Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else having a miserable valentines day?

163 replies

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 09:23

I got no gifts which is standard and absolutely fine. But I was also once again rejected sexually last night and so am feeling very glum.

I always feel more connected after we have made love which doesn't happen very often at all anymore, I seem to have my physical needs more and more starved as the years go on which has had a huge affect on my physical appearance and on my mental stability.

So its valentines day and I feel awful. Like half a woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 14:18

That is a sixty mile round trip. I have two child eke under 5, I work 20 hours a week minimum, study 16 hours a week and do 3 hours volunteering.

I just do not have the time.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 14:34

An hour's travelling seems a small price to pay to get your life back.

wyrdyBird · 14/02/2014 14:43

Telephone and online counselling is becoming increasingly available, if you would like to consider it at some point.

For example
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/talk-someone/telephone-counselling

whattodoforthebest2 · 14/02/2014 14:45

Try it for a month Fify and then decide if its worth it.

Keepithidden · 14/02/2014 14:45

Email based counselling?

I'm sure someone, somewhere has looked into offering a Skype based counselling service?

Everyone's right Fify, you're worth far more than you've been told in your life so far. Time to start getting some of that kharma back, god knows you've got some credit in the spiritual bank, cash it in!

wyrdyBird · 14/02/2014 14:49

Your parents' awful treatment of you is likely to have set you up to seek out others who treat you badly (though they may appear lovely at the start).

I'm trying to say, even if you might feel you are the common factor in relationship problems, it is much more likely your 'relationship programming' is at fault, and not you. (Sorry, can't think of a better term)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 14:56

Actually wyrdybird, it's not that people who have been abused 'seek out' more of the same, it's usually that they crave affection so much and have such poor templates for what constitutes loving behaviour that they find it difficult to recognise when the seemingly nice person in front of them is actually toxic. They are used to tolerating extremely bad treatment so mildly bad treatment seems acceptable by comparison.

'Cessation of abuse should not be mistaken for kindness'

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 15:01

I did try the counselling, for over a month actually.

The hour there and hour back for 50 minutes of counselling was just not worth the stresses of getting out there in my knackered old car, having to miss appointments because of the kids, getting phoned by the nursery because my 1 year old was crying for me with a temperature and it taking me an entire hour to get to him.

Not worth it, more stress than less.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 14/02/2014 15:04

You're right, cogito. No one goes looking for people like that, I didn't mean that exactly - just that you're set up for it.
Poor templates for loving behaviour, is a better way to put it.

Keepithidden · 14/02/2014 15:04

I've found email counselling useful. Went through Relate. Even if it's just to vent, a bit like a more intimate version of MN with a professional really.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 15:09

I know you didn't mean it that way wyrdybird, don't worry :) It's just important to stress to someone who already believes they are worthless that they didn't bring any of this on themselves.

OP... can't your DH look after the children when you go to the counselling appointments? Pick them up from nursery if they have a temperature etc? You said earlier that your marriage was harmonious and he was a good father. That's the kind of things good fathers are supposed to do.

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 15:10

He doesn't drive unfortunately.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 15:11

Taxis? Buses? ...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 15:13

BTW I realise I'm being persistent here but I think your personal solution to your problems... i.e. some form of 'neutering' so that you can tolerate your miserable life ... is such a depressing thing to hear from a young woman that some persistence is called for.

AngelaDaviesHair · 14/02/2014 15:20

It's not really about giving you 'practical' solutions though. Try and change your thinking. You're not having sex in this relationship, which proves nothing about you, it just means you're not having sex in this relationship.

Please don't think it's all your fault and he's fine. At the very least, the pair of you reached this point together and the reasons for that are about both of you. However, from the relatively little you've posted he sounds pretty callous and unkind.

Please also don't just wave your life away. You are young, you have options even if you can't take them up right now. Tell yourself you won't be in such a bad place by this time next year, and start thinking about you could achieve that.

For what it is worth, the year I was 30 was my annus horribilis too, but life is unrecognisably better now.

altogetherwonderful · 14/02/2014 15:42

What if:
You started today thinking 'I don't actually care what you think of me DH'
You made a list of everything you have achieved in your life so far (raising 2 DCs while holding down a job, running a home etc, being a talented musician with a lot of empathy for others with your volunteering)

Sometimes it pays to think tough - think of yourself now - he needn't be the button which determines if you think well or harshly about yourself.

