Anyone else having a miserable valentines day?

[Fifyfomum]

I got no gifts which is standard and absolutely fine. But I was also once again rejected sexually last night and so am feeling very glum.

I always feel more connected after we have made love which doesn't happen very often at all anymore, I seem to have my physical needs more and more starved as the years go on which has had a huge affect on my physical appearance and on my mental stability.

So its valentines day and I feel awful. Like half a woman.

He does have a bit of a belly but it doesnt both me at all.

Would you want to spend your birthday out somewhere by yourself for the day to get a break? Get haircut? Wander around shops? Get a cafe lunch?

Has he offered to do anything special for your birthday? (Sorry so many questions)

Finally how many times in last 6mths has he declined/forbidden sex?

Don't think you can assume your sex drive goes off like a light switch at 50 either OP, I'm coming up to 51 and it's still an important element of marriage. I suppose the question is can you bear this situation for another 10, 20 or more years? If the answer in 'no' do something about it NOW don't waste any more time. It may be you can work through the situation with your DH. (I think altogetherwonderful may be on to something with her suggestion that he's got a medical issue and is avoiding sex rather than facing the fact that he's struggling to get an erection) or it may be that you need to find someone else who can fulfil your emotional and sexual needs.

Another one telling you that there is no off-switch on your sex-drive at 50. Well I'm only 49 but, if anything, I'm just getting into my stride!!! :)

Tinseltownley I am so with you! I am having the best valentines day for 15 years. I have gorgeous flowers given to me by my sisters, I have treated myself to a romantic meal for 1 in bed in my pyjamas and managed to sneak an hour with DD who is with her dad this week as I picked her up from school. This is so much more than I've ever had (I was used to the square route of f**k all birthdays, christmas, valentines....) and most importantly I don't have the yearly disappointment of feeling like the only woman in the world who's husband can't be bothered to ever do anything (and that included sex!), and valentines day used to make me feel even worse than usual! But not this year!!!!!! (Separated 2 months ago).

And tonight I'm not having sex by choice - rather than not having sex as I've been rejected by my husband (again), and it's very liberating!

I don't know what to do. He isn't abusive, he is a good dad. It seems like a very selfish reason to split the family up.

Wanting to be loved and shown kindness, affection & respect isn't selfish at all. Being in a good long-term relationship should make you feel more confident, more self-assured, more respected.... not living some miserable half life wishing for vaginal atrophy or chemical neutering to fix things. That he's not abusive in the sense of violence is not an attribute, it's a given.

Splitting a family up is not something you do lightly. So I'd suggest you got some professional advice from CAB, a solicitor or similar. Just knowing you have options may improve your assertiveness.

Freedom that actually sounds really great.

Fify...please don't kid yourself that your sexual drive will diminish with the menopause. I am 62 and well past the menopause. My sexual drive is still fully functioning and showing no signs of apathy. You need to look seriously at getting out of this awful relationship. Please don't waste your life and your sexuality on this man.

Me me me me!!! Having your mate at school telling you your recent ex just was loving it up all over twitter with his new 'whatever' didn't help me trying to hide from it today - grrr x

Fifyfo, if this is the only issue and you don't want to split up the family then talk to your husband and see if you can work out a solution. If he realises that this is an issue he could loose you over he may be more open about what's causing the problem. It's possible he needs medicating, it's definite that you don't. Please don't take unnecessary medicines to kill a perfectly normal and healthy sex drive.

So sorry you're in this situation.

Please, please do t wish your life away. Don't wish your sexual urges away either- it's part of being human, part of living!!!

Please take yourself out on your birthday and treat yourself- even if its for lunch and a coffee.

He doesn't care that much.

I went and spoke to him and I said how angry I was that he had used sex against me again and how shit a day I'd had. He told me that when we were 21 and had just got together, for a long time he didn't think he was any good at sex, which he wasn't, that I had 'told him off' too often about (often hurting me) and he felt he could do nothing right.

So now he doesn't feel at all comfortable having sex with me or anyone and that is just the way it is.

I explained to him that I didn't think it was abnormal for two people to have to learn each other at the start of a relationship and yes, it's been difficult for me to adjust to both his lack of sexual desire and his not-natural abilities in the bedroom.

He insists that he is not trying to hurt me but I have told him I cannot have a life without sex and he has announced he could quite happily live a life without sex. He still feels he is bad at it (I've told him many times he is not) and so he is not interested in having sex anymore.

So that's that really. He is moving out at the end of the month.

The thing is, I've already had to reduce my libido from wanting regular sex to only having sex when I am really, really urging it when ovulating so to cut it back even more seems impossible to me.

I actually used a line from here, that I would rather have next valentines day knowing it was my choice, rather than because I'd been rejected by my husband again.

He is abusive OP. He so is.

Tell me it's not my fault, that it's normal for a person to tell someone if they are hurting them?

I have a journal entry here from that time he talks about and it says that I am so frustrated because we will have sex and I will never orgasm, that he would go to the toilet and I would frantically try and get myself off before he appears again from the bathroom.

Was it wrong of me to teach him how to help me enjoy it???

Is this something I can help him through now?

How kind of him to blame you. How kind and desperately insincere.

Your life will be immeasurably better without him. It will be a full life where you get to live each day as the 'whole woman' you are.

I suspect you will get over him quite quickly too. Quicker than you think.

I think it will work quite well, he can see the kids every Wednesday night and Friday night and alternate weekends.

We will manage and he will still be a part of our lives of course but this hopeless lovelessness will be over.

OP im 40 and my sex drive hasnt diminished either. I think part of the reason i was panicking last month was because im getting closer to menopause age with each passing year and i sometimes panic that i will get to a certain age and not want it myself but seeing the previous posters on here saying the opposite gives me hope and the way i feel about sex (i love it) i dont think me going off it will be the case.
He doesnt care about your feelings OP He IS being abusive. And bloody selfish.

We talked a lot last night and he said it was going to be really difficult to live apart from the kids. I asked why and how it got to this and he said the reason he has never done anything about it on other occasions is complacency on his part. He has known it is a problem and has just not bothered to improve it, I said I didn't know what else I could possibly have done to help him in that and he said he didn't know how to change, he always sticks to things for a short while and then leaves them.

He has no interest in sorting this out for himself either, sex is not a big part of his life and he is quite happy to remain celibate for the rest of it.

So in short he is lazy and couldn't care less about it. He is just sorry it has hurt me, that was not his intention.

Feeling odd this morning, had weird dreams.

Feeling like I am giving up on our marriage and I feel bad for that, I just don't know what else I can do with someone who clearly doesn't want to change.

Your mind will be mulling everything over, and thinking while you sleep.

You've been patient for a long time, your husband is the one unwilling to change, he's the one giving up.

I agree. You didn't give up, he did. You're just doing the inevitable bit of finishing it totally. You've probably stick at it longer than a lot of people would.

Hope you're ok x

He doesn't even seem that bothered, hasn't fought or begged or anything

Guess it's really not that important to him.