine this happens on a regular basis and I each time go running after him.

Tonight he comes home after spending most if the day in the pub. Fine but why get drunk when we we supposed to spend the evening together? Cue insane screaming tantrum while I sob on the sofa with the baby and the toddler now in tears. Apparently I'm the fucking fun police and he is now done with my fucking shit and the lies I make up about him! Out he goes into the night. I come upstairs to bF baby. I call him and he actually answers and we have a pointless conversation where I apologise and he tells me he's had enough and will come home but isn't going to do anything. I asked if we can try and salvage tonight but he isn't interested. Apparently as he brought me chocolates and a crad this am I should be grateful.

I asked him not to get drunk and pointed out how shocking it was that our relationship was in a state that I would even have to ask that! He claims yes he had a few drinks but that's all normal as it's it leaving do and I don't ever let him do anything so I can just fuck off. Nice.

He claims he isn't drunk of course but he is as he is aggressive and for the first time I actually felt scared if him as he is so angry. He wouldn't become violent towards me that's for sure I've just never seen him
This angry and that says a lot.

I'm so angry with him for making me feel like an episode of bloody Jeremy Kyle but I'm so so tired and my defences are down so I just cave.

Please help see a way through this hideousness.

I'm worried that the thread discussion is veering towards putting the blame on women and excusing men from not adapting to their new responsibilities when children come along.

Whilst the man is leaving crumbs and not replacing toilet rolls they've finished, and wanting to suit himself and wanting to spend family money and time in the pub and not wanting to change overnight who is picking up the pieces and adapting and surviving and putting the children first?

How can the OP change anything if every time she tries to address the problems, he threatens to leave her and not support his kids? He's a selfish, manipulative fuckwit!

Ianbro

I think you're closer to what's going on maybe. He hates having his freedom restricted ie running around after babies but he does do it and does play with the older one. Bit distant with the new one.

He is emotionally very disconnected which is worrying.

I'm not saying it's entirely him but his behaviour right now is shocking. He knows it but blames be for his actions and won't take responsibility.

We argue all day in text like teenagers.

Hell on earth sums it up really.

He is used to doing what he wants but so am I however I gave it all up for the children while they are small out of necessity. It's not a case of constantly out on the piss but it's the continual and constant drinking and running off and lunchtime drinking.

I'm at home doing all the childcare and expect some understanding and support. He doesn't do emotional support he says he does all the practical stuff.

At the risk of projecting my ex's behaviour, he used to accuse me of not changing. It got to a point where I didn't know who I was any more, always looking for the things that he said pissed him off. It's taken a while to get back to who I really am, a confident outgoing woman who has a valid point of view

My ex even says NOW how i haven't changed. It's meant as an insult. I take it as a compliment because he STILL thinks I should change myself to suit him and his moods

Only you know wtf if he's a narc type personality who you will never be good enough for him to deem to respect, or whether you perhaps do need to change some things

Whichever it is, the situation at the moment is soul destroying. You need some space from that

Xposts

It seems like the responsibility of children is cramping his style. That's not a good enough excuse

I'm certainly not excusing men I'm simply trying to say that could be what's happening. I think it's easier sometimes for women to adapt to parenthood, from the moment you find out you are pregnant your life changes. For a man it is usually the arrival of the baby when change starts. Maybe they feel surplus to requirements especially if bf? Maybe they feel pushed out? Of course they shouldn't but we're all human at the end of the day, and feelings happen.

I know my dh resented our second daughter at the beginning. He shouldn't have, she was planned but of course all my focus went on her. He absolutely adores her now and is ashamed of his initial feelings.

I'm not a portioning blame but trying to explore possible reasons why things may have gone downhill.

Whatever the reason, his behaviour is not acceptable. Nobody should be put in the position where they feel afraid of their partner. He is a father and a partner, but he isn't behaving like either at the moment.

I like the phrase that love is an action. If someone loves you, they show that in how they treat you. He is treating you appallingly, and you know it.

Even if you can't leave at the moment, start making plans to leave. Life could be much better than this.

