Anyone else having a miserable valentines day?

[Fifyfomum]

I got no gifts which is standard and absolutely fine. But I was also once again rejected sexually last night and so am feeling very glum.

I always feel more connected after we have made love which doesn't happen very often at all anymore, I seem to have my physical needs more and more starved as the years go on which has had a huge affect on my physical appearance and on my mental stability.

So its valentines day and I feel awful. Like half a woman.

Oh please don't do that , I was 50 before I started mine that's a lot of life to wish away

I am praying beyond all reason that work will have someone go sick and have some shifts for me tomorrow so that I can be out of the house.

"I'm kind of counting down the days to the menopause"

What a sad waste of a life sticking around someone who makes you feel worse than necessary for another 20+ years. What does he do for a sex-life I wonder?

You deserve so much better. Please seek advice about leaving

I don't know that I do deserve better.

All I want to do is have a husband who I can love, who loves me back, who wants to be passionate with me and who I can care for and be cared for.

I have failed at that.

I just need to not have sex anymore.

If you meet someone new and they don't like you, that doesn't make you a failure. If your husband doesn't like you, that still doesn't make you a failure... it makes him a rotten husband.

Everything you want is entirely normal and possible. But not with this man who prefers to crush your spirit to the point that you don't think you deserve better than rejection, insults and disrespect.

Do you belong to a family/society/religious order that frowns on divorce?

No, no family. No religion or society.

And you're in the UK?

Yes

OK, just checking that the ideas about sexual repression and self-loathing weren't coming from some external source. When you say 'no family' do you mean that literally?

Yes I am estranged.

What does he say about what he wants? Have you properly discussed it with him? Told him what you've told us?

you are not going to change his behaviour though - but you can change your own by leaving him and finding someone who does make you feel worthwhile. What an utter waste of a life if you just sit and wait for him to want you.

YOU HAVENT FAILED (sorry for shouting but you need to hear this) - if anyone has it is your husband.

Why are you estranged from your family?

Because they told me that I was worthless, ugly nd stupid and allowed me to be abused for many years.

I am worthless and ugly but I am not stupid.

Thats the rub really.

Its not just him, its never just been him.

Its every person I have ever loved or been close to.

Fify this is heartbreaking to read - you deserve so much more than this.

For him to keep putting you down and showing so little affection makes it not worth staying with him surely? Can''t you imagine a better life on your own where you can build up your self-esteem and find friendships that are fulfilling?

I'm sorry your family are so unpleasant and it's easy to see why you have such low self-confidence and why that could make you vulnerable to ill-treatment from others. You're certainly not worthless or ugly and you definitely don't have to tolerate it.

Have you ever sought counselling?

The only counselling available to me is 30 miles away due to budget cuts.

Why is 30 miles a problem?

WE have a Harmonious marriage?

Op I'm sorry there is no we in that statement, he might have you don't. Your 30 are you seriously considering trying to block one of the only instincts we are actually born with.

He gets to the docs and gets this sorted or he's having it somewhere else, or gay either way this is a half half life yet alone a half marriage.

Oh lovey if you don't love yourself you cannot expect none else too either. Because you feel so crap and worthless, your practically giving every other toss pot out there permission to a abuse you emotionally. If you tell someone one for long enough negative statements bout themselves they will eventually live up to that label.

The talk of taking stuff to suppress the libido makes me want to weep!
Please don't do that it's crazy. He's the one with the problem, not you x

OP You are NOT worthless or ugly. My husband hasnt touched me for 18 years. After the first seven years of this id piled on the weight to 21 stone. I went to Slimming World and lost 10 stone I met someone at work and felt attracted to him so not for the first time i asked DH to go to counselling. He didnt want to.. I had an affair with the work colleauge which lasted 4 and a half years. Affair ended in early 2008. My weight went up again but nowhere near where it was before. In the last six months ive been eating healthily and excsersising and have lost nearly 2 stone (it comes off a bit slower now in ten years older) I am trying to own my own happiness. I cope most of the time but last month was particularly bad. I was crying a lot and had the shakes and felt very anxious. It is not a happy place to be although i feel a lot more confident now ive dropped a bit of weight again. Sex drive does go up with the confidence though. Well it seems to happen that way for me anyway.
At the moment i would just settle for a hug.
OP You are worth and deserve SO much more You ARE!