In fact no other human should have that authority over you

altogetherwonderful · 14/02/2014 15:44

Could you tell us more about him? Does he have any medical condition?
What is his work schedule like?(my DH works 14hr days 6 days a week so always tired esp in winter)
Is he kind to your pets or DCs?
Does he give you a break from DCs?
Does he do domestic chores?

Twinklestein · 14/02/2014 15:52

Try this place online for therapy: Big White Wall
It's provided in partnership with the Tavistock Clinic and Portman NHS Foundation Trust.

You can have therapy over the net either one to one or in groups and there are peer support groups too.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/02/2014 16:02

This man's treatment of you is deliberate, OP. Whether or not he has an actual libido which he is exercising somewhere else, he is torturing you because he enjoys it. Some people genuinely get off on the mental agony of others; it makes them feel powerful and special and strong to destroy another person's mental health. Your H is one of these. Have a chat with women's aid and CAB about getting out of this awful marriage.

altogetherwonderful · 14/02/2014 16:30

Would you consider asking him later why he said those things to you earlier?

He needs to be made aware that his actions & words have hurt you today

And you have a right to ask him & get answers you deserve

In the back of my mind I'm wondering is he either having it somewhere else, or trying to use crap humour/belittling of you to hide a medical problem with his ejaculation or whatever

(Still not valid excuses to be so cruel to you though)

Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 16:36

Sorry he works a half day on Fridays so he has been around.

He is great with the kids, puts them to bed three or four times a week alone, does his share of domestic stuff and cooking.

He is very sorry that he has made me sad but I am sad, I could have felt so nice today and instead I felt rejected and awful while I watched lots of people around me celebrating how in love they were with each other.

I do intend to speak to him later about how we are going to get past this or if it is possible to. I would be a sex a few times a week person but I have stopped being that person and only really get mad urges when I am ovulating so its not like I am asking him for it all the time. I definitely got a sense last night that he was enjoying keeping it from me and that upsets me a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 16:36

Sorry he works a half day on Fridays so he has been around.

He is great with the kids, puts them to bed three or four times a week alone, does his share of domestic stuff and cooking.

He is very sorry that he has made me sad but I am sad, I could have felt so nice today and instead I felt rejected and awful while I watched lots of people around me celebrating how in love they were with each other.

I do intend to speak to him later about how we are going to get past this or if it is possible to. I would be a sex a few times a week person but I have stopped being that person and only really get mad urges when I am ovulating so its not like I am asking him for it all the time. I definitely got a sense last night that he was enjoying keeping it from me and that upsets me a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 16:38

I think he knows that I am always up for it, pretty much, so he sort of chooses when I am 'allowed' it which I dont think is healthy or fair. I dont know if, as a couple, we can get around this to be honest. I have been upset all day long and I am dreading my birthday tomorrow. I just want to pretend like it is not happening. Perhaps if I was turning 40 and I knew it would just be 10 more years of wanting something I was not allowed and of craving someone who didnt want to be intimate with me then it would be more of a celebration but right now I just see a minimum of 20 years of miserable longing.

OP posts:
Pippinlongsocks · 14/02/2014 16:55

The way I see it this year.... I may be single on Valentine's Day but it's better than being stuck with an idiot!! Been there ... That's no fun at all. Much happier now. Anything is possible.

altogetherwonderful · 14/02/2014 17:01

Tell him he doesn't have the permission to tell you when you are 'allowed' it

See what he says - if he genuinely apologises, didn't realise it made you so upset then maybe it's ok, and he didn't intend to

However if he makes it into another joke or chance to belittle you further, then dig deeper to find out if he is medically insufficient/is there a male body issue going on? Has he gained weight & is ashamed of his figure? Or is he toned & fit & out of the house lots?

It's a bit of a mystery really but also wondering if you could start seeing friends more too, either as a couple or alone, as worried he may be trying to cut you off from normal life (possessive)

Swipe left for the next trending thread