I agree that he is treating you appallingly. Only you can decide whether you can/want to come back from this.

he actually a bastard

Apart from everything else, he sounds like an alcoholic. Perhaps AlAnon (the branch of AA for families of alcoholics) might be able to give you some clarity on some aspects of his behaviour? Some of what he's doing sounds like addict behaviour- especially the manufacturing of arguments to give him an excuse to drink, the blaming you for his drinking and the constant glass of wine. Have a look online. My heart goes out to you.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Have no support as my friends all thing I've disappeared to raise my perfect family. Little do they know how much shame I feel at it all so much so I feel like a big fat fake if I do are them like I'm hiding a terrible secret. It's awful and I feel like a giant fraud.

So you are isolated and have no support, and feel ashamed.
That is terribly sad. You have done nothing wrong.

I gather from your posts that you are resistant to the idea of trying to disengage from this man, and feel some need to keep on trying at the relationship. However, you need support.

The phone number for Women's Aid is 0808 2000 247. I urge you to call. They are always busy so you will have to leave a message. And call that Al Anon number too.

Before you say 'That's not me, I'm not covered in bruises,' Women's Aid is not just for women whose partners beat them black and blue every Friday night. It is also for women who feel so enmeshed in the secret and the shame and who feel so powerless and trapped (by children, finances and isolation) that they feel they have no options.

You are never going to win an argument with this man.
So you have to stop trying.
You have to simply stop. No more texting him all day to try to win and make him see sense.
No more talking to him about the relationship, only to have him blame you for thinking he is a bastard.
He is laughing all the way to the pub at the good of all that. He has all the power here and he is just dangling you on strings like his puppet. And he knows it.

He is emotionally very disconnected which is worrying.
He is never going to give you anything he knows you need, simply because that way he can rub your face in the fact that you can't make him give it to you. So you are never going to get the support you need from him. He wants to participate in this relationship only on his terms, never on yours.
All he wants to do here is make you feel small and humiliated and powerless.

He is not looking for what you are looking for in this relationship.
He is after an ego trip. He has turned this relationship into a power game because what his ego needs is the sense of holding all the cards, of being superior, of being powerful.

You are looking for a normal happy family life, based on love and mutual respect, with decent behaviour from all. This is not going to happen. The obstacles are his mindset and personality (completely selfish and defensive and completely unable and unwilling to share power in a relationship or approach it with mutuality as a goal), and alcohol (addiction is a huge obstacle to unselfish thought and behaviour). Alcohol also allows someone to 'lose control' of himself and become violent.

There is no reason for him to change. He is getting exactly what he wants served up to him on a plate. What he wants is the feeling that no woman is going to tell him what to do. This is his idea of what it means to be a man.
You are powerless to stop him hurting you or make him change.

You are not going to win here. While you are stuck there trying to get through to him, your children are going to absorb it all, and you are going to be slowly destroyed.

I am also wary of the knee-jerk LTB response that is so often given on mumsnet, a lot of time it feels like projecting. And despite what you have said, we really know very little about your relationship.

But I do think you needs to look for your old friends and seek to make new ones. Just because you dropped them does not mean that they have dropped you, you might be pleasantly surprised.

In abusive relationship the abuser generally manages to separate the one being abused from their support network, is that what has happened? Even if it isn't, everyone needs friends and it is not good that you have cut yourself off.

I walked out. I left milk in the fridge said I was going to get some air and I'm heading back now. Liberating. Went to see my friends and they have missed me.

I didn't go into any details as he has complicated a friendship with one of them but never the less it was nice to be amongst friends for a change.

Bit if rabbit in headlights moment as I haven't set foot on the tube for ages let alone sit in a busy pub!!

Good to hear that you've had a lovely time with your friends this evening, even if the environment was a bit unfamiliar nowadays.

Why is he so bloody angry all the time he has nothing to be pissed off about ffs. Ungrateful and unappreciative about all of it.

Because anger makes you afraid, focuses all of your attention on him, and drains your energy, and fear in general plus being completely exhausted emotionally makes you stay.

