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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else having a miserable valentines day?

163 replies

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 09:23

I got no gifts which is standard and absolutely fine. But I was also once again rejected sexually last night and so am feeling very glum.

I always feel more connected after we have made love which doesn't happen very often at all anymore, I seem to have my physical needs more and more starved as the years go on which has had a huge affect on my physical appearance and on my mental stability.

So its valentines day and I feel awful. Like half a woman.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2014 09:03

Sometimes a relationship is simply wrong on so many levels that everyone in it realises it's time to call it a day. His detached attitude could mean he's realised it for some time. Could mean other things of course... Doesn't necessarily mean the people in the relationship are bad people.

LilyBlossom14 · 15/02/2014 09:04

I think he gave up on your marriage a long time ago - you aren't giving up, you are just realising you deserve more.

pumpkinsweetie · 15/02/2014 09:05

sorry to hear this op, he doesn't deserve you.
I also agree re this was inevitable, you are just putting an end to a relationship that has already finished, completely on his part.

He hasn't and doesn't want to put the work in, whereas you gave it your all.
Relationships are a two way street, he obviously isn't worth your effort.

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 15/02/2014 09:25

He is insistent he will never have a sexual relationship again.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2014 09:31

That's a weird thing to insist on. Still, not really your problem any more is it?

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 15/02/2014 09:31

I thought what we had, the kids the lovely house, the friendship... Was worth fighting for but he is not prepared. Apparently I have damaged him so much by directing him in the early parts of our relationship that he will never feel comfortable having sex again.

OP posts:
TinselTownley · 15/02/2014 09:51

That's what he's saying, OP, but you don't have to accept that. If he had a problem with sex from the start, he could have talked to you. You could have looked to make improvements together.

My recent ex blames me for everything. I am so conditioned to the way he is that sometimes I find myself accepting this or finding it plausible. However, I then remember that none of these things were said to me at the time - how nothing was ever discussed - and how we all walked on eggshells waiting for the next bout of unreasonable behaviour, never knowing where it would come from and what might trigger it.

I am receiving some counselling now. It is already proving positive in clarifying the actuality of the relationship, rather than his (or my) view of the relationship. I heartily recommend it.

When you are away from him, the burden of carrying all that blame will diminish and - however tough it gets (and there will be good days and very, very bad days), that alone will free you up to think clearly and find the strength to take on your own challenges. You can't carry everything for him and you any longer.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/02/2014 10:00

I was going to say he sounds like a good man but just not really the man for you, but that blaming you for turning him off was really below the belt. He may be relieved, or at least not that bothered, at things ending between you but I suspect it does sting a bit and this is a subtle lashing back.

He does sound like he will make a decent enough co-parent though, and maybe you can still be friends when the relationship pressure is off. Some people just aren't cut out to be life partners and I think your H is one of them.

As for you, 30 is far, far too young to climb into your coffin and pull down the lid. I'm 55 and I still wouldn't want to say never again!

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 15/02/2014 10:26

He is a good man. Hopefully he can sort his shit out and find another human to share that with.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 15/02/2014 10:30

Yes - hopefully one who isn't interested in sex!

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 15/02/2014 10:37

Well I got a homemade card from the kids when I got back from work this morning. Paint still wet so I can't really look at it yet but at least he's done something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fifyfomum · 15/02/2014 11:24

He wants me to give him another chance. He is really upset.

He said that he will focus on being a better husband to me and making me feel special and wanted

OP posts:
Original poster
Fifyfomum · 15/02/2014 11:24

He wants me to give him another chance. He is really upset.

He said that he will focus on being a better husband to me and making me feel special and wanted

OP posts:
Original poster
Fifyfomum · 15/02/2014 11:25

We are a family. I have to try. I have told him I cannot be here again. Not ever

OP posts:
LilyBlossom14 · 15/02/2014 11:29

so he expects you to stay with him and accept that you won't have sex again? That is a pretty big ask isn't it? How is he going to make you feel special if he constantly rejects you?

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 15/02/2014 11:45

No he is going to work on the sex issue.

He is going to change not me.

OP posts:
TinselTownley · 15/02/2014 11:45

Has he apologised for blaming you for his sexless existence?

TinselTownley · 15/02/2014 11:55

Because, if he hasn't, by which I mean actually understanding that it was wholly unfair rather than just paying it lip service to stop any change or disruption to his life, then he won't be able to work on anything.

Sherlockholmes221b · 15/02/2014 12:01

Oh Fify, I'm so sorry to hear he'd rather give up on his marriage than take steps to try and improve his libido, that is so sad. I imagine he'd be reluctant to talk this through with a GP and that is another reason from his point of view not to even try. As you say it is obviously not that big a deal for him, he can live without sex, but for him to be aware that it should be an integral part of a good marriage and to know how much it matters to you and STILL not be prepared to do anything about it tells you everything you need to know. You are doing the right thing, either the impending separation will bring him to his senses or you'll build a new life without him.
You were absolutely right to tell him when he was hurting you during sex when you first got together, how else do we learn and how else do we stop making the same mistakes repeatedly - no-one is going to enjoy sex if it's painful. It sounds like he is using this as an excuse for your current situation.
I'm sure this isn't the last conversation you'll be having and I hope you can work something out, if not you stuck with at as long as you could and far longer than most women would - 9 years is a long time to be in a virtually sexless relationship, particularly during your 20's.
Hope today isn't too rough for you xxx

Sherlockholmes221b · 15/02/2014 12:13

Sorry didn't refresh, I'm behind the curve. Fantastic Fify, he's going to work on it.
Maybe you could go and see a therapist together, invest in some massage oil. I know they tell you to take the pressure off for the first few weeks and not even think about orgasm but just concentrate on becoming intimate again. So happy for you Grin better invest in a Rampant Rabbit as well for the short term

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 15/02/2014 12:14

I'm allergic to latex sherlock!

We will definitely get some massage oil though

OP posts:
Sherlockholmes221b · 15/02/2014 12:17

Ok a really powerful shower head then!

SolidGoldBrass · 15/02/2014 12:21

You have totally done the right thing Fify. But if this man is as psychologically sadistic as I suspect, it might not be over.

If he is just lazy, selfish and borderline-asexual then he may actually become a good co-parent and a good friend, while you are free to find other men who will enjoy and appreciate you as a sexual woman, whether that's for another longterm relationship or just for fun.

However, if he has been gaining enjoyment throughout your marriage from controlling you, upsetting you and making you hate yourself, then he's not going to want to let go. So he will try guilt trips, lies, worthless apologies, promises to change (which are followed up by no change at all) and a variety of manipulative behaviour. I'd actually recommend you look into some sort of online counselling to strengthen you and prepare you for any tricks he may have planned.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/02/2014 12:23

X-post, so he's started already. Good luck with disentangling yourself Sad

mammadiggingdeep · 15/02/2014 12:26

I'm sorry but I think the issues are too big just to completely turn it around by him 'trying'. He's had a total 360 on saying he'll never have sex again !!! He blames you for it- where can you go from there??

Counselling might help??