He does not care about your two lovely babies. He does not care about the love you want to share with him. He wants power.

I hope you are safe. I hope he will not see your evening out as an act of defiance that has to now be punished.

No he doesn't care I've gone out he isn't like that but he will use in for the next time he gets pissed or he does something. There always has to be a trade off and usually the there is a massive imbalance so I've stopped doing anything as he will use it later when he goes one step too far like last night.

Keeping accounts in his head is not a good thing.

The way I told my nearest and dearest about what was going on in my relationship was in a letter I composed and sent by a mass email. At the end of the letter I apologised for keeping everyone in the dark and asked for their support and patience as this was a difficult situation for me. I said straight out 'What I need from you is your support and patience as I work through this towards the best solution I can figure out'. I got no scolding from anyone about keeping it under my hat up to then.

Keeping accounts really is a way to punish you. It's deferred punishment.

The messages he gives when he balances your nights with friends against his sprees are:
(1) that your behaviour is the equivalent of his (so if you are telling him he is being unreasonable then he is telling you you are also being unreasonable)
and
(2) it also tells you that you need to weigh up your needs carefully to see if filing them is really worth the unpleasantness and the hassle.

In the end as you have recognised, it is far easier for you to just sit tight and not make the effort while he goes ahead and does exactly what he wants.

Yes, mathanxiety is right. This is also part of the technique of separating you from your friends as you end up feeling that the hassle is not worth it.
I must say it does sound like an abusive relationship, anyone who loved you would be glad you finally got round to visiting your friends.

Just wanted to check how you are doing now op? I know my opinions haven't been popular with some posters but I feel I understand your situation as I was in the same boat recently, who knows, my opinion might change down the line but I think I have made the right decision to work at our marriage. I hope you can also come to the right decision for you, regardless of what that may be.

I hoping that we can work towards more understanding but it can't all come from my side. He still maintains I make him feel trapped and not wanting to stop doing the things which upset him. He can't find resolution with me and I'm unbending but the way I see it is I won't keep quiet when he displays hurtful selfish behaviour.

He is rather different to my usual group of friends and we so have different interests however we are quite similar in character in many way a too.

The problem he has is I will imagine a likely scenario and present it to him and he will then become angry and tell me I'm being crazy for even thinking in such a way.

'The problem he has is I will imagine a likely scenario and present it to him and he will then become angry and tell me I'm being crazy for even thinking in such a way.'

???

I'll give my possible version of events when he has done something to upset me ie what I think his motivation for it is and yes invariably it will be negative and he will fly I to a rage and tell me I'm wrong and awful and think the worst of him etc etc

I'm judging on past behaviour and usually there is truth in my judgments unfortunately. Not always but it's become a negative cycle whereby I'm waiting for him to do something ridiculous eg the other night.

So yes maybe it is a no win situation set up to fail each time even when he doesn't fuck it all up.

Hope this makes sense in my exhaustion induced haze....

It sounds to me like you have got into a mother and son relationship where you lay down rules and he rebels. You also sound like you are always seeing the worst in him and that is damaging too.

I really think communication is so broken down you need counselling.

And I picked up on the fact that you haven't told your friends because they think you are living a perfect life. I'd say they won't think that. And couples with small children having problems is normal. Not a failure. I think you need to step back. Get a counsellor sorted and stop trying to fix him.he needs to do that himself. You just concentrate on you and kids.

I actually think it will be alright. I just think you need some help. And you know, if you get the help and do what you can and it doesn't work then you can split up knowing you did all you can.

Nobody is living a perfect life.

I do I suppose expect it all to run smoothly in a way and can't cope when something goes wrong between us or he does something wrong. So much has happened recently that I mostly likely expect complete compliance and anything which deviates from that means it's all over and the relationship is doomed.

I'm probably holding on to his so called past transgressions and maybe find it hard to forgive him for the hurt he has caused.

He used to be incredibly flaky and in many ways still is so I'm waiting for him to completely fuck up again I guess which I know may not be fair.